Zeegrade Reviews

Zeegrade Reviews
Movies for scumbags.

Saturday, December 28, 2013

College Bowl Season! - Ghetto Trash Apparel Bowl


     It's college football bowl time and today is a match-up personifying the pinnacle of Assholedom:  Notre Dame football playing in Yankee Stadium. I settled in to watch this useless bowl game sponsored by a company that makes ugly hats worn by gang-banger wannabes in the suburbs.  Oh snaps!  Do u playz 4 da Decepticons? 

Thursday, December 19, 2013

Santa and the Ice Cream Bunny (1972)


     There really is no way to describe the visual pain that encompasses this incoherent dreck.  Like many other b-movie fans, I first became familiar with this legendarily awful film thanks to The Agony Booth's long review back in 2002.

Saturday, December 14, 2013

Elves (1989)


     Sentenced to VHS purgatory, Elves is one of the nastiest films centered around the worst goddamn holiday ever.  Kirsten and her two friends conduct a pagan ceremony in the middle of the forest dedicated to the "Virgin of Anti-Christmas".  Thankfully, Kirsten provides us with a sketch, including that the inspiration for her art-deco boobs came in a dream:

Saturday, November 16, 2013

Wanda, The Wicked Warden (1977)


     Take your pick: Wanda, Greta or Ilsa.  Regardless of Dyann Thorne's moniker, this is an unofficial entry in the Ilsa series.  Directed by well-known pervert Jess Franco, Wicked Warden is often referred to as the roughest of the Ilsa films. 

Friday, November 1, 2013

Demonoid (1981)





     Fuck this movie right in its ass.I've had this one for a few years and it looked interesting when I saw the trailer.  The first few minutes seem to confirm that as two dudes in yellow Klansman outfits chop the left hand off a blond broad with her robe torn open and her jugs shaking everywhere.  Occasionally you get a flash of what possibly could be the devil himself:

Friday, October 25, 2013

Legacy of Blood (1971)




   Let's be honest here.  How many times, if we were forced to live with our grown siblings and their significant others in a mansion for a week, would this scenario end in murder.  That's what I thought. 

Tuesday, October 8, 2013

Death by Dialogue (1988)


Cary and his four friends visit his Uncle and become the target of a killer movie script.  I know, you're shitting your pants just reading this.  Volleyball and an immortal swordsman ensues.  Cheesy as hell but still fun to watch. 

Friday, September 13, 2013

D'Wild Wild Weng (1982)


     Before TLC decided on giving these genetic abominations their very own shows midgets served two purposes: the objects of ridicule and alerting the master of Fantasy Island that the fucking plane arrived.  That is, unless you lived in the Philippines during the early 1980's.  Leave it to some smartass to make a James Bond knock-off and have as its star a 2'9" Filipino dwarf named Weng Weng as Agent 00.  For Y'ur Height Only was released in 1981 and became an instant success thanks to a country obviously populated by imbeciles. 

Friday, July 26, 2013

Gotham Shitty


     Took my kids to Six Flags Great America the other day.  For the most part, the rides were fun.  On the opposite side of that "fun" spectrum is "The Dark Knight Coaster".  I don't like to make excuses for terrorists, I leave that for The New York Times, but if some yahoo went on a killing spree and the reason for said spree was "waiting an hour in line for The Dark Knight Coaster" then I might be inclined to cut him or her a little slack.

Tuesday, July 23, 2013

Island of Death (1977)





     We've become pretty desensitized to violence thanks to movies such as Saw, Hostel and The Human Centipede so to view Island of Death in today's context, especially to anyone under the age of thirty, might seem kinda silly.  Make no bones about it though, Island was a nasty piece of work that shocked the shit outta audiences in the late seventies.  This is the very epitome of an exploitation film. 

Monday, July 22, 2013

Sorceress (1982)





     Why Sorceress when there is no sorceress to be found?  Because Roger Corman asked a bunch of high school teenagers what would be a cooler sounding title instead of the more appropriate "The Barbarian Women" that director Jack Hill wanted.  Cheesy fantasy film that stars real-life twins and Playboy Playmates Leigh and Lynette Harris as Mira and Mara, the barbarian daughters of Traigon, an evil sorcerer who must sacrifice his firstborn so that the god Kalghara can keep the good times rolling.  What drew me to this film?  Swords, sorcery and:

The theater floor was a tad more sticky for some reason.

     The good news is the twins show their twins frequently.  The bad news is that everything else reflects the $23.75 budget Corman spent.  Mira and Mara are given special fighting powers by Krona, who appears more an Asian monk rather than a barbarian, via a momentary touch when they're babies and a shitty blue outline special effect.  That's it.  Fuck all that training noise, son!  Twenty years later Traigon is released from sorcerer prison and immediately continues his quest to sacrifice his daughters.  Krona has not aged well:

Master Moses teaches the Shaolin Tittyflash.

     After learning the truth about their father killing their mother - Mira and Mara are joined by a Viking named Baldar and an annoying fucking goatboy, Pando, who baas incessantly.  Along the way they recruit Deathstalker wannabe Erlick who gets to bang one of the twins.  The only semi-amusing scene is when one of the sisters is having an orgasm for the first time and the other feels it as well, which provides for this odd statement from Baldar:

video

How exactly would you KNOW it's Erlick?  Looks like old boy needs to close his drapes.  The finale includes, zombies, sacrificial virgins, an arm getting hacked off and the epic battle between the gods, Vitahl, a flying lion with abs and Kalghara, a uh, floating head of a fucked-up Mexican prostitute:

Still better than Avatar.

The movie ends with Erlick wisecracking about banging both twins as everyone then laughs like it's an episode of "CHiPs".  I'll be honest with ya'.  This is one film I actually tracked down because of the multiple topless scenes in the trailer.  Sharpen your sword someplace else. 

Sunday, July 21, 2013

Seytan (1974)





     Take a Turkish scene-by-scene ripoff of The Exorcist, play "Tubular Bells" ad nauseum, and remove any hint of Western theology so as to not offend "the religion of peace" and you get this boring tripe. 

Dracula: Sovereign of the Damned (1980)





     They should've called this one Everybody Hates Dracula.  The one and only film collaboration  of Marvel Comics and Harmony Gold who produced the popular 1980's series RobotechDracula: SOTD is based on Marvel's 70-issue series The Tomb of Dracula crammed into an hour-and-a-half film.  That's what makes this such a clusterfuck of a movie.