Zeegrade Reviews

Zeegrade Reviews
Movies for scumbags.

Tuesday, July 14, 2015

Satan's Mistress (1982)

     Yeah, I know the screen cap above doesn't match.  This motherfucker has more names listed than a phone book.  The original U.S. title release was Satan's Mistress, however, when this was released on home video it went by Dark Eyes, as seen above, as well as Fury of the Succubus, Incubus, Demon Rage and lately on DVD the shoddily retitled Demon Seed:

The Jaden Smith story.

This last one is rather perplexing considering Demon Seed was a 1977 film adaptation of Dean Koontz's novel about a supercomputer that wants to upload his genetically engineered cyberspunk onto a captive woman's hard drive.  To be blunt, the only title that would be an accurate representation of this film would be House of Floppy Tits.  Which brings me to my next point...
     Lana Wood is the beautiful younger sister of the late Natalie Wood.  She is forever known as Bond girl Plenty O'Toole in Diamonds Are Forever.  Just take a look at how scrumptious she looked:

Boner.  Giant Boner.

Lana was 25 years old and fresh out of the pages of Playboy when she scored that role in 1971.  I did a little "research" and her bosom was as wonderful as you would expect, sans clothing.  Alas, time and gravity yields to no one and by the time filming for Satan's Mistress began in 1978 (it was shelved for four years) Lana's voluptuous assets lost a noticeable amount of fullness.  The reason for my pseudo-clinical scrutiny of Lana's gifts to man is simply because she's frequently naked in this movie and it's better to address this here and now rather than scene-by-scene.  Offhand, I think it's close to a 50/50 split in terms of her nude and clothed scenes.  For the record, I have fared no better since I was a svelte 25 year old deadbeat begging for change before the tollway entrance.
     Our film begins on a Californian beach where Lisa (Wood) is being chased by a rather ominous looking individual clad entirely in black.  The scene plays out in slow-motion as Lisa desperately tries to A.) flee her pursuer and B.) try to contain her breasts inside her nightgown.  She fails miserably on both tasks as she turns a corner and comes face to face with this:

"Would you be interested in an issue of The Watchtower?"

Lisa awakens from this bad dream screaming.  Her daughter, Michelle, calms her down and remarks that this is the second time this week she has done this.  She asks for her husband who is about to begin his normal routine of going for a morning swim.  It's made painfully obvious that Lisa's relationship with her architect husband Burt has become sexually distance since moving into their beachfront house.  An offer for some post-lap trim is firmly rejected by Burt, who calls her a "pushy bitch" making their dinner party with Carl and Ann-Marie (Britt Ekland — another former Bond girl ) rather awkward.  Just before all that, the film tries to imply that this was based on a true story if by "true" you mean "total bullshit": 

Lifetime Movies Presents: My Ghost, My Secret Lover

This movie ain't finished droppin' knowledge like 100-pound dumbbells as it mentions a "growing belief" within the world of psychic phenomena (a bunch of yahoos that gather in a banquet room at the Holiday Inn once a month) tenuously linking lonely individuals and the supernaturalDuring one of her morning flashbacks when Carl and her were more intimate she is mysteriously beckoned to the guest bedroom.  She begins to disrobe when this appears:

The fuck is that supposed to be?  The ghost of Grimace's dick?  Whomever it is gives Lisa a proper screwing complete with waves crashing onto shore as she orgasms in lust.  This euphemism is employed more than once during the course of the film.
     Their evening dinner with Carl and Ann-Marie doesn't ease any tensions as Carl remarks, rather inappropriately, about Lisa's post-coital glow.  He then digs the deepest grave in husband history by traveling down the deadly "if you were my wife" road while his significant other sits a few feet away.  Ann-Marie's "aww shucks" attitude is the only thing that saves his stupid ass from having his dick cut off later that evening.  Carl makes a crack about his wife's vocation and it's brought to our attention that she's a psychic investigator.  How convenient.   Carl finally shuts his trap when a black cat enters their dining room.  Every time they show this fucking cat the movie plays this annoying sound effect which I can only describe as a cat being thrown from a roof.  It's pretty goddamn annoying.  Ann-Marie immediately "senses" that the cat is male and warns Lisa that he is dangerous.  Michelle, trying to take the cat away is scratched and almost mortally wounded:


I shit you not, she sheds more blood than Dracula on a bender.  Later that evening, Lisa experiences another phantom climax while sharing the bed with her clueless husband.  An apparition watches her spasm in ecstasy:  

Cuckold the Voyeur Ghost

      Michelle believes that the house they live in has something to do with the growing animosity between Burt and Lisa.  As she leaves for school she notices blood streaming from the eye of a statue which disappears a moment later.  Lisa is rinsing her milk pillows in the shower when she comes face to face with the ghost pictured above.  She falls to the floor experiencing another earth-shattering orgasm.  Can you let her catch her breath for a moment nympho ghost?  Later that evening Burt notices that Lisa has moved her clothes out of their bedroom.  Michelle tells him that she moved into the "empty room" which didn't look empty to me.  Burt stomps off and Michelle looks into the flames of the fireplace and a pissed off nympho ghost giving her the "don't fuck this up for me" death stare.  Burt, looking to challenge Carl for "worst husband ever" confronts Lisa and uses as his tactics a heavy dose of mocking, insults and physical hostility.  Surprisingly, Lisa doesn't respond to it.  He marches out of the room, stops to reconsider, then tries to reenter it but is locked out thanks to nympho ghost.  Your cock has been officially blocked, sir.  He gazes at his hand and it's covered in blood that quite probably came dripping from Lisa's aching vagina.  A second later his hand is clean. 
     The fucking black cat appears in the basement along with a shadowy figure lurking there.  A guillotine's blade is raised.  Why in the fuck would anyone have a functioning guillotine in their basement?  Was this a fad in California in the late seventies?  "Hey man, come on down to my pad and let me show you my medieval torture rack!"  Far out.  Nympho ghost, tired of incorporeal foreplay, enters Lisa's bedroom in the flesh and blood:

"Call animal control 'cuz I'm about to pound your pussy."

 You get the gist where this is going.  The "spirit" as it's titled in the cast, Kabir Bedi, would go on to star in Octopussy making him the third actor in this movie with ties to the James Bond films.  Lisa's moans echo throughout the house as the spirit makes love to her.  Yeah, I meant to write "makes love" instead of one of my more profane descriptions.  This guy is like a cliché of every sex article in Cosmopolitan magazine.  Make That Ghost In Your Life DESIRE You! Good grief.  While Lisa is waking the neighbors with her inappropriate howling, a young woman dressed like she should be selling sausages for Hickory Farms approaches their house from the beach.  The following morning she appears in the basement and lures Burt down there.  Burt doesn't seemed shocked that there are suits of armor and said guillotine stored below.  One of the suits topples over, nearly chopping him with the halberd that was in its hand.  
     By now, Lisa has completely withdrawn from her family and Michelle feels more isolated than ever.  Burt confides with Ann-Marie over a bottle of wine (you sly dog, you!) and every time she replies to him she slowly strokes him from the shoulder down.  Most vulnerable men are going to interpret that kind of contact in a certain way, especially how she does it!  She has a "hunch" as to what is happening but she needs to do some "checking" before she can explain it.  She leans in again, grabs Burt's arm and asks point blank if they are making love.  Before he can answer it cuts to this:

I'm gonna go ahead and mark you down as "no".

     Burt returns home and confronts Lisa about the constant moaning which she explains away as a vivid fantasy.  No longer fearing her having an affair, he sweeps her off her feet and takes her to the bedroom.  As they make love, the spirit watches in anguish.  He assumes the form of the fucking black cat and returns to the basement where the young woman in the goofy dress is laughing at him mockingly.  The spirit glances over his shoulder and looks at whatever the fuck this is:

Your guess is as good as mine.
I have not the faintest clue as to what that's supposed to be nor do I care at this point.  The woman tells the spirit that "the woman will cost you your soul" and that he's a fool.  Whatever that goddamn thing is supposed to be pulsates and throbs grotesquely.  Is it a demonic eye?  Help me out here movie!
     Michelle is walking the beach when she encounters the young mystery woman leaning under the pier.  She introduces herself as Belline and adds that she shares her name with an angel that left heaven to go with Lucifer.  Belline tells her that the devil has won another soul and that he must fulfill his promise.  Michelle, obviously creeped out, tells her she has to go.  
     The power of the penis compels you!  Things seemed to have returned to normal since Burt did his husbandly duty with Lisa.  The lovey-dovey atmosphere is interrupted when Michelle cuts her finger with a knife and proceeds to lose about a gallon of blood.  Lisa thinks it's the cat scratch from before reopened when she feels an ominous presence wafting through the house.  The cut disappears and Lisa implores Burt to take her to school.  She knows exactly who is responsible for the cut and in the silliest scene in this entire goddamn movie it's confirmed:

Are you serious?  Brooding in a rocker like a scorned lover?  HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!  I simply cannot take this movie seriously anymore.   Lisa calls over Ann-Marie for a hot tub summit but not before our jilted lover knocks over a picture of the couple, breaking it.  You're a fucking ghost!  I'm sure there's plenty of single ladies just up the coast you can engage in a sexually possessive relationship with!  Back in the tub, Lisa tells Ann-Marie how scared she is and just before she can give her any details, the spirit — in annoying cat mode — makes the water boiling hot.  The ladies escape with the help of Burt and Lisa confronts the spirit, still pouting in his rocker, as to why he's doing this.  He gets up, embraces her and... Burt, your wife's a whore.  Michelle lies in bed that evening when she hears Belline's voice telling her that she will help them.  A vision is shown for a few minutes but the dream effect applied to the scenes is so overwhelming that I can't even guess as to what is transpiring. 
     Lisa, once again, has withdrawn from Burt and Michelle. Belline returns to Michelle's bedside to talk shit about her old man.  Seriously, what was the deal with this stupid costume?  Does this strike you as befitting a fallen angel?

 "We have a demonic selection of jellies and jams!"

That same evening Ann-Marie creeps into Burt's bed and begins to seduce him as Lisa and a sneering spirit watch.  She claws into his back, drawing blood and simultaneously waking Burt up from the dream.  The following morning Ann-Marie arrives with Carl and has completed her "checking".  She tells Lisa that there have been many cases of both men and women having "spirit lovers".  So, the first credible theory that came to mind when Burt confided his marital problems to her is a paranormal relationship with a horny apparition?  I can't even imagine the chasm of doubt you would have to leap over like Evel Knievel in order to arrive at that conclusion.  She summarizes to Lisa that some spirits get lonely while they wait either reincarnation, or their ultimate destiny (heaven or hell) and seek out vulnerable people in the physical world so they can feel alive again.  Also, this waiting period seems to be prime recruiting grounds for evil forces looking to expand their ranks by luring wayward spirits with claims that they can end their loneliness.  Lisa is the spirit's temptation.  You follow all that?  Back at the house, Michelle is making a sandwich for Carl when the power goes out.  He gets a flashlight and they go down to the basement to have a look at the circuit breaker where Belline is waiting for them.  The pair get locked inside when Carl shines his light on a pair of feet that start walking towards him.  He stumbles away and sees the pulsating eye thing whateverthefuck and falls back — locking his head into the guillotine.  The blade drops and we're spared of anymore of his tiring wisecracks.  The lights turn back on and Michelle realizes what just happened:

"Why does dad own all this leather?"
     Lisa and Ann-Marie return to find the kitchen empty.  Burt and the ladies check the basement and find Michelle amongst the grisly scene.  The police arrive and a clueless detective is stumped.  It's just your standard accidental death by guillotine, officer.  Before the ambulance takes a distraught Ann-Marie away she implores Burt to leave the house before they get him and take Lisa.   The paramedic yells "let's get moving" as if they have time to reattach Carl's head and save his life.  That evening, the spirit and Lisa commence round two of "let's fuck with Burt in his sleep" by threatening him with having his dick cut off.  He rushes off to the bedroom where Lisa and Michelle are safely on the bed, curled up and holding each other tight.
     At the funeral, Burt consoles Ann-Marie who again advises him to leave the house.  She tells him about a priest, Father Stratten, who works with her psychic group and before Burt dismisses the notion of the devil tempting his wife, Stratten himself interjects:

"Where's a bank?  I need to cash this check ASAP!"
God bless John Carradine and everything he's done but is there any role he's ever declined?  Stratten reiterates the same bullshit theory Ann-Marie told Lisa before.  The spirit needs Lisa to submit to him completely to end his loneliness.  Why not kill Burt then instead of Carl?  There would be nothing stopping him afterwards.  Stratten warns Burt to ignore their illusions and to not doubt the awesome strength of God for even for a moment.    
     Back at the house (Why weren't they at Carl's funeral?) Michelle has a vision of Belline burying her up to her neck in sand so they can be friends forever.  Not much longer, just hang in there!  The spirit appears, kneels before Lisa with his hands open, ready for her to join him.  Burt and Ann-Marie return to the house and find Michelle sitting crossed legged on her bed, hypnotized with a cheesy red eye glow for added effect.  Stratten's warning went in one ear and out the other because as soon as Burt sees Michelle's likeness calling out to him from a roaring fireplace the idiot practically dives in trying to save her.  Luckily, Ann-Marie saves his dumbass.  They head to the basement where the spirit and Lisa are holding each other on the opposite side of a large fire while other spirits paw at the new arrivals.  Belline taunts Ann-Marie with the decapitated head of Carl and she freaks out, setting herself on fire.  Now, it's Burt's turn to remind someone about illusions.  Lisa sees a copy of her on the other side of the basement.  The mystery man chasing her during the opening of the film appears again, snatches off her neglige and has his way with her.  Burt sees that the spirit doesn't like it one bit and uses this opportunity to tell him that they would never let him be with Lisa even if she wanted to.   The spirit glances at the demonic eye/evil omelet, kisses Lisa's hand gently and walks into the fire while Belline cackles like the annoying cunt she is.  Burt grabs Lisa and drags her out of the basement which is totally engulfed in flames.
     Now free of the battle for the spirit's soul, the family is out for a swim at the beach.  Burt and Michelle play Frisbee amongst the waves while an emotionless Lisa sunbathes.  After kissing his wife on the forehead, Burt and Michelle head out into the water and dive under an incoming wave only to never reemerge again.  The picture then zooms in on Lisa's face:

Sure her vagina isn't glowing red too?
     You had the makings of something original here and instead director James Polakof (responsible for the insipid, trail-rape film retitled Slashed Dreams) turns this into a banal soap opera centered around Wood's pillow tits.  Why in the fuck would the devil need to turn into a pimp for bachelor ghosts in order to lure spirits to his side?  This seems like a lot of work.  Did he give all prospective phantoms a questionnaire about their ideal mate?  Seems to me he can take what he wants at will.  Speaking of at will, Lana Wood sheds her clothing whenever possible and what is her thanks for it?  Britt Ekland gets top billing.  The fuck is that all about?  Did she have platinum tits we weren't allow to see?  Anyway, if you're looking for a better film about sex and spirits then let me suggest you watch The Entity starring Barbara Hershey which was released in the theaters a year after this debuted on video.  The only other film that I can think of that covers apparitions and rape is Ghost Dad and that's only enjoyable after a few drinks. 

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