Zeegrade Reviews

Zeegrade Reviews
Movies for scumbags.

Friday, July 22, 2016

Spoiler (1998)

"Spoiler was a great script, and as an actor I don’t want to play the same kickboxing cop kind of roles all the time —" Gary Daniels

     Therein lies the problem, Mr. Daniels.  Admittedly, I've only watched one of his films — the 1995 HBO abortion of anime cult-classic Fist of the North Star that reimagined ultimate badass Kenshiro as a mulleted white guy who is assisted by a former MTV VJ.  All snark aside, he seems like a very capable martial artists and he's had a pretty decent career plying those skills in multiple movies.  That's his strength and he should headline as the handsome hero who solves his problems courtesy of the business end of his foot.  Casting him as anything else is a disservice to both Daniels and the audience.  Spoiler — a derivative, Down syndrome version of Demolition Man — proves my point implicitly.

Saturday, March 26, 2016

Nicole (1978)

     Sometime in the late seventies, an obscure movie was made that told the tale of an arrogant millionairess who treats people like property until her curiosity wanes and they're ultimately dispatched by a murdering psychopath chauffeur.  Under most circumstances, Nicole, as it was originally titled, would have been forgotten quickly and lost to film oblivion where it most appropriately belongs, save for the fact that it contains the one and only nude scene of a young "Kathy Bach" who would reach the height of masturbatory fantasies of young men nationwide thanks to her portrayal of the scantily clad "Daisy Duke" in "The Dukes of Hazard" from 1979-1985.  Enter Troma Films, always scanning the celluloid gutter for repackaging, where they bought the rights to the only passable copy, renamed it Crazed and marketed it as the film with Catherine Bach's tits.  Well, it worked because I sat through this dull drama in hopes that I can save the next couple of unfortunate skin buffs from wasting an hour-and-a-half of their day that would otherwise be dedicated to internet porn.

Sunday, January 17, 2016

UFO: Target Earth (1974)

     If someone were to ask you, "Is there a mildly retarded version of 2001: A Space Odyssey that can cure my insomnia?"  Yes ... yes there is.  Filmed over two weeks around Atlanta with a $70,000 budget, UFO: Target Earth is one of the dullest science fiction films to disgrace the genre.  First time director Michael DeGaetano seems to think that merely pointing a camera in the direction of his wooden actors and filming asinine conversations is all that is needed to compel his audience to watch further.  Even more galling, there isn't even a fucking UFO in the movie!  Let's get this anal probing started.

Thursday, October 22, 2015

Nurse Sherri (1978)

     It's 1978 and the exploitation phase is quickly coming to the end of the drive-in era.  Looking to squeeze one more film out of Independent-International Pictures, known for such low-fare classics like Satan's Sadists and Dracula vs. Frankenstein, co-founder Sam Sherman is inspired to film an erotic nurse-related movie after watching Roger Corman strike gold with Night Call Nurses and Candy Stripe Nurses earlier that decade.  All he needed was a hook.  The supernatural horror film Carrie was all the rage and that was more than enough for Sam to combine the genres together and summon his partner-in-crime, Al Adamson to direct.  The result became Beyond the Living or Horror Hospital or Killer's Curse, Hands of Death and Black Voodoo.  Ya see, neither Al or Sam actually knew how to market their finished product.  Helluva way to end your run, boys.

Friday, October 2, 2015

Double Down (2005)

     Neil Breen, a Las Vegas architect and real estate agent, is a very unique man.  He was born without the ability of introspection, a trait only found in politicians.  You see, somewhere along the road when he was peddling two bedroom ranches in the suburbs for half a million dollars he realized that this was not his true calling in life and that, in fact, he is a messianic auteur that had an important message for the sake of humanity that could only be translated through insanely disjointed films that no one will see.  Oh, by the way: you're welcome.

Tuesday, July 14, 2015

Satan's Mistress (1982)

     Yeah, I know the screen cap above doesn't match.  This motherfucker has more names listed than a phone book.  The original U.S. title release was Satan's Mistress, however, when this was released on home video it went by Dark Eyes, as seen above, as well as Fury of the Succubus, Incubus, Demon Rage and lately on DVD the shoddily retitled Demon Seed:

Friday, June 12, 2015

Satan's Cheerleaders (1977)

     Why would God's adversary need cheerleaders?  While you ponder that thimble deep query let me address this misleading title.  Yes, there are cheerleaders — a whopping four of them in fact.  No, they are not aligned with nor affiliated in any way to the theological enemy of all humanity.  If you were expecting a campy romp used as an excuse to get young, pretty actresses to disrobe, you'll be left limper than Rock Hudson was in Pretty Maids All in a Row.  After sitting down and watching it, I still have no clue what director Greydon Clark — responsible for one of MST3K's most famous episodes, Angels' Brigade —  was trying to accomplish as there seems to be two completely different types of movies presented here that eventually collide together like two shopping carts in Wal-Mart's chip aisle.

Tuesday, May 12, 2015

Boy God (1983)

     There are some titles that are on everyone's "must see" bad movie list.  The shot-on-video ghetto puppet turned wooden rapist Black Devil Doll from Hell is one such film.  It has about two minutes of humorous content while the rest is pure, unadulterated horseshit.

Wednesday, April 1, 2015

Spawn of the Slithis (1978)

     "Yawn of the Audience" would have been a more honest title.  Motherfucker, does this thing revel in minutiae!  Filmed in Venice, California on a $100,000 budget blah,blah,blah ... you know the rest.  Too bad you'll be in stage 4 delta sleep long before this plodding film reaches it completion.  
     Two boys — one so fat that I believe his veins were filled with maple syrup — are playing Frisbee (in slow-motion) when the non-future heart failure victim discovers a mutilated dog corpse on the side of a canal.

Monday, March 23, 2015

The Meateater (1979)

     Theater is pronounced (thee-uh-ter) according to the dictionary — not (thee-ate-her).  Those who use the latter sound like uneducated rubes.  Thankfully, our star Mitford (the hopelessly lame yet likeable Peter Spitzer) wasn't trying to portray a sophisticated intellectual.  Every time he says the word — and, it's a lot — I want to karate chop him in the neck.