tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-24422641921747952492024-03-13T03:42:51.765-05:00Zeegrade ReviewsB-movie reviews from the perspective of a laid off deadbeat.Zeehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17449809623201999845noreply@blogger.comBlogger31125truetag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2442264192174795249.post-58503731772925256432016-12-09T19:27:00.002-06:002022-12-14T09:34:01.384-06:00Black Devil Doll from Hell (1984)<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Back in the mid-eighties amateur filmmakers decided to avoid costly middle men, hoist their own heavy camcorders on their shoulders and churn out movies themselves. Thus, the "Shot-On-Video" period began which brought films like <i>The Dead Next Door</i>, <i>Video Dead</i>, <i>Video Violence</i> and <i>The Woodchipper Massacre</i> to local mom-and-pop video rental stores across the nation. This opened the market up to, literally, any Tom, Dick or Harry that had zero professional vision or insight into the craft to churn out whatever the fuck they wanted to shoot. Suffice to say, most of these movies were irredeemable pieces of shit that left the poor sap that rented it hightailing it back to the video store at mach speeds to demand their money back. This scenario couldn't be stressed more in the case of <i>Black Devil Doll from Hell</i>.</div>
<a name='more'></a> According to producer and director Chester N. Turner, most of <i>BDDfH</i> was excised by the video distributor, David Ichikawa , as well as the original title of the film, "The Puppet." Right off the bat I can tell you that reducing this tripe to seventy minutes was correct on Ichikawa's part. I mean, would you prefer to double the length of a root canal? Considering Turner's entire movie takes place in only three settings, do you really think you're missing anything? However, using up nearly SEVEN FUCKING MINUTES of the scant running time on Ichikawa's ear-splitting intro song, "I'm Your Nightmare" was one of the poorest decisions in human history. At least you had time to pop in the vhs, order a pizza, wait for it, pay the pizza guy, eat half of it and down six or seven Old Milwaukees before the opening begins. And begin it does...<br />
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Somewhere on Chicago's south side, bespectacled, God-fearing Helen, performed by local Shirley L. Jones, who would go on to date Turner during filming, attends church. Allow me to interject here that the dialogue is mostly inaudible so, bear with me. On her walk back home, accompanied by Turner's background music courtesy of a Casio keyboard demo song, she is approached by an enterprising young salesman that tries to interest Helen in a new coat amongst the items out of the trunk of his car:</div>
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<b>"I call it cracka-ass white."</b></div>
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Clutching her bible, she admonishes him for stealing and returns home. The sinners are relentless as Helen takes a call from her friend who wants to hook her up with Sam. She's not having it as Helen wishes to delay all sexual activity until after she is a bride. While this conversation is conducted, and by "conversation" I mean both actresses speak at equal volume into the same microphone, Turner takes the opportunity to pan the camera around the room so we can get a visual on her home decor and various knick-knacks. Why stop there Chester? Why not go into her pantry and see how many boxes of macaroni and cheese she has or see if there's enough toiler paper in the bathroom? Helen's proselytizing is successful and rewards herself by heading over to the Road's End antique store for some Sunday shopping. While browsing the store, she comes across the titular nemesis:<br />
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<b>"Hell kicked him out for snorting Satan's cocaine."</b></div>
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The woman behind the counter provides some backstory for the puppet. Too bad we can't hear a fucking thing:</div>
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As far as I can discern, the original owner of the doll was from the West Indies and imbued it with the power to grant its owner's heartfelt desire. She warns Helen that she has sold this doll on four separate occasions and each time the puppet has returned to the store. Then why keep selling the fucking thing? She reluctantly puts the puppet back, however, after giggling to herself in the store like a creep she decides that this Rick James-looking motherfucker is comin' home wit Momma!<br />
Helen returns home singing "Jesus loves me" (I believe those are the only words.) unpacks the puppet, places him on the toilet like he's ready to drop a log (Get it? Because he's wood? Sorry...) and undresses for the shower. Let's pause again and address something else. There are two kinds of people in the world; those that should be nude in movies and those that shouldn't. Shirley L. Jones, along with Harvey Keitel, are in the latter. While Helen is in the shower the puppet comes to life. Either that or the fucking single-note background music that sounds like a goddamn air raid siren jars it awake. He pulls the shower curtain aside to witness his owner soaping up her pancake titties. The puppet immediately turns to stone and shatters when it hits the floor. Oh wait, that was actually my libido. Small snippets of the puppet licking said titties are interspersed in this scene as if you're aren't already completely horrified. You're still not? Okay, how about superfreak pounding Helen's virginal poon into submission? After what seemed an eternity, the scene ends when Helen's shame (She has none.) snaps her out of her naughty soaping while I pour bleach into my eye sockets.<br />
While in bed, Helen has a nightmare where the puppet assaults her and blows smoke out of his mouth. She's jolted awake and decides to move the doll back into the bathroom. When she's roused by her alarm — an alarm that has all the subtlety of a battleship cannon — Helen becomes distressed when she sees that the puppet is back in her bedroom. Turner must have been asleep behind the camera because Jones sits in bed shaking her head in silent disbelief for about a third of the film. Helen packs him away in his box placed in the closet.<br />
Helen returns from work and checks to see if the puppet remained in the closet. She's relieved to find it still there and prepares herself for a shower. While bathing, the puppet exits his quarters and stalks into the bathroom. Once she exits the doll is ready to pounce:<br />
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<b>Open field tackling: A lost art-form</b><br />
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After the take-down the puppet, channeling his inner Ronnie Lott, stands over his victim and gloats, "How do you like that, bitch?" When Helen awakens, she finds herself tied to the bed with a salty rapists doll staring back at her. He cackles in morbid glee:</div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">"I'm gonna give you your heartfelt wish! I'm gonna fuck you, bitch!"</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;">He mounts the bed, blows a little 420 smokage into her face and begins the morbid task of licking her naked body:</span></span></div>
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<b>"Why does your breath smell like Pinocchio's dick?"</b><br />
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He journeys down south, wetting the runway, and then proceeds to fuck her. It's pretty humorous for the first few seconds, however, Turner decides to film this like it's <i>actual porn</i>. How long do we need to watch a puppet with 10-foot dreads, jackhammering this sexually stunting woman? Almost as if Turner didn't stress to his audience how much of a scumbag he is, he has the demonic doll force Helen to beg it for more throttling. Our ghetto rape fantasy concludes with Helen climaxing. Burn those fucking sheets.</div>
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She wakes the next morning thinking it was all a dream in spite of the fact that her vagina is still aching from logjammin'. Helen prowls around the house enticing "Mr. Wonderful" to come out of hiding and lay some more wood. Okay, that's the last one. After a search of the home comes up empty she decides to call into work sick and do housework. Yep, housework. Cleaning dishes, vacuuming, cleaning the fucking tub. Suddenly we went from hardcore puppet fucking to Home and Garden TV. What a fucking hack! The work doesn't bring her closer to God as she collects all her bibles and religious articles and throws them in the trash. So... she's a Jehovah's Witness? </div>
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Helen spies the hustler at the beginning of the movie plying his trade outside her home. She invites him in and divulges exactly what happened to her the last few days. Too bad towards the end of her story our hack director decides to go in hot with the Casio:</div>
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Young playa ain't havin' none of that bullshit. Helen flashes her bedroom eyes and the next thing you know, the con artist is probing her wares. Visibly frustrated, she tells the impromptu playmate to hurry his weak shit up. Turner, ever the visionary director, captures the very essence of the moment:</div>
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<b>"She's never satisfied — she's never satisfied!"</b></div>
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Disappointed at her choice of lover, Helen decides to doll herself up and head over to Elmo's Lounge to find a gorilla dick motherfucker. Immediately she spots this <i>Beat Street</i> reject:</div>
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<b>"Ain't got cash on me. D'yall take checks?"</b></div>
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Who needs dialogue when you have an overbearing soundtrack? Turner switches to documentarian mode as we shockingly learn that patrons who frequent a dance club indeed dance! The scene shifts back to the bedroom where Helen is, once again, let down by her sexual partner. She sobs in her bed while masturbating over the loss of her puppet. Helen suddenly remembers that the lady at the antique store told her that the puppet returns on its own and she departs for there immediately. The doll has reappeared at the store, however, the shopkeeper tells Helen that she has to pay for it again. She does, returns home, places him on the bed, disrobes and begs the puppet to satisfy her. Predictably, the doll doesn't budge. Frustrated, Helen attempts to destroy the puppet when it comes to life:</div>
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<b>"The spice must flow, bitch!"</b></div>
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This causes Helen to hemorrhage from her eyes and nose and collapse in death.</div>
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<b> </b>Back at the antique store the saleslady is hoodwinking the next victim into purchasing the doll. This is the same shakedown that constituents of Jesse Jackson Jr's district found themselves in. The woman returns home, places the box on her couch and when she returns to it finds it empty. She mouths the words "What the fuck?" mirroring precisely what 99.9% of the viewers said as the ending credits roll. </div>
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Currently, there's some hipster douchebag from Michigan who struck a deal with Chester "No Talent" Turner and is hawking this ugly piece of shit for $30. Nostalgia tends to cloud judgments so let me implore you that this is a monumental waste of time. I wouldn't spend thirty cents to watch this ugly fucking rape fantasy garbage and neither should you. Fuck you, Chester Turner and fuck your stupid Cubs hat you carpetbagging hack. </div>
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Zeehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17449809623201999845noreply@blogger.com0Doomsville, Illinois40.6331249 -89.39852830000000934.3854434 -99.7256768 46.8808064 -79.071379800000017tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2442264192174795249.post-55955955537918993632016-07-22T21:37:00.002-05:002016-07-24T14:33:44.010-05:00Spoiler (1998)<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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"<i>Spoiler</i> was a great script, and as an actor I don’t want to play the same kickboxing cop kind of roles all the time —" Gary Daniels<span style="background-color: #999999;"><span style="color: white;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="background-color: #999999;"><span></span></span></span></span></span> </div>
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Therein lies the problem, Mr. Daniels. Admittedly, I've only watched one of his films — the 1995 HBO abortion of anime cult-classic <i>Fist of the North Star </i>that reimagined ultimate badass Kenshiro as a mulleted white guy who is assisted by a former MTV VJ. All snark aside, he seems like a very capable martial artists and he's had a pretty decent career plying those skills in multiple movies. That's his strength and he should headline as the handsome hero who solves his problems courtesy of the business end of his foot. Casting him as anything else is a disservice to both Daniels <i>and</i> the audience. <i>Spoiler</i> — a derivative, Down syndrome version of <i>Demolition Man</i> — proves my point implicitly.<br />
<a name='more'></a> We're dropped into the movie, completely devoid of context or plot, as we're introduced to Roger Mason (Daniels) fleeing for his life inside the graffiti-swathed interior of a subway system sometime in the (ahem)... future. Turns out someone identified him as a "spoiler" — the ambiguous term used for escaped convicts — because he was sitting on his ass at some makeshift gambling table instead of making his way to freedom. Two things: First, why are they called spoilers? There is nothing in any of that word's connotations that would convey an escapee than the very fucking word — escapee! Second, Roger is portrayed throughout the movie as a fugitive savant that gains pseudo-celebrity status save the fact that once he liberates himself he immediately gets caught for doing the dumbest shit! Right away, Roger loses his pursuer (Bryan Genesse of <i>Cyborg Cop III</i>) even going so far as dodging a speeding train, only to get caught when he returns to kick his ass. During his capture he pleads that all he wanted to do was see his daughter, Jillian, again. Instead, he's sentenced to 26 years in "chemo-ligation" (cryogenic freezing) and put on ice. So, the penalty for criminals in the future is to be granted prolonged youth as you're also able to basically sleep throughout the entirety of your prison sentence. How is exactly is that punishment? Roger is awoken from his sentence and, since it's the future, everybody is now an obnoxious cocksucker, nobody more so than the attendant (Arye Gross, <i>House II: The Second Story</i>) that informs him that his parents are dead, his ex-wife is sick and his daughter is now 36:<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhvannmywPTgZCp7t9nHMCXwYtv7fuSbzKHwpKwjJ1zb5owCzGCrBeb5pQcbVJ7qUGZ-Bf9cLhVj_iOAPOeLeovfw-ePs1Rxx4F7XlewMMS-XR6Lgk17VdJtwY9zoyStVvukQVM2Vk6-iQk/s1600/Spoiler+36.PNG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="237" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhvannmywPTgZCp7t9nHMCXwYtv7fuSbzKHwpKwjJ1zb5owCzGCrBeb5pQcbVJ7qUGZ-Bf9cLhVj_iOAPOeLeovfw-ePs1Rxx4F7XlewMMS-XR6Lgk17VdJtwY9zoyStVvukQVM2Vk6-iQk/s320/Spoiler+36.PNG" width="320" /></a></div>
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<b>"This is from her postpartum depression period."</b></div>
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Now, if <i>that</i> photo doesn't motivate you to get home to your daughter then nothing will. Roger is put in front of an examining board featuring Meg Foster (<i>They Live</i>, <i>Masters of the Universe</i>) in a brief cameo. Instead of pleading his case, Roger harasses them for a smoke (tobacco is banned in the future!) and informs them of his sewing hobby. Not once does he plead for his release. After the hearing he's... <i>returned to jail</i>? What the fuck did I miss? Didn't he just "serve" 26 years? Regardless of the fluctuating prison sentences, Mason sits in his cell and sews away while his sycophant inmates congratulate him on his return. <br />
It takes him one dream about his daughter to motivate Mason to once again escape. His brilliant plan this time consists of him sewing a patch on his arm and impersonating a fire marshal:<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgU7vvz6gheyE77dtsGiDSV1dOf3nH6bscge6jlw_XoWepqBqkwQBFErAVE8syIMqbu5piuxyDHbfZoeDMVkckLVMF4Dm8AEMWXpVm1Pi_YRZXelWM699XBNzTuyMxzlqzcxfKK8UjdkAy1/s1600/Spoiler+fire.PNG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgU7vvz6gheyE77dtsGiDSV1dOf3nH6bscge6jlw_XoWepqBqkwQBFErAVE8syIMqbu5piuxyDHbfZoeDMVkckLVMF4Dm8AEMWXpVm1Pi_YRZXelWM699XBNzTuyMxzlqzcxfKK8UjdkAy1/s320/Spoiler+fire.PNG" width="320" /></a></div>
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<b>"Yeah, badges are kinda overrated anyway."</b></div>
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How exactly he acquired said magical patch is never determined. I guess we should assume he knitted it himself. Lucky for Mason the guard is a total fucking moron and allows the unescorted convict to leave without any problems. Roger rides a train (nothing better has been invented yet?) along with a bunch of extras that don't understand what acting casually means. A radio broadcasts (No internet?) that the "infamous Roger Mason" has escaped and that the city has been cordoned off. His newfound freedom must have weighed heavily on his conscious because instead of rushing to find his daughter — supposedly, his ultimate goal — he inexplicably decides to attend a confessional:</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEinxnHAjv1ZvYpwQWVL56F88re1_SSIuz9be5Ec1NbudM46CEvrrbsC7_1QbNkMQU0CjtFPvdinLqMZY1cYZJod5WeiQrdZVcRdT26ETodJjAly35M0DwoujvVhyuYllTdTxtT9vhwBYG7X/s1600/Spoiler+confess.PNG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="236" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEinxnHAjv1ZvYpwQWVL56F88re1_SSIuz9be5Ec1NbudM46CEvrrbsC7_1QbNkMQU0CjtFPvdinLqMZY1cYZJod5WeiQrdZVcRdT26ETodJjAly35M0DwoujvVhyuYllTdTxtT9vhwBYG7X/s320/Spoiler+confess.PNG" width="320" /></a></div>
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<b>"There's no forgiveness for a fucking imbecile like you."</b><br />
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This scene is pointless beyond the facts that Daniels is poor at providing levity and this movie's idea of comedy makes me pine for <i>Who's Your Caddy?</i>. Mason mugs the priest and steals his robe only to be caught immediately by the nun standing just outside the church. Echoing the pattern of assholery, the nun snickers heartlessly at Mason's recapture. </div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
Mason is once again at the center of a hearing only this time the judge, sporting a British wig and robe, is the sole arbiter of his case. Roger reveals that his original sentence <i>was for only one year</i> for which he's served thirty. Whose fault is that, dumbass? Wait, why the fuck couldn't you just serve your short term and be done with it in the first place? Did he originally escape because he couldn't handle one measly year in the pokey? How fucking stupid of a premise is this? His request for a reexamination is denied and he is immediately sentenced back into the cryo prison right after he takes a shit. Not kidding. Mason is escorted to the toilet by a pudgy, good-old-boy that would be dispatched with ease simply with one decent punch to his sizable belly. The guard interrogates Mason while he does his business and when there is no reply he takes a swipe at the squatting convict only to realize it's a hologram. Thankfully, Mason was able to conceal this tiny gizmo that screams high technology:<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhZZr3En7GzXSvLwQ-_UOtRJ-dfRP9B6K41VTghxn01KuT3cpArrbjINjA5IPtXXhLRe5s3RItUfIyS07vqR0Ky6353CuQQGM_6omsVT9hrNK5zjTiEAgXjfrFyTfDJASDgDWcDk33wiqtO/s1600/Spoiler+holo.PNG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="238" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhZZr3En7GzXSvLwQ-_UOtRJ-dfRP9B6K41VTghxn01KuT3cpArrbjINjA5IPtXXhLRe5s3RItUfIyS07vqR0Ky6353CuQQGM_6omsVT9hrNK5zjTiEAgXjfrFyTfDJASDgDWcDk33wiqtO/s320/Spoiler+holo.PNG" width="320" /></a></div>
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<b>Where the fuck did he hide THAT!</b></div>
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Seriously, the goddamn thing looks like it weighs twenty pounds! Where did he get this? Was it a backlog gift in his Christmas stocking? For fuck's sake, just give him a cannon and have him blast through a wall if you're not going to even show how he acquired this contraband to begin with. Mason escapes — not before he steals the judge's robes and wig — and rendezvous at a massage parlor with a midget (Tony Cox in an uncredited and badly dubbed role, <i>Ghoulies IV</i>, <i>Bad Santa</i>) whom can get him a fake passport. Unfortunately, the baddest bounty hunter of all time arrives before Roger can complete his plan:<br />
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<b> </b></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiVwbzfvU8b4GaKk3K2mCO9QIXzZrq-zRxKT1y1RZ4OBEpfMWgrUZ9uPeKUlvQavCmMEiMMxHIXvivP83xQMi9rkfrZEy19lU4kihYO1PKK-_ZPmFhj49Xh6aRfXjT0UNnFuYivQp6t6rL8/s1600/Spoiler+Robo.PNG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="238" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiVwbzfvU8b4GaKk3K2mCO9QIXzZrq-zRxKT1y1RZ4OBEpfMWgrUZ9uPeKUlvQavCmMEiMMxHIXvivP83xQMi9rkfrZEy19lU4kihYO1PKK-_ZPmFhj49Xh6aRfXjT0UNnFuYivQp6t6rL8/s320/Spoiler+Robo.PNG" width="320" /></a></div>
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<b>This guy? THIS FUCKING GUY?!?!</b></div>
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I'm sure you recognize Willard Pugh, the failed Detroit mayor of the <i>Robocop</i> series. Anyway, he proceeds to kick Mason's ass up, down and sideways. Roger only escapes after smashing a glass beaker across his face followed by a wooden stool to the back. He limps to the alley only to be apprehended by the police. </div>
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<b> </b>Mason is revived by the same obnoxious attendant — albeit older now but still a cocksucker — after an indeterminate amount of time and is informed that his wife died twenty years prior and that his daughter is now 72-years old. She still takes photos that radiate personality. He refuses his adrenaline shot and limps back to the mess hall where the inmates cheer him on as he tries to eat:</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgSaxtXS0KwBZV3NUNzi954sUj5lG2TpzySoIKKMq1vefvFvHfkfEQK2gKgpAT_SxV38afZtTL_AXvVADoD5577YxS7UOOjTgE96I18_pVZZmW_-0ZhSyKY3YTdNmWsej5zsgNIRUncDJ8k/s1600/Spoiler+eat.PNG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="239" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgSaxtXS0KwBZV3NUNzi954sUj5lG2TpzySoIKKMq1vefvFvHfkfEQK2gKgpAT_SxV38afZtTL_AXvVADoD5577YxS7UOOjTgE96I18_pVZZmW_-0ZhSyKY3YTdNmWsej5zsgNIRUncDJ8k/s320/Spoiler+eat.PNG" width="320" /></a></div>
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<b>"I can't eat with this hideous mutant over my shoulder."</b></div>
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By the way, the bald guy pictured above is an inmate named Lory who was serving time along with Mason before he was caught by the Mayor of Detroit. He's either immortal or a spoiler like Mason. What gives? Either way, Mason has grown tired of their admiration and tells everyone to fuck off which is exactly what you should do after forty minutes invested into this nonsense. </div>
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<b> </b>So, here we are, back where we started. This time will be different, I swear! Mason is approached by Clemets whose drug lord boss is willing to pay for the successful escape of his nephew, Renny (Nicholas Sadler, <i>Scent of a Woman</i>) to the tune of $20,000. Roger agrees and leads Clemets, Renny, Bookman, who supplied the schematics and the immortal Lory. They meet behind a cooler that has a weak spot in the rear wall that they plan to bust through, however, before that, they have to evade capture. While hiding in the cooler a flatulent Renny almost gives their position away:<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiYvRzJFs2wBCHXe6gt4-XWuRHucEHC5fuDXFLYVCr5PnXdv5Bj708-j3YI224LyNSZN8mjsLkz0YPyKNq2bdjvwcBVLdlip5iyvmTRUd2X7iPfGcsSVCDG2bhqBvvFH5DJDBOxWzg1z-sX/s1600/Spoiler+fart.PNG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiYvRzJFs2wBCHXe6gt4-XWuRHucEHC5fuDXFLYVCr5PnXdv5Bj708-j3YI224LyNSZN8mjsLkz0YPyKNq2bdjvwcBVLdlip5iyvmTRUd2X7iPfGcsSVCDG2bhqBvvFH5DJDBOxWzg1z-sX/s320/Spoiler+fart.PNG" width="320" /></a></div>
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<b>Spoiler: Sci-Fi for intellectuals</b></div>
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Renny's stomach eases and the guards continue their sweep for the escaped cons. Roger freezes the wall and with the aid of a sledgehammer (Is any tool off limits to these prisoners?) Lory smashes their way through. The group stops at a fork and begin to feel that the escape was a success. Bookman even blows on his harmonica in celebration! Thanks for keeping this low-key, asshole! Roger is the only one who thinks this was too easy. After a disagreement, Lory and Clemets decide to split up. They are immediately shot dead upon emerging on the outside. Roger, Renny and Bookman come to a hallway that has a security feature called "Deep Shadow" that is an atmospheric barrier that freezes anything liquid in seconds upon contact. Their only hope is to run through it for about 40 feet while keeping their eyes shut and not breathing. Roger goes first:<br />
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<b> </b></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjogoMjnAsvX3aE2WeBICMNkD3NQlBzN6p_yJQuYNiLPTsAZlovCT0PeYABuGbMCfGPxIuFwYAZEiNU-4rRsxJF4lyHZcgktZCzBwT3s8KV_7z8YiG3xRmeUWZp0eiPuDCqxogv1qL90iCl/s1600/Spoiler+ice.PNG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="239" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjogoMjnAsvX3aE2WeBICMNkD3NQlBzN6p_yJQuYNiLPTsAZlovCT0PeYABuGbMCfGPxIuFwYAZEiNU-4rRsxJF4lyHZcgktZCzBwT3s8KV_7z8YiG3xRmeUWZp0eiPuDCqxogv1qL90iCl/s320/Spoiler+ice.PNG" width="320" /></a></div>
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<b>"It's like Chicago in the Spring!"</b></div>
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With visions of his daughter (pre-shitty photo days) cheering him on, an icy Roger reaches the end. Next up is Bookman who definitely has all the enthusiasm and none of the ability of his predecessor. He runs into a wall, gets spun around, freezes and shatters into a million pieces. Renny wants no part of it but quickly changes his mind when he hears the guards approaching. The pair loose the "bulls" as they're called and arrive at a warehouse where Renny's Uncle Hutchy is waiting for them. The whole escape was a setup that was never supposed to succeed, much to the surprise of Hutchy. He puts a bullet through Renny's head then suddenly becomes a man of honor when Roger yells "we had a deal" to him. The brand new bff gives him a card that operates a ship that can take Mason to his daughter. </div>
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<b> </b>Mason is seated inside the ship whom he instructs to take him to Seattle. It does:</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh5fu6ZK-hZpi0dFEevgtaEpZ-0EfM8_yZW3-puUoICnK7XRiBS0Y4KbEon2EG1UfAlmJFCwtFCvY0BrSHYhiDh94hwmAjq69_VCVc3LH_jaV6sN_AN7MEnU6uV9xyXHXeXLFkB5ADL_a6t/s1600/Spoiler+ship.PNG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="238" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh5fu6ZK-hZpi0dFEevgtaEpZ-0EfM8_yZW3-puUoICnK7XRiBS0Y4KbEon2EG1UfAlmJFCwtFCvY0BrSHYhiDh94hwmAjq69_VCVc3LH_jaV6sN_AN7MEnU6uV9xyXHXeXLFkB5ADL_a6t/s320/Spoiler+ship.PNG" width="320" /></a></div>
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<b>I'm genuinely surprised.</b></div>
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Well, at least <i>something</i> in this movie looks futuristic! While Roger naps the ship runs out of fuel. Mason crash lands and is found by a sheriff's deputy who arrests him on the spot. Enough of this retarded Groundhog's Day bullshit! While waiting to be identified, Roger meets in a holding room next to his, China "The Vagina":<br />
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<b> </b></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhbzQunaJTwL0eZkpQRKKG4OQqCDYolVeWGRv4vSTK5lJHcZ50v9h5XWHuKo-q9vs5GvY6vc9duIFmIBQNfcVtPhA7bzyw8pKJTc79i40CEJHtDhYQ6T9RowyIofrOgOG5k9HlIs75wpdby/s1600/Spoiler+China.PNG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhbzQunaJTwL0eZkpQRKKG4OQqCDYolVeWGRv4vSTK5lJHcZ50v9h5XWHuKo-q9vs5GvY6vc9duIFmIBQNfcVtPhA7bzyw8pKJTc79i40CEJHtDhYQ6T9RowyIofrOgOG5k9HlIs75wpdby/s320/Spoiler+China.PNG" width="320" /></a></div>
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<b>More like China "I'm nowhere near <i>THAT</i> drunk"</b></div>
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Roger breaks a hole in the wall causing the deputy to enter his cell to inspect the damage. Roger disarms the dope and flees the jail. While riding the train, Mason meets a little girl whom he befriends to avoid suspicion from security. I guess photos of the "infamous" Roger Mason aren't passed around. He spends the night at the home of the girl whose father (Alex Hyde-White, Reed Richards of Roger Corman's <i>Fantastic Four</i>) becomes suspicious when Mason asks some odd questions. Suspicion becomes full-fledged unquestionable proof when Roger overreacts during a story about an innocent "friend" that went to prison. This guy is a fucking moron. The following morning the police arrive, lead by Captain (Jeffrey Combs, <i>Re-Animator</i>, <i>From Beyond</i>) who plays his small part with unremitting bombast. He's thoroughly gratified by Mason's beating:</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi42rhGpa7FUm7jbuZFPXFf59auborWfRgXZ2JNe1TI-IrUwdXsn5TK2bL-9FEPlWsBLw71VyzljuGYEenkhEBDtmFcRvtW1xXngFDw9Nnb5SaFaa2nnl3oMbhvBlUoh7ILRJsr_1YqpUfd/s1600/Spoiler+Coombs.PNG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi42rhGpa7FUm7jbuZFPXFf59auborWfRgXZ2JNe1TI-IrUwdXsn5TK2bL-9FEPlWsBLw71VyzljuGYEenkhEBDtmFcRvtW1xXngFDw9Nnb5SaFaa2nnl3oMbhvBlUoh7ILRJsr_1YqpUfd/s320/Spoiler+Coombs.PNG" width="320" /></a> </div>
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<b>"I can't believe they pay me for this shit!"</b></div>
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Mason is brought to a hospital under strict orders. As soon as Captain leaves, Roger subdues the doctor and... yes, escapes. While fleeing through the halls of the hospital Roger freezes in shock as he sees a little girl that resembles his daughter exactly. He follows her to a hospital room and calls out her name where he meets the father of the little girl who tells him that the child is not Jillian because he is Jillian's son. Roger realizes who the sick woman in the hospital bed is:<br />
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<b> </b></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjYC8iKQ_2mOuwvp6uFTbY8lwsIKJjSXMRDrhkCkBwMf_bAAEHhKpPyS6Rg1mzS_jJaYB7eIw4esJdi5Zbk6Lm28msTUXZLZypS4vn1gcfMzEee30xYZlyIbR4X1gZBubiWKek3UrxdhAQe/s1600/Spoiler+Gillian.PNG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjYC8iKQ_2mOuwvp6uFTbY8lwsIKJjSXMRDrhkCkBwMf_bAAEHhKpPyS6Rg1mzS_jJaYB7eIw4esJdi5Zbk6Lm28msTUXZLZypS4vn1gcfMzEee30xYZlyIbR4X1gZBubiWKek3UrxdhAQe/s320/Spoiler+Gillian.PNG" width="320" /></a></div>
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<b>"I just "spoiled" my Depends."</b></div>
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Reminiscent of a scene done so much better in <i>Interstellar</i>, Roger finally is reunited with his daughter only to spend the final moments of her life bullshitting her as to what awaits her as she drifts off from this mortal coil. How do I invest any emotion in this scene when the "hero" has fucked up every chance he had to be a part of her life. Who escapes jail on a one year sentence anyway? Fuck him and fuck this movie. Oh yeah, Mason is gunned down as he jogs briskly towards infinity following the ghost of Jillian. At least I think so, because this is how the movie pauses at the end:<br />
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<b>"I got shot in the ass!"</b></div>
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<b> </b><i>Spoiler</i> is ninety minutes of secondhand, tedious, tripe set on replay. Ironically, after watching this I too feel like I've emerged from a 30-year slumber. Unlike Roger Mason, I won't be seeking my daughter as I still owe her at least fifteen years of child support payments. <b> </b></div>
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Zeehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17449809623201999845noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2442264192174795249.post-56328125068344800722016-03-26T13:22:00.002-05:002016-04-07T14:06:53.667-05:00Nicole (1978)<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Sometime in the late seventies, an obscure movie was made that told the tale of an arrogant millionairess who treats people like property until her curiosity wanes and they're ultimately dispatched by a murdering psychopath chauffeur. Under most circumstances, <i>Nicole</i>, as it was originally titled, would have been forgotten quickly and lost to film oblivion where it most appropriately belongs, save for the fact that it contains the one and only nude scene of a young "Kathy Bach" who would reach the height of masturbatory fantasies of young men nationwide thanks to her portrayal of the scantily clad "Daisy Duke" in "The Dukes of Hazard" from 1979-1985. Enter Troma Films, always scanning the celluloid gutter for repackaging, where they bought the rights to the only passable copy, renamed it <i>Crazed</i> and marketed it as the film with Catherine Bach's tits. Well, it worked because I sat through this dull drama in hopes that I can save the next couple of unfortunate skin buffs from wasting an hour-and-a-half of their day that would otherwise be dedicated to internet porn.<br />
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Malcolm (longtime television actor Ramon Bieri) pulls up in a pickup truck to Patricia's house after work and knocks on the door. When nobody answers he lets himself inside. He makes his way to the bedroom where a fully clothed Patricia is already standing in the corner in shock while his best friend, Hal is buckling his pants. Defying logic, Patricia seems to have cheated on her boyfriend/husband? with someone uglier than her current paramour. He physically resembles <a href="http://borderlands.wikia.com/wiki/Salvador" target="_blank">Salvador from Borderlands 2</a>. Good god, woman, how horny can you be? In a rage, Malcolm bashes Hal's skull in with a rotary phone:<br />
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<b>The late 70's. When phones were also melee weapons.</b></div>
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<b> </b>Isn't it just like the delivery man to show up for the water cooler replacement just as you get done murdering someone? In an attempt to silence Patricia's screams from alerting him, Malcolm smothers her with a pillow inadvertently killing her in the process. So, how was work? </div>
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Besides being a pretentious snoozer, <i>Nicole </i>suffers from some of the shoddiest editing I've ever encountered. Scenes are slapped together haphazardly without any semblance of coherency. Couple that with the virtually inaudible dialogue and you are left with an audience so lost they need a compass to reach the ending. The point of my early rant stems from Malcolm's exact place in this film. Namely, the live-in chauffeur for Nicole. If Patricia was his wife, why did he knock on the door? He was carrying a lunch pail from his pickup when he arrived so, clearly, he wasn't working as a limo driver. What happened? How did he suddenly get the job and why hasn't anyone investigated these two deaths? These questions are never addressed as Nicole (Gene Kelly<em> </em>protégée Leslie Caron, <i>Gigi</i>) enters the film and proceeds to play choral music loudly and disrobe to her bra and panties:</div>
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<b>Most of my weekends encapsulated in one picture.</b></div>
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This all occurs to the annoyance of a faceless man who complains that the volume is driving him crazy. Nicole's day basically consists of:</div>
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<li>Attending sophisticated affairs with other stuffy, rich cunts.</li>
<li>Taking photos of scenes on her small bedroom television.</li>
<li>Shopping jaunts escorted by Malcolm and her large guard dog, Duke.</li>
<li>Buying the jeans off local hippie chicks.</li>
<li>Tearing out pages of a Playboy.</li>
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Sometime during this onslaught of minutiae, Nicole arranges for Malcolm to drown a middle-aged man that presumably was the one complaining about the noise earlier. Who exactly this man is in relation to Nicole remains a mystery. </div>
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Bored once again, Nicole is watching television with her camera — the fuck is the purpose of that? — when a commercial for local car dealer, Fletcher "The Dollar Stretcher", piques her interest. Flashbacks are interspersed implying that Nicole was denied a ride by this man when she was hitchhiking during some undisclosed time. This man with hideous taste in style becomes Nicole's newest obsession and enlists Malcolm in tracking his car dealership down. Fletcher, sensing that Nicole didn't come down to purchase a vehicle, instead arranges a date. He gives her his address — he doesn't "believe" in phones — and next thing he knows, Nicole is at his door. Incredulously, he acts like this visit is a total surprise! Nicole begins peppering him with personal questions that ordinarily would send out red flags that she's an entitled bitch who thinks the rest of society is her lesser. A snippet of her dialogue:</div>
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<b>Nicole</b>: "<i>So, your father's a bum</i>?" </div>
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<b>Fletcher</b>: "<i>No, not really</i>."</div>
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<b>Nicole</b>: "<i>Don't tell me he's a nine to fiver</i>."</div>
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<b>Me</b>: "<i>Did anybody see you enter this apartment?</i>" (slips on rubber gloves)</div>
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Continuing at breakneck speed, Nicole and Fletcher are suddenly an item when the latter spies an attractive young lass in her ballet class. Nicole notices his interest and during some pillow talk later that evening suggests arranging a threesome, making him the luckiest hairy bastard in history. Soon Nicole is wooing Sue (the aforementioned Bach) and treats her with the same vain disregard for her particular thoughts or interests. Sue is showered with new clothes, a guesthouse and for some anonymous reason, plastic surgery:</div>
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<b>Even Daisy Duke's magic was powerless to this outfit.</b></div>
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I know what you're thinking. You've been sitting there flaccid as an Amish pastor on Sunday morning, waiting for Bach's "big reveal". This fucker makes you wait like, well... every girl you ever dated in high school. Late one evening after another of Nicole's affluent socials, Fletcher, Sue and one horny old coot, retire to a houseboat to sleep. Inexplicably, Nicole sleeps in the same room with the old coot who is clearly smitten with Sue while Fletcher gets to share bunks with the young babe. Sue disrobes before going to bed:</div>
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<b>Look at the size of that pineapple!</b></div>
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Over an hour in to get to the very scene that Troma went out and got the endorsement from Mr. Skin himself for. Nicole begins to think that Fletcher is cheating on her with Sue (he isn't) and confronts him with her suspicions. Fletcher wakes up and realizes that she treats him like a possession rather than a person and walks out on her. Thoroughly dejected, Nicole turns to Malcolm once again to do her dirty work while she keeps Sue company along with Duke later that night. She arrives to find the house empty and while inspecting the contents of the bedroom scenes are interspersed implying a time where Nicole fondled Sue's tits*:</div>
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<b>*Unconfirmed tits. Possibly stunt boobs.</b></div>
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While perusing a magazine article, Sue returns only to be mauled to death by Duke. In a panic, Nicole drives off realizing that her alibi no longer exists once Fletcher is dead. She races to stop Malcolm while scenarios of all the witnesses who can easily attest to the police her connection to Sue's death torment her. She arrives but is too late. Malcolm is already digging a ditch as Fletcher's corpse is wrapped up. Nicole berates Malcolm for killing him and the visibly perplexed chauffeur dashes off into the woods as the catty cunt wails over her dead lover. I can see the Kardashian/West marriage ending in the exact same way. Thanks Troma... fuckin' assholes.</div>
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Zeehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17449809623201999845noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2442264192174795249.post-37393722432918071732016-01-17T15:53:00.000-06:002016-01-17T15:53:07.267-06:00UFO: Target Earth (1974)<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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If someone were to ask you, "Is there a mildly retarded version of <i>2001: A Space Odyssey </i>that can cure my insomnia?" Yes ... yes there is. Filmed over two weeks around Atlanta with a $70,000 budget, <i>UFO: Target Earth </i>is one of the dullest science fiction films to disgrace the genre. First time director Michael DeGaetano seems to think that merely pointing a camera in the direction of his wooden actors and filming asinine conversations is all that is needed to compel his audience to watch further. Even more galling,<i> there isn't even a fucking UFO in the movie</i>! Let's get this anal probing started.<br />
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<i>UFO</i> starts out like a mockumentary as a reporter documents several locals and their respective encounters with what they believe to be alien visitors. They include:<br />
<ul>
<li>A professor who was "blown" by an object outside his stalled car</li>
<li>An old woman who saw something fly quickly, stop and hover</li>
<li>A couple that was abducted and examined by extraterrestrials </li>
<li>Two ranchers claim a cigar-shaped craft caused a small airplane to crash</li>
</ul>
Get all that? Don't worry if you didn't because these cases have nothing to do with our story. Opening credits time and I have to admit, I liked the folksy "Between the Attic and the Moon" that accompanies the only real "evidence" provided by this film.<br />
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<b>"You flew 200 light years in THAT?"</b></div>
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The song reminds me of the awesome bumper music that Art Bell used to play on Coast to Coast AM. I'm always a skeptic but that doesn't mean I'm not open to the idea of aliens existing in the vast reaches of the universe. Anyway, a voiceover informs us that the mannequin with humanlike qualities is Alan Grimes, a "teaching fellow" at the University of Gainesville who is about to overhear a phone conversation that will change the course of his life. Alan somehow is able to eavesdrop on a conversation between two military personnel concerning two blips on the radar and a 15% drop in capacity at the Buford power plant. One of the men wants to scramble some jets to investigate because he "feels" that something is out there. No wonder our military budget is so high. Alan hangs up, clearly riveted at this conscious shattering revelation. THERE ARE TWO BLIPS OUT THERE!!! A red phone rings and General Gallagher answers it. He confirms the deployment.</div>
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<b>"I need a strike team to burn these curtains."</b></div>
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<b> </b>Alan flashes back to one night when he was a child complaining about the light "like a star" hurting him and looking at him naked. His mom refers to it as his "waking star" and adds that everyone has one. From which body orifice did you pull that one from? Is this a southern thing? I thought I was being fondled at night by ghosts until I realized the spirit had a five-o-clock shadow and smelled like bourbon. Snapping back to reality, Alan calls Dr. Mansfield and urgently asks to speak with Vivian tonight. Surely, she must know something important, right? </div>
<b> </b>Vivian is a neurotic who believes that she has an extrasensory connection to extraterrestrial <strike>beings</strike> energy. Sorry Vivian, I didn't mean to be so "dimensional". What was so critical that Alan had to speak with her immediately? The hell if I know! This is how the short scene ends:<br />
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<i>(Alan stops recording the conversation) </i></div>
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<i> </i><b>Alan: </b>"Listen, uh... I have to make an appointment. Do you have some time tomorrow?"</div>
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<b>Vivian: </b>"I don't know."</div>
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<i>Scene immediately fades to black</i></div>
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Thank god he spoke with her as soon as possible! This happens quite a bit.<br />
Alan arrives at the Planetarium to speak with Dr. Wheeler who is giving a lecture about comets and how history has chronicled them as harbingers of great change. Alan asks Wheeler what his opinion is of UFOs and the doctor simply tells him that there has to be a scientific explanation for whatever visual phenomena is being experienced. He invites Alan to the observatory later that evening to see a real UFO. Get a room guys. We arrive at said observatory and Dr. Wheeler bloviates about how aliens have become a part of our modern mythology and is preferred at times over more mundane explanations. UFO: Target Afternoon Nap. Can we move this thing along?<br />
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<b>"Allow me to show you the effects of gravity on my scrotum."</b></div>
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The unidentified flying object Wheeler shows Alan through the telescope is nothing more than a comet. Alan is about to confide in Wheeler a "curiosity" he has (don't ask) but before he goes into detail the scene fades to black. He must have asked for a reach around because Dr. Wheeler is adamant about associating his academic standing with UFOs. He believes it's an electrical anomaly and adds: "What the hell do we know about electricity?" This guy is a doctor? Alan obviously quips that it's a power source to which Wheeler retorts, "So is imagination". George Lucas couldn't write dialogue worse than this. </div>
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<b> </b>The train to Minutiae Town keeps chugging along as Alan meets Vivian at a local dive bar. She tells him about this oppressive feeling she has been experiencing and wonders if it was emanating from him. Alan is interested to know the impression Vivian senses from him. Instead of verbalizing it she begins to have a psychic orgasm as the obnoxious song blaring through the bar slows down considerably. She gasps that the "stars" are so bright causing Alan to flash back again to that night when he was a child. </div>
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An agitated Alan is in the home of Dr. Mansfield where we have the same dead-end conversation between science and myth that happened minutes ago with Dr. Wheeler. Alan refers to an explosion of UFO sightings (thanks for the invite DeGaetano) after his meeting with Vivian and asks for her help in acquiring some equipment he feels might be useful. Mansfield seems reticent until Alan ends the scene with this bizarre non sequitur: "When the circle's drawn, they're joined". The fuck does that even mean? </div>
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Frustrated by his lack progress, Alan bursts open Vivian's bedroom door, tears off her skirt and penetrates her from behind. She moans that his energy needs immediate release. He chuckles lustily and whispers in her ear, "Do you see stars now?" Sorry, I just wanted to type something fun. Back to the grind. Alan and Vivian take the Mystery Wagon to see General Gallagher under the guise of "joining their equipment". O-kaaay. Instead of discussing anything of substance that might advance the plot a millimeter we are treated to a conversation about the military's phone lines and communication cables. Another useless fucking scene from Cyclops DeGaetano. </div>
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Meeting later at a park bench, Alan ironically confesses to Vivian that Gallagher will be useless in their investigation. Vivian reports that during her interviews with the locals that there have been UFO sightings around a lake near the Buford power plant that go back years. There also is now a strong military presence at the plant when some of the steel beams appeared to have been blistered from a high heat source around the time of the power outage. Conveniently, Alan dismisses any chance of photographing any evidence of these burns now that the Army is there. Nope, let's just stay here at the park and film another dull conversation. Instead, let's head to Dr. Mansfield's lab! She agrees to allow Alan to use their computer to <i>evaluate the results of his interviews</i>. How, in 1974, is this possible and what information can you extrapolate from some yokel who saw a light in the sky? You really know what captivates an audience, DeGaetano. MOAR INTERVIEZ!<br />
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<b>I love watching professionals ply their trade.</b><br />
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You can clearly see the boom microphone slide towards whoever is speaking. Easily, the most entertaining scene nearly thirty-five minutes into this dog. The interviewee gives an account of when she was a child during an eclipse a "piece" of it fell into the lake nearby. Since then, as many as seven light sources have appeared in that area over the years. This, of course, is the one piece of evidence that proves Alan's theory. A splitting of the lights creating "an energy force with a flight pattern". Where the fuck did you come to that conclusion? The doddering fool merely said she saw lights by the lake! Nowhere did she describe specific sequences they were following! How do you make a factual conclusion based on anecdotal evidence? We have no clue who this lady even is for fuck's sake! Did you write your script on a Waffle House napkin, DeGaetano? </div>
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Back at the lab the computer is printing out Alan's data on his fix points and they're "wild, man, really wild":</div>
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<b>I'M AT THE EDGE OF MY SEAT!!!</b><br />
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The all-knowing supercomputer determines with all the "data" that Alan should place his sensors on the opposite end of the lake furthest from their camp. As they begin to setup the sensors, Vivian starts to feel a sense of déjà vu and accuses Alan of binding her soul to his technology (who speaks like this?) which he assures her he's not. While Alan begins setting up his sensors on the other end of the lake, Vivian hears a creepy voice calling out her name through the walkie-talkie. She drops it and runs deeper into the woods. When she doesn't answer Alan returns to the campsite and begins to search for her along with the newly arrived Dr. Mansfield and her assistant Dan. When the trio finally locate Vivian, her demeanor has changed:<br />
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<b>Vivian's attempt at camouflage was unsuccessful. </b></div>
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She growls at them to get away from this place. Alan remark<b>s </b>astonishingly that she's become "a whole other person" (oh, gawd!) when they are warned not to enter the circle by threat of death. Vivian pleads that "they" are controlling her and that she can't touch them. Mansfield consoles her and brings her back to the campsite. Still no fucking aliens. Later the evening, Mansfield — through all her scientific based skepticism — suddenly theorizes that an alien ship crashed into the lake where the occupants have remained alive and have on occasion sent out satellites to secure power via the Buford plant and monitor the environment. Vivian rightly asked why haven't they simply left if they possess such high technology when Mansfield posits that perhaps they haven't been able to repair the damage that will allow them to generate the power to leave Earth's gravitational pull. Alan chimes in that Mansfield couldn't possibly believe that theory and she agrees with the stipulation that they have to assume all possibilities in order to conduct their investigation. Even if it's fantasy? In that case, why not start looking for a magical dragon cave nearby? </div>
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The following evening, Mansfield is bedridden with dizzy spells, however, the investigation continues. Some electrical equipment is active along with two televisions when Dan excitedly reports to Alan that a high energy level has been detected in the lake. While the equipment hums, blips, and whirs something appears on the television compelling Alan towards it:</div>
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<b>You cheap son of a bitch.</b></div>
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Dan and Vivian become concerned at Alan's fixation with the image and they attempt to disconnect the equipment. Vivian suddenly has an epiphany (which she doesn't share to the audience) and pleads to Alan to take them with. The "aliens" finally make their grand appearance:<br />
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<b> Aliens: Target Laughable</b></div>
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Since they are energy beings, this is the form that the take based on Alan's preconceived fears. The alien asks Alan to cast it aside before Mansfield rises and babbles about how our fears create the forms we see. Uh, we got that already. I'll spare you the metaphysical gobbledygook spouted by the alien and tell you that they have waited over 1000 years for someone like Alan. He walks in a daze towards the lake and as he does he starts to age rapidly. The alien tells him that they need his imagination in order to free themselves from the lake. Imagination? Really? One thousand fucking years in a lake because no imagination? Why didn't you just look for this guy?</div>
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Alan is given a choice: Give them the power and die immediately or refuse and watch the planet end during his lifetime. After some poorly imitated graphics reminiscent of the <i>2001: A Space Odyssey </i>finale, the alien returns to tell him that only three others in all of mankind have ascended with them. Alan, now aged considerably, somehow fights off Dan and shuffles deeper into the water to become the fourth. Dan dives back in to retrieve Alan, however, instead he drags out only a skeleton:</div>
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<b>Dan locates the sole audience member.</b></div>
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Now, "beyond the jaws of darkness" a beam of light is seen traveling through space. The ending incorrectly quotes the wrong verse from the book of Revelation (The Apocalypse of St. John) that by no means clarifies anything. <br />
Let me get this straight: Formless energy beings crash into Earth periodically, making themselves captives on the planet until they can find someone with the imagination to free them <b>ONLY</b> if they agree to sacrifice their life? What in the galactic fuck would be the purpose of that? Don't these asshole have better things to do than come all this way to basically beg for change for the bus? Why the fuck would you build a vehicle that runs on a fuel so rare that you're completely fucked if you run out? Now that I think about it, why did they need spaceship to begin with? Aren't they formless beings? Can't they just float the hell out of here? I guess <i>Formless Light: Shittiest Movie Ever</i> would have been too honest, huh? Another thing: How have they been waiting for 1000 years? The old lady clearly told Alan and Vivian that she saw something fall from the sky and into the lake when she was a young child. How old is she? Were you just making shit up as you went along DeGaetano?<br />
I'm not sure if he was trying to make an intellectual film with science fiction aspects to it or DeGaetano is just completely clueless on how to write a coherent script. If ever a job needed to be outsourced it was that. By the way, if UFO is in your title there better damn well be a UFO making an appearance at some point during the film. Instead, we get one tedious talk-heavy scene after another without any attempt of compelling the audience to watch until the end. Frank Capra once said "There are no rules in filmmaking. Only sins. And the cardinal sin is dullness." Thankfully, Frank never watched <i>UFO:Target Earth</i>, otherwise he would have plucked his own eyeballs out of their sockets. All copies of this movie should be tossed into your nearest lake. The deeper, the better. <br />
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Zeehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17449809623201999845noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2442264192174795249.post-50558598288200168592015-10-22T19:20:00.000-05:002015-10-22T19:20:32.685-05:00Nurse Sherri (1978)<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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It's 1978 and the exploitation phase is quickly coming to the end of the drive-in era. Looking to squeeze one more film out of Independent-International Pictures, known for such low-fare classics like <i>Satan's Sadists</i> and <i>Dracula vs. Frankenstein, </i>co-founder Sam Sherman is inspired to film an erotic nurse-related movie after watching Roger Corman strike gold with <i>Night Call Nurses</i> and <i>Candy Stripe Nurses</i> earlier that decade. All he needed was a hook. The supernatural horror film <i>Carrie</i> was all the rage and that was more than enough for Sam to combine the genres together and summon his partner-in-crime, Al Adamson to direct. The result became <i>Beyond the Living</i> or <i>Horror Hospital</i> or <i>Killer's Curse</i>, <i>Hands of Death </i>and <i>Black Voodoo</i>. Ya see, neither Al or Sam actually knew how to market their finished product. Helluva way to end your run, boys.<br />
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Eventually they decided on <i>The Possession of Nurse Sherri</i> and for some inexplicable reason decided to excise most of the nudity including all of the scenes filmed by voluptuous starlet Jill Jacobson. <i>Possession </i>focused more on the horror aspect of the film, mainly J.C. Wells' character Stevens and his decent into alcoholism as he tries to alert others to Reanhauer's plans from beyond the grave. I've watched both versions and for the sake of penises everywhere I'm going to focus on the more boobs-friendly version retitled for video simply as <i>Nurse Sherri</i>. <br />
Our film begins out in the California desert where "brother" Stevens (Wells) — a member of a new-age cult — meets up with the head guru, Reanhauer. Things are tense, namely because brother William has died two days earlier and all the prayers and fasting in the world ain't bringing his corpse back. Stevens informs Reanhauer that William's mother has been inquiring about his well being and unless they perform a miracle, somebody's going to jail for denying him insulin. After three weeks of chanting "rise William, rise" (surprised that didn't work) shit starts gettin' real and Stevens is done with Reanhauer's mystical fraud bullshit. He lays it out straight for this cracker:<br />
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Despite the cold slap to the face courtesy of Stevens, Reanhauer decides to attempt to resurrect William from the dead himself. Gathering his legion of six followers (including the disgruntled Stevens) Reanhauer summons all the strength he has (which is none) and commands William to rise. Poor Billy ain't lookin' too good:</div>
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<b>"Walk it off ya pussy!"</b></div>
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The ceremony reaches it's crescendo and all that "rising" could muster is what appeared to be William's last fart on this plane of existence. In a fit of shock Reanhauer collapses to the ground clutching his ticker. His acolytes rush to his aid while Stevens stands alone in silent approval. </div>
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<b> </b>If you're a fan of boring ambulance rides through drab suburban locales then have I got the movie for you! Two-and-half minutes of pulse-pounding, non-stop, siren blaring action at speeds up to 25 mph! Why not film the drivers taking a piss after they arrived, Al? Reanhauer is rushed to the emergency room where two of the doctors look old enough to have operated on George Washington during the Revolutionary War. Try as they might, they fail and the kooky cult leader kicks this mortal coil to the curb. Young nurse Sherri is in the next room attending to clean utensils when she feels physically uneasy just as Reanhauer is flatlining. She's snapped out of her stupor when Doctor Peter Desmond (Geoffrey Land - <i>Doctor Dracula</i>) offers her a hand:</div>
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<b>Too... much... internet porn.</b></div>
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Sherri is not pleased but that doesn't sway Peter who must get really horny seeing old men croak. He suggests they shower together prompting Sherri to quip that she's involved with a crazy doctor. Crazy, I'm not sure. Morally unethical? Absolutely. After some lovers talk about "doing what they did last night" we are immediately transported to said activities:<br />
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<b>Well, all righty then!</b></div>
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After kneading Sherri's massive tits and worshiping them like the twin gods they are it's time to share with each other their "strangest sexual experience." First up is Peter during his pre-med days in college. In a scene that would be duplicated later in <i>Police Academy</i>, Peter is orally serviced behind a podium while he gives a lecture to his giggling audience. Could you imagine the reaction from the perpetually offended cunts that occupy our universities if this happened today? He'd get the fucking death sentence! Sherri's provocative encounter took place in college as well when her busty blond friend couldn't help but attempt to climb her mountains during a massage by the pool:<br />
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<b>Thank God you cut this scene, Al.</b></div>
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Back at work, nurse Tara (the lovely Marilyn Joi - <i>Detroit 9000</i>, <i>The Candy Tangerine Man</i>) excitedly breaks the news to Sherri that running back Marcus Washington is a patient at the hospital. Tara busts open his door, not taking his physical and mental state into consideration, and immediately bombards him with her fandom. Marcus won't be setting anymore hearts aflutter on the field:</div>
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<b>Detroit immediately signed him to a 3-year deal.</b></div>
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Marcus is visibly (ha!) upset that his career is over and indignantly accuses Tara of peddling "honkey crap". She informs the bigot of her skin tone and marches her shapely self out of his room. Damn, she looks good walking away!</div>
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The following morning, Sherri is lounging in a robe that can barely constrain her when she starts to feel an odd presence while lying in bed. A green glow emerges from under the door in one of Al Adamson's cheeziest effects ever: </div>
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Sherri's body is suddenly engulfed by the fiendish cloud and after a few titillating gyrations she is now infused with the dastardly spirit of Reanhauer. Sadly, he does not stand in front of a mirror and fondle his new set of hooters for the next five hours like most of us would.<br />
Back at the hospital, Marcus requests Tara to his room so he can apologize for his earlier outburst. Nurse Beth tries to comfort an apprehensive patient named Charlie. She finds that the easiest way to calm his nerves is to pump all that negativity out of him. Poor Beth definitely drew the short straw as far as conjugal male counterparts go:<br />
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<b>"My PPO covers OPP."</b></div>
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Later, assuming after Beth poured bleach down her throat, Sherri is apprised of Marcus' unfortunate accident. <b> </b>Windshield glass pierced both of his eyes after a bad car crash. There's little time for empathy as Peter invites the ladies out to lunch. While Tara and Beth debate on <strike>reporting him to human resources</strike> what to eat, Sherri has other plans. Instead, she drives to a graveyard so she can practice her prison yard stare. When she returns, Peter is nonplussed about her not appearing for lunch with him. She soothes his temper with the hint of sex later on. Filling in for Tara, Sherri enters Marcus' room but is stopped cold in her tracks as she angrily reacts to a silver bracelet that Marcus wears that appears to have two Medusa heads engraved on it. Marcus feels a sudden chill in the room as Sherri silently slinks away. </div>
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Sherri is back on the road and makes her way to Dr. Nelson's ranch. Nelson was one of the three surgeons in the operating room when Reanhauer died. She tells him that there is a very important package for him in the back of her car and when he inspects the empty trunk:</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh7ulofOrOe5YyF0cQA8lT-v9LF5MMCty3yHWtORnXbNpPnh7XrWy8GgfNlpqEYnYS43Np75k_a51W2MHAoDqhac3PWIcjxsfr3WdCDRUBMNc-69yWO86iVPFpYrHd7rYjC5uLgOp6PaD-g/s1600/NS+fork.PNG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh7ulofOrOe5YyF0cQA8lT-v9LF5MMCty3yHWtORnXbNpPnh7XrWy8GgfNlpqEYnYS43Np75k_a51W2MHAoDqhac3PWIcjxsfr3WdCDRUBMNc-69yWO86iVPFpYrHd7rYjC5uLgOp6PaD-g/s320/NS+fork.PNG" width="320" /></a></div>
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<b>Fork you.</b></div>
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She returns to the hospital and appears in a dressing room bloodied just as Tara was admiring her own bare breasts. The girl's got timing! </div>
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Peter arrives later that evening to Sherri's house. A house, by the way, that is covered in a hideous myriad of green, blue and white wallpaper. Fucking seventies, man. Peter, summoning all logic, puts her disappearance from lunch and reappearing later with blood on her face together and comes to the sound conclusion that perhaps she is cheating on him. He presses her further until a deeper voice comes from Sherri's mouth (it certainly isn't Reanhauer's) warning him of powers that are beyond the laws of science. Sherri faints away. </div>
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<b> </b>Peter consults with Dr. Andrews (John Goff, <i>Drive In Massacre</i>) a psychologist who seems hellbent on committing somebody... anybody! Searching for a logical explanation for the voice that spoke through Sherri, Peter recites what was said to him to Andrews. This causes him to suddenly remember a conversation he had with Reanhauer (was this <i>before</i> his heart attack?) where he flatly rejects any medication and brags that his powers are limitless. A following scene with Peter and Dr. Nelson now informs us that Reanhauer was very much alive after he arrived at the hospital and died later on during a follow-up operation. <br />
During a sponge bath Tara asks Marcus about the bracelet he wears. Turns out it's a gift given to him from his Haitian grandmother to ward off demons. What a coincidence! He gives it to Tara who is so thankful for the gift that she rides that black stallion blind. Oh, wait... <br />
Peter returns to Sherri (fuck, even her couch is ugly!) and asks her if she spoke to Reanhauer at all. Of course she did:<br />
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<b>"I have many leather-bound books and my apartment smells of rich mahogany."</b></div>
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He tells her that she is one of the "chosen few" and tries to seduce her with this shiny nugget:</div>
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<i><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">"I'll introduce you to the bliss that lies beyond the borders of hell."</span></i><b></b></div>
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You sure about bliss bordering hell? Is this like a bondage/domination fetish you have Reanhauer? Sherri's head starts to throb as she recollects the conversation to Peter. The following morning Sherri pays Dr. Brown a visit at his private practice office and shanks him in the side with a knife. It's an instant kill. Marcus becomes spiritually mindful of the demonic presence that is inside Sherri. Reanhauer becomes aware of this and attempts to murder him in his room but is foiled when Tara grabs her arm and parallelizes her with the bracelet. Peter bursts into the room just in time to hear:</div>
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Possessed or drunk? I'm not sure. </div>
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Dr. Andrews pleads with Peter to allow him to admit Sherri to a sanitarium. He angrily refuses and storms out of the office. Marcus tells Tara and Beth that the only way to free Sherri from the spirit of Reanhauer is to exhume the corpse and cremate it. Instead of laughing in his fucking face like any normal person would they instead set out to find the location of his burial through the hospital files. They arrive at <strike>Al's backyard</strike> the grave site, find where Reanhauer's buried and start digging under the cover of night. Meanwhile, Peter checks on Sherri and nurse Gordon that he assigned to watch over her. He arrives to find Gordon's lifeless body slumped in a corner by the couch. Across the city, Tara and Beth reach the coffin and open it. Peter enters the blood spattered bathroom (bamboo wallpaper, really?) where Sherri emerges from behind the shower stall:</div>
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<b>Now who's going to scrub the shower?</b></div>
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Sherri slices Peter across the chest and just before she hacks him to death Tara and Beth light the gasoline-soaked bones of Reanhauer on fire. Sherri returns to her senses and collapses her blood soaked milk jugs into Peter's arms. </div>
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<b> </b>In the aftermath of the events Andrews tells Peter that despite Marcus' assurances that she was possessed and had no knowledge of her actions a court of law won't save her from prosecution. Her only hope is to be proven insane. A dejected Peter realizes this and stares into a padded room where Sherri is a tearful prisoner of.</div>
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<b>Ah, the low-cut padded jacket! Rawr!</b></div>
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<b> </b>I've said it before and I'll say it again, female nudity always helps. This is definitely the case with <i>Nurse Sherri</i>. The other cut has some silly moments such as Reanhauer's ghost possessing a car, however, they made a serious error by turning Stevens into a functional alcoholic. Besides, how can anyone take a gander at Jill Jacobson's magnificent melons and think "<i>maybe we should leave those scenes on the cutting room floor?</i>" No one, that's who! Well, except for Al Adamson who is now burning in Hades for eternity for this egregious error. <b> </b></div>
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Zeehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17449809623201999845noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2442264192174795249.post-76993099020056313472015-10-02T14:54:00.001-05:002022-12-14T09:02:26.665-06:00Double Down (2005)<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Neil Breen, a Las Vegas architect and real estate agent, is a very unique man. He was born without the ability of introspection, a trait only found in politicians. You see, somewhere along the road when he was peddling two bedroom ranches in the suburbs for half a million dollars he realized that this was not his true calling in life and that, in fact, he is a messianic auteur that had an important message for the sake of humanity that could only be translated through insanely disjointed films that no one will see. Oh, by the way: you're welcome.<br />
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There's nothing wrong with having higher aspirations and pursuing them. However, at some point most adults realize that talent, acumen and plain ol' goddamn reality become quite the effective barrier from continuing to indulge in these fantasies and that's exactly what they are for the most part ... fantasies. If given the choice, don't you think everyone would choose to be a well paid athlete, musician or actor? How about a successful inventor or wealthy CEO? Of course they would! The truth is, you are not entitled to be, say, a professional baseball player just because you played little league. Sad as it may be, some people were born to clean toilets, serve burgers and beg for money while blogging about bad films. Speaking of myself, I readily admit that I have no more talent to direct films than Breen does and that I, perhaps, would produce something worse. That's because my expectations meet with my reality and it's this very scenario that Neil ignores entirely. The hyper inflated ego and narcissism displayed by this man has totally blinded him to the level of other-worldly horseshit his movies are. Neil, without a doubt, is a <i>true</i> <i>believer</i> in The Church of Breen. <br />
Trying to relate into words what exactly transpired in <i>Double Down</i> reminds me of the movie <a href="https://youtu.be/Nj8fut8XmtE" target="_blank"><i>Skullduggery</i></a> that I reviewed years ago on my old website. Though it might seem like I am leaving out information pertinent to the description of the scene, I'm nonetheless describing it exactly as it is unfolding. Most of this film is simply a juxtapositioning of scenes, completely bereft of continuity and clarity. Let's begin, shall we?<br />
<i>Double Down</i> opens with sweeping shots of the Vegas desert accompanied by an uninspired score which is played <i>ad nauseam</i> along with generic credits that inform you uncouth dogs that the star/director/writer/producer/dog walker/union rep/balloon animal maker/God Emperor of Dune/part-time accountant is the aforementioned Neil Breen. Breen's movies are self-financed and filmed on the cheap (his latest effort had an <a href="https://www.indiegogo.com/projects/pass-thru-a-neil-breen-feature-film#/story" target="_blank">Indiegogo Page</a>) and it shows, however, I will say that at the very least it seems he bought a decent camera. We catch our first glimpse of Super Agent Aaron Brand in his natural habitat:<br />
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<b>Where is he? He must be a MASTER OF CAMOUFLAGE!</b><br />
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Aaron gives us his resume. Are you ready for this?</div>
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<ul>
<li>First in his college class in computer science. </li>
<li>Became fighter pilot in the "military" (Air Force?) and won <i>many</i> (emphasis his) medals for distinguished service.</li>
</ul>
As he skulks around the desert rocks trying to avoid <a href="http://fallout.wikia.com/wiki/Deathclaw_%28Fallout:_New_Vegas%29" target="_blank">Deathclaws</a> he then claims to live between "this world and the other." No Neil, I'd venture to say reality moved out years ago leaving fantasy behind with no job, nothing to eat and a stack of unpaid bills. Speaking of paying the bills, Aaron is now a secret covert agent who works as a mercenary for any country that wants to control another. You catch all that? If you're a secret covert agent how exactly does a country track you down to contract you as a mercenary? And why would they? Calling yourself a "covert agent" implies that you are actively serving United States intelligence in some capacity. What if as a mercenary you are given a task that would run counter to U.S. intelligence? Would you still do it? You see Neil, you can be one or the other but not both. If you think I'm being petty, well, stayed tuned. </div>
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Still playing Cloak & Dagger with himself in the Vegas wasteland, Aaron informs us that he met the love of his life at the age of seven and was engaged to be married to her. Breen's obsession with fated lovers that shared a childhood together is a recurring theme in his films. I think it's fucking creepy as hell. More resume padding:</div>
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<ul>
<li>Joined secret strategic support branch (Is there a non-secret branch?) of the Defense Intelligence Agency to fight terrorism around the world. </li>
<li>Became best agent they ever had! </li>
<li>Developed a "way" to control any computer or satellite the government had. </li>
</ul>
That last little nugget was so unfathomable that the United States government assassinated ... his fiancee? Wait, why? Did you brag about this shit with her? Did you threaten to leave, and if so why didn't they kill you? Secondly, if you're this newfangled super agent, how in fuck's name did you <i>not</i> foil this? Best agent my ass, slick. This broke his heart (Awww) and caused him to become a mercenary. So you're an EX-covert agent then? His mercenary resume is even more impressive:</div>
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<ul>
<li>Controls access to the National Geo-Spacial Intelligence Agency:</li>
</ul>
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<b>Yep, controls the whole fucking thing.</b></div>
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What the fuck is this guy, Cobra Commander? You mean <b>nobody</b> else has access to this giant honkin' satellite in space? Why again did they kill his fiancee and not him? The resume continues:</div>
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<ul>
<li>Controls access to "anything and everything". </li>
</ul>
So, if I asked you for access to Kate Upton's vagina you could make that happen with a few strokes of the keyboard? Are you a fucking genie now too? By the way, Super Agent is so superior to everyone that his state-of-the art laptops look like they weigh about fifty pounds. Perhaps it's just extra weight training for when the Saiyans arrive on Earth. Anyway, this is all possible from his self-described "brilliant" setup:</div>
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<b>Homeless man or super agent? You decide!</b><br />
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Your laptop looks like it's a small breeze away from tumbling down the rocks into oblivion. Then again, I'm not the greatest agent the D.I.A. ever committed future spousal homicide against so, what do I know? Aaron refers to his deceased girlfriend and himself always wanting to have children before that was taken away from him. You can still have them Aaron, just not with her. RESUME UPDATE:</div>
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<ul>
<li>Works as freelance agent now for <i>many</i> (emphasis his) countries making millions of dollars on various covert assignments. </li>
<li>Gives money away to various children support charities all over the world such as orphanages, hospitals and schools and supporting evacuees from national disasters around the globe "like hurricanes, like Katrina". Thanks for clearing that up. </li>
</ul>
Ya see, he's a mercenary with heart! He also can cut through all the red tape and get the funds directly to the people that need it unlike some dishonest governments. I'm lookin' at you Obama! Recently, Aaron received orders from "another country" to shut down the Las Vegas strip for two months. Excuse me Mr. Humanitarian Mercenary but wouldn't that hurt a lot of the very same innocent people that you purport to help? How do you think orphanages, hospitals and schools would hold up during a terrorist attack from another nation lasting two months? Do you ever proofread your scripts, Neil? What, more resume? Okay, whatever:</div>
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<ul>
<li>Received bio electro medical implants to assist him in carrying out his "attacks". Sounds pretty compassionate to me! Do you shoot welfare checks from your eyes as well? </li>
</ul>
It starts to get really murky now.</div>
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<ul>
<li>Murders white collar criminals who have "escaped the legal system". Is this nationally or do you try to keep it within the Las Vegas metropolitan area you fucking psychopath? </li>
</ul>
If that isn't disturbing enough he adds that they "get what they rightfully deserve" and that the "fields" (desert?) are full of their bodies:<br />
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<b>Jury trials are for faggots.</b><br />
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Contradicting all his braggadocio, Aaron then declares that he is a simple man who just wanted to raise a family and share his knowledge of shock and terror with the non-super agent portion of society. Don't believe him? Well, who else would live out of their car wearing only sleeveless shirts and subsisting solely on cans of tuna? You know, besides recently divorced men? Super Aaron almost drives off the road and into a rock as a piece of tuna falls into his lap along with roughly a pound of the stuff dispersed all over his crotch. You could seriously feed ten cats with the amount of tuna Agent Ninja Dragon failed to place in his pie hole. More resume? Are you fucking kiddin' me? </div>
<ul style="text-align: left;">
<li>He can tap into <i>any</i> government secret system with his computer, cell phone or satellites! Ya know why? Because he invented half of the "secret systems" sukka! Who can stop this hacker god? Assemble the girlfriend assassination team, ASAP! </li>
</ul>
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Even though Aaron was given this "great power" (humility, motherfucker — look it up) he's tormented by loneliness after his girlfriend's death. Why don't you hack into eHarmony and look for a single woman in her fifties that isn't really into looks and likes men that have delusions of grandeur. In hindsight, that's actually about 75% of the male population in Las Vegas anyway so, forget I mentioned that. All the essentials that Aaron needs are supplied out of his car:</div>
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<ol>
<li>Satellite dishes (Probably for Playboy After Dark)</li>
<li>Five laptops — each weighing a metric ton</li>
<li>Six cellphones</li>
<li>and lastly .... BIOTERROR!</li>
</ol>
Nope, not kidding on that last one. Get ready to be taken down fast and hard bitch:</div>
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<b>"I just blew up the moon!"</b></div>
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Generic footage that is extremely dated of some yahoos working for NASA is spliced in while our genius assassin works out of the back of a truck like a Mexican selling oranges just off the highway. This is another staple of Breen's films. The generic footage that is, not the whole oranges thing. Governments HATE Aaron and they wouldn't dare try to assassinate him because he's planted biological bombs (biological weapons?) in seven major cities that our humanitarian advocate readily admits would kill hundreds of thousands of innocent people while simultaneously crippling their economies. This is supposed to be the hero we're pulling for Neil? It's pretty clear the world would be a calmer place without Aaron Brand's scorched earth disposition. These bombs will detonate if Aaron doesn't input a code every three days. He was also kind enough to secretly (of course!) alert all major news agency of his plan for <strike>mass murder</strike>, actually, <strike>saving his own ass</strike>, I mean, blurring the lines as to who the real terrorist threat is. He's an inventor too!<br />
<ul>
<li>Created an invisible shield device using satellite lasers that cloak objects in a small area. This shield also causes INSTANT DEATH to any sorry bastard that gets too close to it:</li>
</ul>
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<b>Inadvertently read Neil's script. </b></div>
<b> </b></div>
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Oh, you have 217 followers on Twitter? THAT AIN'T SHIT, SON!</div>
<ul style="text-align: left;">
<li>Has <b>direct contact </b>with world leaders. </li>
</ul>
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<b>Russian Security Secretary</b>: "President Putin, President Obama wishes to speak to you about our enclaves in Georgia."<br />
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<b>Putin</b>: "Fuck that <i>obezyana</i>! Tell him I'm busy!</div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
(<i>red phone rings on his desk and Putin reluctantly picks it up and places it to his ear</i>) </div>
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<b>Aaron</b>: "This is God Agent Brand. Listen up..."</div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
(<i>Putin instantly shits his pants</i>)</div>
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<div style="text-align: left;">
The fucking ego on this guy is staggering. He begins proselytizing about the "senseless" loss of military and civilian life without the slightest hint of irony, all the while bragging that:</div>
<ul style="text-align: left;">
<li>He can start AND end a war with his "electronic, satellite and computer skillz". </li>
</ul>
<div style="text-align: left;">
Let me pause a moment and put this into perspective. The running time has barely broken the eleven minute mark and Neil continues to indulge in this absurd gloating. I get it, he's a fucking super spy! Let's move this obnoxious tripe forward please! One other thing, Neil narrates the bulk of this film as if he took a handful of Xanax. Ready? RESUME SWAGGER CHECK:<br />
<ul>
<li>Aaron "specializes" in bio-terror missions throughout the world and is at the forefront of "new product". </li>
</ul>
Ya gotta test sensitive shit like this somewhere, right? Why not on a small pond just outside Vegas? Those ignorant refugees will never no what hit 'em! Yay Super Agent Hitler! It works successfully as Aaron lords triumphantly over several fish corpses littering the edge of the water. </div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
Aaron still hasn't gotten over the death of his fiancee whom he purports to have been in love with since they were both seven. In a rare moment of vulnerability, he claims that these memories of his childhood "haunt" him. Scenes of a young boy and girl are juxtapositioned between the now grown Aaron and whomever the very average looking woman he paid to act as his former flame. While he revels in the past, a mystery person arrives at his makeshift hobo town. So much for that invisible force field you invented, huh? Meanwhile, Aaron is hard at work:</div>
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<b>"HOW DO YOU TURN THESE DAMN THINGS ON!"</b></div>
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More generic footage of people working on functional computers as Aaron "informs them" that there was an error in the computation. An error? You? Surely, you jest! That's enough of all that and the fucking guy snooping around his campsite — let's get back to Aaron's dead girlfriend! There they were, nude in a Vegas pool when he finally popped the question: "Will you sign this nondisclosure statement?" Just as he was putting the ring fresh from the pawn store on her finger, THEY had one of those shitty, gumball machine quality laser pointers that was running out of battery life targeted on his temple. DO IT! Though it sat on Aaron's homely mug for half-an-hour, the shooter decides at the last second to point his mark instead on Aaron's thong-wearing fiancee's back. I can't describe the raw, powerful emotion of this tragic event that created the dark mercenary unleashed upon the world. Better to let you view it yourself:</div>
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Was the love of your life just murdered before your eyes or did you get stung by a bee? Just out of curiosity, Neil, could you have found an actress more reluctant to show her bare chest on film? Clearly, she was embarrassed — so, why have her film the scene topless? Come to think of it, why the fuck are YOU naked? I believe I have an inkling why which I will address later. After literally bathing in her own blood, Aaron decides to float face-down in the pool next to his deceased fiancee. Any point to that Neil, I mean besides flashing your bare ass to the camera? No attempt to save her or possibly call 911? Yep, love of your life. Moving on ...<br />
Aaron wakes up periodically on the side of the road next to his car with pleads for help written in blood. I'm not sure what this is supposed to imply each time he shows this besides the fact that Super Agent Z is an emotionally unstable lunatic with bouts of hallucinations. Glad the government shot his girlfriend instead! Time for an update:<br />
<ul>
<li>He's <i>constantly </i>changing his identity.</li>
</ul>
This arduous task is exhibited to the viewer unceremoniously by Aaron changing the rear license on his car with one of a handful of other Nevada plates. Ever think of changing out of your stale jeans and cutoff black t-shirt Zartan? </div>
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<b>Agent 1</b>: "Dammit, I lost Emperor Agent Superstar!"</div>
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<b>Agent 2</b>: "Cross reference the Nevada DMV database!"</div>
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<b>Agent 1</b>: "Have you gone mad, man? He can be as many as FIVE SEPARATE VEHICLES!" </div>
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You're makin' it too easy, Neil. He does indeed change into fitting attire more appropriate of a <strike>delusional real estate agent</strike> top notch spy and deadpans while driving the strip:</div>
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<i>"Las Vegas ... where anything goes. Enjoy it while you can. I'm about to end it all." </i></div>
</blockquote>
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One last time, Neil. I'm supposed to <i>empathize </i>somehow with this man? Aaron meets with a man outside of the Luxor hotel and begins a one-sided conversation. Another Neil Breen staple — dialogue scenes are shot individually. For all I know, the guy Aaron met with sprinted down the fucking block while he blankly recites his lines. Anyway, he tells the dude that he's glad to be working for the "agency" again (Century 21?) but is remiss to meet him in his office because he <b>knows</b> it's bugged as well as the "skeletons that are in there". Does he work in a <a href="http://elderscrolls.wikia.com/wiki/Draugr_%28Skyrim%29" target="_blank">Draugr crypt</a>? Now, it's the man's turn to speak while Aaron drifts off into oblivion. He tells Aaron that they haven't located "him" yet but they know he's near. This mystery man is "on the top of their list" and "he" will kill "anyone, anywhere" to advance his terrorist goals. Uh, I think the guy you're looking for is standing right in front of you. To stress how important this mission is, he drops this atom bomb:</div>
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Jeezus, did this guy just arrive off a fucking bus? "Excuse me sir, my name is Neil. Can you act a scene out with me real quick?" Agent Holier-Than-Thou takes this time to speechify to anyone in particular the merits of chemical-biological warfare over more mainstream methods of terrorism. There is nothing covert about this bloviating windbag. General Brand pontificates further on modern warfare as if this poor dope is a West Point cadet. The lesson over, Aaron walks away as his voice over questions the effectiveness of terrorist counterintelligence, leaving the audience clueless as to what exactly his mission is. Is the agency not aware that Brand is the terrorist? Perhaps Neil, you should have spent a little more time fleshing out the plot instead of useless exterior shots of Las Vegas and the hybrid blow-up fuck dolls that occupy it. Just a thought.<br />
The next morning he wakes from his roadside nap, taps a few keys on a dead laptop, flips open a phone that never rang and receives his gps directions. Brand <i>has</i> <i>to prepare</i> (emphasis his) for the "attack diversions" which he has begun in the "other cities". Whose fucking attack are you attempting to thwart? The only cocksucker that has been planning a biological terrorist outbreak for the last half hour is you! Holy fuck dude, do you even know where this is going because I certainly don't? He prowls the desert with both hands around a gun when he spots an old man settled in a rock. Brand's voice over expresses that the man doesn't look like a terrorist. So, you <i>are</i> looking for another bio-terrorist then? I've never been more confused about something so fucking simple to disclose to the audience. He sneaks up behind him when the old man attempts to leave when he trips over and smashes his head on a rock. Severely bloodied, Brand climbs down the rock to administer aid. Somehow "drawn to his spirit" Brand cradles the old man — whose head is now wound free — as holy music swells up to accompany the man's last breath. Just before he dies, the old man declares that he is "the one" and hands him a piece of what clearly is fool's gold. Aaron buries him beneath some desert rocks. America approves:<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjXzpzFNMe0hLL2B2BUNMHqcYLTmW7wHjAQEr21w7F-gQnU2KwH-p79vC-TVPs5J-OVbvLs4lPA9eYsZV-3dKlE4X_tGtbhO1ylfVgIwM5E7BwPSPXn0acGHGdXKObwxd3q8par83tRm49R/s1600/DD+eagle.PNG" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="193" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjXzpzFNMe0hLL2B2BUNMHqcYLTmW7wHjAQEr21w7F-gQnU2KwH-p79vC-TVPs5J-OVbvLs4lPA9eYsZV-3dKlE4X_tGtbhO1ylfVgIwM5E7BwPSPXn0acGHGdXKObwxd3q8par83tRm49R/s320/DD+eagle.PNG" width="320" /></a></div>
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<b>"A real estate agent put me in his what? Call my lawyer."</b></div>
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Is this a thing in Vegas? Do geriatrics wander off into the desert to lounge on rocks like it's one big IKEA store? Brand claims to be the spirit of the departed geezer and pleads his case to the eagle. Neil, he's just as baffled as we are. <b> </b></div>
Next morning, same shit: wake up next to car, blood stains, bitch about being alone, pretend to be a competent actor/director/producer... Brand's sanity unravels further as he calls out aimlessly for someone and has a nice riverside chat with his dead parents. A traumatized family too scared to have Aaron removed from their dinner table are held captive as Brand reveals how an authentic spy operates. Where in your training do they instruct you to inform any life form within a mile radius that you're a government spy? Aaron asks a young girl seated at his table to refill his water glass even though it's about 3/4 full. While she's gone the uh, father? (a little help here, Neil) tells him that his daughter, Megan has brain cancer. Way to kill the mood, dad! With zero humility, Aaron places his left hand on to Megan's head in a Christlike manner while holding the fool's gold in his right. He runs off into the desert to apprise his deceased fiancee that he believes he cured Megan's cancer. The fucking balls on this guy!<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg6cFF8LUHdPhK8aje24NYU5k0lbpI0_CnYyaw9Kb3HozMwP3OmdhcxV4joKYRCueBmKUBjJOsJi9y0kdcmRUV7VVgrgPfnL92dde-aMY4r9-K742vO_AUbJ4wkJpzWbT5d2oWmra1sOTpH/s1600/DD+cancer.PNG" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="183" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg6cFF8LUHdPhK8aje24NYU5k0lbpI0_CnYyaw9Kb3HozMwP3OmdhcxV4joKYRCueBmKUBjJOsJi9y0kdcmRUV7VVgrgPfnL92dde-aMY4r9-K742vO_AUbJ4wkJpzWbT5d2oWmra1sOTpH/s320/DD+cancer.PNG" width="320" /></a></div>
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<b>"...and that's why some adults pay for companionship."</b></div>
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His dead girlfriend tells him to pull the reigns back on that whole "I can heal anyone" jive. </div>
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Aaron is fast at work mimicking a competent person who knows what the fuck they're doing. He notifies someone over the phone that the filters are active. More stock footage gives the appearance that people give a shit. Somewhere, a transaction takes place as one unidentified individual receives what looks like a kilo of cocaine. The clumsy shit drops it on the ground releasing some of its powdery content. As the hand goes to pick it up, suddenly Aaron's voice breaks in like he's doing color commentary at a sporting event and tells the mystery person that airborne anthrax is lethal if inhaled. Who the fuck would be dumb enough to transport anthrax around like it's a prop from a Cheech & Chong movie? </div>
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I'm really struggling here. This fucking mess wanders in more directions than a blind drunk with dementia. Aaron meets with two men in the parking lot of a strip mall when he directs them to walk further away for fear of surveillance. Just as they do that the world's most obvious spy (typical woman) places a tracer on Brand's car by slamming her shopping cart into it. The results are pure brilliance:</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhaWJ4uHtLaiL-Fo_gmaXdQ6fAimYwBuulxKqCaDpds1M_lfYC9M9o3Nmf0mzoARQyIrnoKzluIipXFX7hohVyNRFgRFKz8p94UwuRPOS9G99cMhInrrm0Tjpp63-3KDlKoKndvJH-yLurf/s1600/DD+spy.PNG" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="180" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhaWJ4uHtLaiL-Fo_gmaXdQ6fAimYwBuulxKqCaDpds1M_lfYC9M9o3Nmf0mzoARQyIrnoKzluIipXFX7hohVyNRFgRFKz8p94UwuRPOS9G99cMhInrrm0Tjpp63-3KDlKoKndvJH-yLurf/s320/DD+spy.PNG" width="320" /></a></div>
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<b>Where did it go? I can barely see it!</b></div>
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Yeah, that's goddamn chewing gum. Another super spy (women, amiright?) hangs out of the window of her car recording the whole thing with a large camera like she's Stanley Kubrick. One of the gentlemen seems interested in Aaron's "quest" and wants to know more about this quest and won't stop saying quest until his quest for knowledge is satiated. Brand brushes this aside and gets to what really matters — his list of otherworldly skills he can offer:</div>
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<li>Cryptography </li>
<li>Hacking into a banking system</li>
<li>Shutting down a power grid in a <b>major city</b> (Sorry, villages and townships)</li>
<li>Cutting off the water system for half the country </li>
<li>Hacking the stock market</li>
<li>Closing down a bank</li>
<li>Fixing an election (Goddamn you Bush!)</li>
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This is Brand's version of "network-centric warfare". Sadly, all that is required of him is an assassination. How can you waste this man's talent you insolent asshole! The target, like the plot for this film, is undefined. Aaron and the gentlemen return to their vehicles when the woman recording the meeting is shot in the temple. Nobody notices even though she was shot only a few feet away. Brand pulls into an empty lot and removes the <strike>gum</strike> tracking device from his bumper. </div>
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For the sake of my sanity, I'm going to give you the cliff notes version of this fucking travesty.</div>
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<li>The "greatest agent ever" kidnaps the wrong couple whom he was supposed to kill. When he finds his actual target at the lake they both chose instead to commit suicide because "they knew what was coming". Seriously, Neil? </li>
<li>He releases the anthrax: </li>
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<li> Hires special agent hooker (who demands his massive cock afterwards) for a whopping $100 to distract a man with the most fake goatee in the universe so he can tranquilize him. Agent Floozy is shot in the head as thanks.</li>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg0B7Gksg-PjF2jsJ_t0sV_62S-PPtELG332OUzFXsI_CBkHuuHot3NsLG4JAEZqNcJLiaqHCqjkoG_TWu57ywaHyhXIAI_OTLuIUHvmLQOKAUK95rZqoPB4J43m0TDbqOT30ekEn5LJMmr/s1600/DD+fake.PNG" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="186" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg0B7Gksg-PjF2jsJ_t0sV_62S-PPtELG332OUzFXsI_CBkHuuHot3NsLG4JAEZqNcJLiaqHCqjkoG_TWu57ywaHyhXIAI_OTLuIUHvmLQOKAUK95rZqoPB4J43m0TDbqOT30ekEn5LJMmr/s320/DD+fake.PNG" width="320" /></a></div>
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<b>"So, this guy is like ... Just keep it on and get in the car!"</b></div>
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<iframe allowfullscreen='allowfullscreen' webkitallowfullscreen='webkitallowfullscreen' mozallowfullscreen='mozallowfullscreen' width='320' height='266' src='https://www.blogger.com/video.g?token=AD6v5dyOm5qgcdNr2BGib_c4_45-5c946HsR2Xrlh84FH6rQydAryzBGNemjBqHKB-8buMtbabnOD2hzGl26i8hrqw' class='b-hbp-video b-uploaded' frameborder='0'></iframe></div>
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Aaron is finally ready to carry out his attack on Vegas as well as several other cities. Suddenly, he's out in the desert having a bloody shootout with absolutely no one. You didn't misread that. There isn't a single person onscreen except for some rifles positioned on rock and here comes Yosemite Sam with his cartoonish gunfire sound effect, blasting away at imaginary foes. After emerging victorious from his single-man battle, he dons this patriotic ensemble: <br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgG-9UAvkhQbZkU1qzn6sp6nRa0HFpxOzuiKY7ROG5xqi6YbB27iegVOsPVx04TDkPVKLOYN3VqF9bXcw0O-QMFVtfP46RREi1Z5ihyfvKJTVd1zi9J5KLBE8m0f48IpwvR7BSJBBs2id83/s1600/DD+medals.PNG" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="192" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgG-9UAvkhQbZkU1qzn6sp6nRa0HFpxOzuiKY7ROG5xqi6YbB27iegVOsPVx04TDkPVKLOYN3VqF9bXcw0O-QMFVtfP46RREi1Z5ihyfvKJTVd1zi9J5KLBE8m0f48IpwvR7BSJBBs2id83/s320/DD+medals.PNG" width="320" /></a></div>
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<b>"Just pin that medal on my 80's Gap jacket, General."</b></div>
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Do I even have to mention that he's been awarded <i>every</i> medal? He lists them in case you were wondering. What about the Presidential Narcissism Award for most padded resume? </div>
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After at bunch of unnecessary bullshit that is heaped on to this pile of hot garbage he decides to stop his own attack. I cannot properly describe what transpires so here is the scene in its entirety:</div>
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If you, the reader, have never watched a single second of this movie except for the clip above you have exactly the same amount of clarity as to what the hell is going on as I do. Those guys shooting at each other? No fucking clue! The procedures used to actually stop the attack? I didn't see any, did you? All it took was a phone call and some old fuckers telling the wind to go to Code Orange? Fuck you Breen you fucking lazy hack! Even Tommy Wiseau is aware that <i>The Room</i> is a piece of shit but it's a piece of shit that has made him semi-famous. You fling your crap at the wall, call it art and have the gall to get on your high horse when anyone disparages it! You are the most talentless, narcissistic, jeremiad in film history! You make Ed Wood look like Christopher Nolan. I can give a camera to the fucking bums on Lower Wacker and they could come up with something more coherent than this psuedo-metaphysical one-man-circlejerk! Do the world a favor and take whatever money you put aside fleecing the imbeciles that reside in the Vegas housing market and go and see a psychologist. Tell them that you are a homely man with too much money and you use it to edit patchwork clips together to make desperate woman pretend to find you attractive. Oh, I see someone has touched on that subject <a href="https://thedissolve.com/features/exposition/625-bad-movie-lovers-need-to-meet-neil-breen/" target="_blank">here</a>! Judging by the other abominations you've captured on film, <i>I Am Here...Now</i> and <i>Fateful Findings </i>it's clear that these are merely vehicles for you to showcase your massive ego and lack of understanding of even the basics of film making. For the sake of us both, please return to your day job. </div>
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Zeehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17449809623201999845noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2442264192174795249.post-27885837477527623762015-07-14T21:10:00.000-05:002015-07-15T19:00:26.636-05:00Satan's Mistress (1982) <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgn7QGOlHgoqnk1rDWFBhw2Y9Y3SwPxBc4_66p5H6tkpEVI4Ul93cB2FRx6wxic1oLucaU4vu7nQ7nGjXU-Gjg_CfYvkMCGxLVyxu8cK2AYK6leE1M73z3RkGSW-DHo3YoI2SVJYeLSBPsR/s1600/Dark+Eyes.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="239" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgn7QGOlHgoqnk1rDWFBhw2Y9Y3SwPxBc4_66p5H6tkpEVI4Ul93cB2FRx6wxic1oLucaU4vu7nQ7nGjXU-Gjg_CfYvkMCGxLVyxu8cK2AYK6leE1M73z3RkGSW-DHo3YoI2SVJYeLSBPsR/s320/Dark+Eyes.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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Yeah, I know the screen cap above doesn't match. This motherfucker has more names listed than a phone book. The original U.S. title release was <i>Satan's Mistress</i>, however, when this was released on home video it went by <i>Dark Eyes</i>, as seen above, as well as <i>Fury of the Succubus</i>, <i>Incubus</i>, <i>Demon Rage</i> and lately on DVD the shoddily retitled <i>Demon Seed</i>:<br />
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<b>The Jaden Smith story.</b><br />
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This last one is rather perplexing considering <i>Demon Seed</i> was a 1977 film adaptation of Dean Koontz's novel about a supercomputer that wants to upload his genetically engineered cyberspunk onto a captive woman's hard drive. To be blunt, the only title that would be an accurate representation of this film would be <i>House of Floppy Tits</i>. Which brings me to my next point...</div>
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<b> </b>Lana Wood is the beautiful younger sister of the late Natalie Wood. She is forever known as Bond girl Plenty O'Toole in <i>Diamonds Are Forever</i>. Just take a look at how scrumptious she looked:</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgHXjiTHkveRSPEM1k7EJfbXIiLP1QPud8RNlLdBmkAg9Q84KMoEgyQYqSiMKypZBEXH_z93Q-G-I2R-Ll47DEeDC7SqG6Pl9AW5LbNmhiOc6Vd-WRviqz19Jw49MyO4C8ZVY5xHonnFXJA/s1600/Lana+Wood+Plenty.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgHXjiTHkveRSPEM1k7EJfbXIiLP1QPud8RNlLdBmkAg9Q84KMoEgyQYqSiMKypZBEXH_z93Q-G-I2R-Ll47DEeDC7SqG6Pl9AW5LbNmhiOc6Vd-WRviqz19Jw49MyO4C8ZVY5xHonnFXJA/s320/Lana+Wood+Plenty.jpg" width="280" /></a></div>
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<b>Boner. Giant Boner.</b><br />
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Lana was 25 years old and fresh out of the pages of Playboy when she scored that role in 1971. I did a little "research" and her bosom was as wonderful as you would expect, sans clothing. Alas, time and gravity yields to no one and by the time filming for <i>Satan's Mistress</i> began in 1978 (it was shelved for four years) Lana's voluptuous assets lost a noticeable amount of fullness. The reason for my pseudo-clinical scrutiny of Lana's gifts to man is simply because she's frequently naked in this movie and it's better to address this here and now rather than scene-by-scene. Offhand, I think it's close to a 50/50 split in terms of her nude and clothed scenes. For the record, I have fared no better since I was a svelte 25 year old deadbeat begging for change before the tollway entrance. <br />
Our film begins on a Californian beach where Lisa (Wood) is being chased by a rather ominous looking individual clad entirely in black. The scene plays out in slow-motion as Lisa desperately tries to A.) flee her pursuer and B.) try to contain her breasts inside her nightgown. She fails miserably on both tasks as she turns a corner and comes face to face with this:<br />
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<b>"Would you be interested in an issue of The Watchtower?"</b></div>
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Lisa awakens from this bad dream screaming. Her daughter, Michelle, calms her down and remarks that this is the second time this week she has done this. She asks for her husband who is about to begin his normal routine of going for a morning swim. It's made painfully obvious that Lisa's relationship with her architect husband Burt has become sexually distance since moving into their beachfront house. An offer for some post-lap trim is firmly rejected by Burt, who calls her a "pushy bitch" making their dinner party with Carl and Ann-Marie (Britt Ekland — another former Bond girl ) rather awkward. Just before all that, the film tries to imply that this was based on a true story if by "true" you mean "total bullshit": </div>
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<b>Lifetime Movies Presents: <i>My Ghost, My Secret Lover</i></b><br />
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This movie ain't finished droppin' knowledge like 100-pound dumbbells as it mentions a "growing belief" within the world of psychic phenomena (a bunch of yahoos that gather in a banquet room at the Holiday Inn once a month) tenuously linking lonely individuals and the supernatural<b>. </b>During one of her morning flashbacks when Carl and her were more intimate she is mysteriously beckoned to the guest bedroom. She begins to disrobe when this appears:<br />
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The fuck is that supposed to be? The ghost of Grimace's dick? Whomever it is gives Lisa a proper screwing complete with waves crashing onto shore as she orgasms in lust. This euphemism is employed more than once during the course of the film. <br />
Their evening dinner with Carl and Ann-Marie doesn't ease any tensions as Carl remarks, rather inappropriately, about Lisa's post-coital glow. He then digs the deepest grave in husband history by traveling down the deadly "if you were <i>my</i> wife" road while his significant other sits a few feet away. Ann-Marie's "aww shucks" attitude is the only thing that saves his stupid ass from having his dick cut off later that evening. Carl makes a crack about his wife's vocation and it's brought to our attention that she's a psychic investigator. How convenient. Carl finally shuts his trap when a black cat enters their dining room. Every time they show this fucking cat the movie plays this annoying sound effect which I can only describe as a cat being thrown from a roof. It's pretty goddamn annoying. Ann-Marie immediately "senses" that the cat is male and warns Lisa that he is dangerous. Michelle, trying to take the cat away is scratched and almost mortally wounded:<br />
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<b>FINISH HER!</b></div>
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I shit you not, she sheds more blood than Dracula on a bender. Later that evening, Lisa experiences another phantom climax while sharing the bed with her clueless husband. An apparition watches her spasm in ecstasy: </div>
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<b>Cuckold the Voyeur Ghost</b><br />
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<b> </b>Michelle believes that the house they live in has something to do with the growing animosity between Burt and Lisa. As she leaves for school she notices blood streaming from the eye of a statue which disappears a moment later. Lisa is rinsing her milk pillows in the shower when she comes face to face with the ghost pictured above. She falls to the floor experiencing another earth-shattering orgasm. Can you let her catch her breath for a moment nympho ghost? Later that evening Burt notices that Lisa has moved her clothes out of their bedroom. Michelle tells him that she moved into the "empty room" which didn't look empty to me. Burt stomps off and Michelle looks into the flames of the fireplace and a pissed off nympho ghost giving her the "don't fuck this up for me" death stare. Burt, looking to challenge Carl for "worst husband ever" confronts Lisa and uses as his tactics a heavy dose of mocking, insults and physical hostility. Surprisingly, Lisa doesn't respond to it. He marches out of the room, stops to reconsider, then tries to reenter it but is locked out thanks to nympho ghost. Your cock has been officially blocked, sir. He gazes at his hand and it's covered in blood that quite probably came dripping from Lisa's aching vagina. A second later his hand is clean. </div>
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The fucking black cat appears in the basement along with a shadowy figure lurking there. A guillotine's blade is raised. Why in the fuck would anyone have a functioning guillotine in their basement? Was this a fad in California in the late seventies? "Hey man, come on down to my pad and let me show you my medieval torture rack!" Far out. Nympho ghost, tired of incorporeal foreplay, enters Lisa's bedroom in the flesh and blood:</div>
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<b>"Call animal control 'cuz I'm about to pound your pussy."</b></div>
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<b> </b>You get the gist where this is going. The "spirit" as it's titled in the cast, Kabir Bedi, would go on to star in <i>Octopussy</i> making him the third actor in this movie with ties to the James Bond films. Lisa's moans echo throughout the house as the spirit makes love to her. Yeah, I meant to write "makes love" instead of one of my more profane descriptions. This guy is like a <span class="st" data-hveid="51">cliché of every sex article in Cosmopolitan magazine. Make That Ghost In Your Life DESIRE You! Good grief. While Lisa is waking the neighbors with her inappropriate howling, a young woman dressed like she should be selling sausages for Hickory Farms approaches their house from the beach. The following morning she appears in the basement and lures Burt down there. Burt doesn't seemed shocked that there are suits of armor and said guillotine stored below. One of the suits topples over, nearly chopping him with the halberd that was in its hand. </span></div>
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<span class="st" data-hveid="51"> By now, Lisa has completely withdrawn from her family and Michelle feels more isolated than ever. Burt confides with Ann-Marie over a bottle of wine (you sly dog, you!) and every time she replies to him she slowly strokes him from the shoulder down. Most vulnerable men are going to interpret that kind of contact in a certain way, especially how she does it! She has a "hunch" as to what is happening but she needs to do some "checking" before she can explain it. She leans in again, grabs Burt's arm and asks point blank if they are making love. Before he can answer it cuts to this:</span></div>
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<b>I'm gonna go ahead and mark you down as "no".</b><br />
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<b> </b>Burt returns home and confronts Lisa about the constant moaning which she explains away as a vivid fantasy. No longer fearing her having an affair, he sweeps her off her feet and takes her to the bedroom. As they make love, the spirit watches in anguish. He assumes the form of the fucking black cat and returns to the basement where the young woman in the goofy dress is laughing at him mockingly. The spirit glances over his shoulder and looks at whatever the fuck this is:</div>
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<b>Your guess is as good as mine.</b><br />
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I have not the faintest clue as to what that's supposed to be nor do I care at this point. The woman tells the spirit that "the woman will cost you your soul" and that he's a fool. Whatever that goddamn thing is supposed to be pulsates and throbs grotesquely. Is it a demonic eye? Help me out here movie!</div>
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<b> </b>Michelle is walking the beach when she encounters the young mystery woman leaning under the pier. She introduces herself as Belline and adds that she shares her name with an angel that left heaven to go with Lucifer. Belline tells her that the devil has won another soul and that he must fulfill his promise. Michelle, obviously creeped out, tells her she has to go. </div>
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The power of the penis compels you! Things seemed to have returned to normal since Burt did his husbandly duty with Lisa. The lovey-dovey atmosphere is interrupted when Michelle cuts her finger with a knife and proceeds to lose about a gallon of blood. Lisa thinks it's the cat scratch from before reopened when she feels an ominous presence wafting through the house. The cut disappears and Lisa implores Burt to take her to school. She knows exactly who is responsible for the cut and in the silliest scene in this entire goddamn movie it's confirmed:</div>
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Are you serious? Brooding in a rocker like a scorned lover? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I simply cannot take this movie seriously anymore. Lisa calls over Ann-Marie for a hot tub summit but not before our jilted lover knocks over a picture of the couple, breaking it. You're a fucking ghost! I'm sure there's plenty of single ladies just up the coast you can engage in a sexually possessive relationship with! Back in the tub, Lisa tells Ann-Marie how scared she is and just before she can give her any details, the spirit — in annoying cat mode — makes the water boiling hot. The ladies escape with the help of Burt and Lisa confronts the spirit, still pouting in his rocker, as to why he's doing this. He gets up, embraces her and... Burt, your wife's a whore. Michelle lies in bed that evening when she hears Belline's voice telling her that she will help them. A vision is shown for a few minutes but the dream effect applied to the scenes is so overwhelming that I can't even guess as to what is transpiring. </div>
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<span class="st" data-hveid="51"> Lisa, once again, has withdrawn from Burt and Michelle. Belline returns to Michelle's bedside to talk shit about her old man. Seriously, what was the deal with this stupid costume? Does this strike you as befitting a fallen angel?</span><br />
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<span class="st" data-hveid="51"><b> "We have a demonic selection of jellies and jams!"</b></span></div>
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<span class="st" data-hveid="51">That same evening Ann-Marie creeps into Burt's bed and begins to seduce him as Lisa and a sneering spirit watch. She claws into his back, drawing blood and simultaneously waking Burt up from the dream. The following morning Ann-Marie arrives with Carl and has completed her "checking". She tells Lisa that there have been many cases of both men and women having "spirit lovers". So, the first credible theory that came to mind when Burt confided his marital problems to her is a paranormal relationship with a horny apparition? I can't even imagine the chasm of doubt you would have to leap over like Evel Knievel in order to arrive at that conclusion. She summarizes to Lisa that some spirits get lonely while they wait either reincarnation, or their ultimate destiny (heaven or hell) and seek out vulnerable people in the physical world so they can feel alive again. Also, this waiting period seems to be prime recruiting grounds for evil forces looking to expand their ranks by luring wayward spirits with claims that they can end their loneliness. Lisa is the spirit's temptation. You follow all that? Back at the house, Michelle is making a sandwich for Carl when the power goes out. He gets a flashlight and they go down to the basement to have a look at the circuit breaker where Belline is waiting for them. The pair get locked inside when Carl shines his light on a pair of feet that start walking towards him. He stumbles away and sees the pulsating eye thing whateverthefuck and falls back — locking his head into the guillotine. The blade drops and we're spared of anymore of his tiring wisecracks. The lights turn back on and Michelle realizes what just happened:</span><br />
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<span class="st" data-hveid="51"><b> </b></span></div>
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<b>"Why does dad own all this leather?"</b></div>
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<b> </b></div>
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<b> </b>Lisa and Ann-Marie return to find the kitchen empty. Burt and the ladies check the basement and find Michelle amongst the grisly scene. The police arrive and a clueless detective is stumped. It's just your standard accidental death by guillotine, officer. Before the ambulance takes a distraught Ann-Marie away she implores Burt to leave the house before they get him and take Lisa. The paramedic yells "let's get moving" as if they have time to reattach Carl's head and save his life. That evening, the spirit and Lisa commence round two of "let's fuck with Burt in his sleep" by threatening him with having his dick cut off. He rushes off to the bedroom where Lisa and Michelle are safely on the bed, curled up and holding each other tight.</div>
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At the funeral, Burt consoles Ann-Marie who again advises him to leave the house. She tells him about a priest, Father Stratten, who works with her psychic group and before Burt dismisses the notion of the devil tempting his wife, Stratten himself interjects:</div>
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<b>"Where's a bank? I need to cash this check ASAP!"</b></div>
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<b> </b></div>
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God bless John Carradine and everything he's done but is there any role he's ever declined? Stratten reiterates the same bullshit theory Ann-Marie told Lisa before. The spirit needs Lisa to submit to him completely to end his loneliness. Why not kill Burt then instead of Carl? There would be nothing stopping him afterwards. Stratten warns Burt to ignore their illusions and to not doubt the awesome strength of God for even for a moment. </div>
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<b> </b>Back at the house (Why weren't they at Carl's funeral?) Michelle has a vision of Belline burying her up to her neck in sand so they can be friends forever. Not much longer, just hang in there! The spirit appears, kneels before Lisa with his hands open, ready for her to join him. Burt and Ann-Marie return to the house and find Michelle sitting crossed legged on her bed, hypnotized with a cheesy red eye glow for added effect. Stratten's warning went in one ear and out the other because as soon as Burt sees Michelle's likeness calling out to him from a roaring fireplace the idiot practically dives in trying to save her. Luckily, Ann-Marie saves his dumbass. They head to the basement where the spirit and Lisa are holding each other on the opposite side of a large fire while other spirits paw at the new arrivals. Belline taunts Ann-Marie with the decapitated head of Carl and she freaks out, setting herself on fire. Now, it's Burt's turn to remind someone about illusions. Lisa sees a copy of her on the other side of the basement. The mystery man chasing her during the opening of the film appears again, snatches off her neglige and has his way with her. Burt sees that the spirit doesn't like it one bit and uses this opportunity to tell him that they would never let him be with Lisa even if she wanted to. The spirit glances at the demonic eye/evil omelet, kisses Lisa's hand gently and walks into the fire while Belline cackles like the annoying cunt she is. Burt grabs Lisa and drags her out of the basement which is totally engulfed in flames.<br />
Now free of the battle for the spirit's soul, the family is out for a swim at the beach. Burt and Michelle play Frisbee amongst the waves while an emotionless Lisa sunbathes. After kissing his wife on the forehead, Burt and Michelle head out into the water and dive under an incoming wave only to never reemerge again. The picture then zooms in on Lisa's face:<br />
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<b>Sure her vagina isn't glowing red too?</b></div>
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<b> </b>You had the makings of something original here and instead director James Polakof (responsible for the insipid, trail-rape film retitled <i>Slashed Dreams</i>) turns this into a banal soap opera centered around Wood's pillow tits. Why in the fuck would the devil need to turn into a pimp for bachelor ghosts in order to lure spirits to his side? This seems like a lot of work. Did he give all prospective phantoms a questionnaire about their ideal mate? Seems to me he can take what he wants at will. Speaking of at will, Lana Wood sheds her clothing whenever possible and what is her thanks for it? Britt Ekland gets top billing. The fuck is that all about? Did she have platinum tits we weren't allow to see? Anyway, if you're looking for a better film about sex and spirits then let me suggest you watch <i>The Entity</i> starring Barbara Hershey which was released in the theaters a year after this debuted on video. The only other film that I can think of that covers apparitions and rape is <i>Ghost Dad</i> and that's only enjoyable after a few drinks. </div>
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Zeehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17449809623201999845noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2442264192174795249.post-58992553086915261112015-06-12T16:03:00.001-05:002015-06-18T13:59:54.755-05:00Satan's Cheerleaders (1977)<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Why would God's adversary need cheerleaders? While you ponder that thimble deep query let me address this misleading title. Yes, there are cheerleaders — a whopping four of them in fact. No, they are not aligned with nor affiliated in any way to the theological enemy of all humanity. If you were expecting a campy romp used as an excuse to get young, pretty actresses to disrobe, you'll be left limper than Rock Hudson was in <i>Pretty Maids All in a Row</i>. After sitting down and watching it, I still have no clue what director Greydon Clark — responsible for one of MST3K's most famous episodes, <i>Angels' Brigade</i> — was trying to accomplish as there seems to be two completely different types of movies presented here that eventually collide together like two shopping carts in Wal-Mart's chip aisle.<br />
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Benedict High School must be suffering severe budget cuts. Why do I infer this? Because their varsity cheerleading squad has only four members that appear to be well into their late twenties. Our gang of gaiety girls is lead by perky blonde Patti (who comprises the bulk of the nudity quotient) along with tall and sexy Sharon, (whose ample rack we never get to see) quiet, pigtailed brunette Chris and the comically promiscuous Debbie. Our heroines are constantly shadowed by their either criminally naive or possibly slightly retarded coach, Ms. Johnson played by Greydon Clark's wife Jacqueline Cole. Our heroines gather at the beach for practice:<br />
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<b>"Perhaps you should try it without your tops."</b></div>
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What follows is a mind-numbingly monotonous beach grab-ass montage where the cheerleaders and a couple of the "teenage football players" engage in a battle of who can cram the most sexual innuendo into every sentence they speak. The tacky disco music only makes it worse:</div>
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If I had a time machine, the first thing I would do — after throwing a rock at a dinosaur — would be to travel back to late 70's California and inundate sexy-as-hell Sharon with obscene propositions until she had sex with me. Good lord woman! Are you on Tinder? Oh wait ... where was I again? Yeah, the beach. The shenanigans continue as the football coach laments over Steve, his quarterback, getting enough fluids before burying his beach balls in Debbie's low tide. Patti, sitting alone, has a foreboding sense that "something is going to happen". Care to extrapolate on that a little? Just when I think this scene is finally going to end, a group from Baker High School arrive:</div>
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<b>"Well, OUR school is more ethnically diverse than yours!"</b></div>
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The blonde Baker student is played by Robin Greer, who was a friend to Nicole Brown Simpson before she was <strike>murdered by her husband</strike> assassinated by a squad of ninjas. They settle the land dispute the same way Caucasians have been in affluent neighborhoods nationwide. By chicken fighting. I'll spare you the details of this epic battle and just tell you that Benedict High wins thanks to curvy Sharon. I wouldn't skimp on a 4-hour nap. She gets the jacuzzi suite for the whole night! I ain't fuckin' around! Sorry, gotta focus. Baker High swears to toilet paper their campus in retaliation for this humiliating loss.<br />
It's finally time to introduce some satanists! A dark ceremony is taking place and ... look! It's Yvonne De Carlo from <i>The Munsters</i>! Yvonne is Emmy, a satanic high priestess, who gives some stuttering jackoff the "blood of darkness" to drink in exchange for Satan's help in punishing those that mock him — mainly, his stutter. The man who is seeking revenge via the living incarnation of all that is evil is Billy, a rotund, mustachioed janitor at Benedict High. That seems kinda petty to ask Satan to take time out of his busy day of damning souls to the pits of Hades for eternity just to smack around a couple of snotty teenagers that think you're a fucking creep. Anyway, he downs the concoction and has this pendant draped around his neck:<br />
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<b>Uh, you're doing it wrong.</b></div>
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What fucking scab satanists are these guys? Anyone who's dabbled in the black arts — it was my major in community college — knows that satanic pentagrams always should be pointing <b>downward</b>! The goat head anyone? </div>
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So much for Ol' Scratch helpin' a brotha out because no sooner than after quaffing the demonic drink does Billy get stuck cleaning the aftermath of Baker High's TP-ing. He pauses to watch the cheerleaders practice while three of the football players — in street clothing — practice. You have the black guy at center and Steve at running back? Does Greydon think he's directing science fiction now? The fucking coach just called him his quarterback a few minutes ago. Get your football positions straight Clark! DO NOT FUCK WITH ME ON THIS! Steve flops in front of the cheerleaders inciting another letters-to-Penthouse scenario where all the girls suddenly believe his pecker has Godlike powers. Sharon is looking particularly yummy wearing a red jersey:</div>
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<b>Lookin' for 10? I can only offer <strike>five</strike> <strike>6 1/2</strike> I mean, 8!</b></div>
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Billy breaks up the faux orgy and threatens to tell the coach. Steve snaps back that the coach won't keep his job as long as he doesn't play. No play, no game, no cheerleaders. You get the point. Billy chides them for their derision and waddles off as the girls giggle at his hasty retreat. In all honesty, they were being assholes to the poor shlub. I'm actually gonna side with the satanist at this particular moment. Ms. Johnson arrives in time to witness Baker High take a victory ride onto the football field in a Cadillac that looks like it was taken from Bishop Don "Magic" Juan. A fight ensues. Water balloons are employed liberally. Wet t-shirts? None. The football coach breaks it up and suspends Steve. Ms. Johnson promises to talk to the coach and tells her girls to get ready for the game. </div>
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Shower time! How many schmucks waited in the theater with their pants around their ankles for this moment? Ms. Johnson and the girls enter the locker room where Billy is suspiciously loitering in front of. Take titillating and remove the tit. A couple of bare bottoms are offered save for Patti:<br />
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<b>You, my dear, have "star" potential!</b></div>
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Just outside, Billy is rubbing his pentagram necklace — which he brazenly displays — in a very inappropriate way while repeating in Latin, "Audi preces mea, Satana. Blessed be." He makes his way to an auxiliary closet and opens a vent that allows him peer into the girls' shower. Did I say peer? I mean gawk through the most obvious peephole in pervert history!<br />
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<b>"Subtlety is for Christians!"</b></div>
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How the ladies don't immediately see his goofy mug grinning back at them is beyond me. The disappointing shower scene ends with nary a peek at Sharon's beatific glory. This is not the proper format to withhold such things, my dear! Sophomoric hijinks aside, the girls are finally dressed for the game. Each uniform has their personal name printed across their breasts. Billy uses this opportunity to sneak back into the locker room and "enchant" Patti's tube top with his pentagram like Wizzo the Wizard did on <i>Bozo's Circus</i>. He's caught in the act by Steve and his friends who insist on calling him a "pre-vert". Billy, backed into a corner, rubs his pentagram in shame. </div>
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Ms. Johnson drives the cheerleaders in her station wagon unbeknownst that Billy is following close behind — yes, rubbing his fucking pentagram. Somehow he creates a vague, near collision between the wagon and those assholes from Baker High in the green Caddy. With their vehicle stalled off the road the girls attempt to hitchhike a ride to the game. Billy pulls up in his hatchback pickup and offers a lift. Not able to contain himself, he lifts Patti onto the back by the ass and gloats that they are "going to get it" and that Patti will be the first. Since Clark has decided to make his female leads imbeciles, they willingly accept to be transported by this creep who expressed loud and clear his beastly intentions for the girls. Billy pulls onto a dirt road and informs the dumbest of them all — Ms. Johnson — that he's the boss. He grabs her boob in celebration. I stare at the running time. There's still an hour left to this son of a bitch? The truck suddenly loses the ability to brake and when Billy finally gets it to stop the clueless girls and Ms. Johnson pile out. While they mock a clearly deranged kidnapper, Patti is pulled toward a statue that she immediately starts to disrobe in front of:</div>
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<b>The demonic panty dropper in its natural habitat.</b></div>
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She lies naked on an altar and begins to experience a supernatural orgasm when Billy assumes that this is his opportunity to "get even" with her. The wind kicks up and a cheesy red flash effect pushes the slovenly satanist away from her. Satanic cock block! Billy whines that she was promised to him. You mean he reneged on your deal? It's as if this Satan character is the father of lies! Somebody should look in to that. Not wanting to be denied some young trim, Billy goes back in for another shot but is rejected just the same. Satan lets him know he ain't sharing and chokes him Vader style:</div>
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<b>At least he died with dignity.</b></div>
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Ms. Johnson and the girls — despite witnessing everything that happened a few feet away — ask Patti why is she naked and if Billy did anything to her. His body lies on the ground like a beached whale. They all pile into the truck and travel down the main street when Ms. Johnson decides to ask a bum (John Carradine, slumming for a check — again.) collecting cans along the side of the road if he can direct them to the Sheriff's office. Money exchanges hands and the ladies are off to the Sheriff, but not before some of the cheerleaders make some ageist remarks to the ancient actor. <br />
They arrive in the small town of Nether where satanism is publicly flaunted:<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEix5BemUiDHrjzrY3Y2IElMTaGr7b8jO72GpAnE6xTjjErtKonkwIBuvCh-VuHQW-JB4jYOrhXQfFd9N81N6yRFV6I4eTUM7WE_stuqn4_Ogo16Qo-G_EPzulqOnHUY4-JFrE8rBY5LrUTv/s1600/SC+sign.PNG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="245" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEix5BemUiDHrjzrY3Y2IElMTaGr7b8jO72GpAnE6xTjjErtKonkwIBuvCh-VuHQW-JB4jYOrhXQfFd9N81N6yRFV6I4eTUM7WE_stuqn4_Ogo16Qo-G_EPzulqOnHUY4-JFrE8rBY5LrUTv/s320/SC+sign.PNG" width="320" /></a></div>
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<b>Yes, I fuckin' get it Clark!</b></div>
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Sheriff Bubb (long time actor John Ireland) is waiting outside his home/office when the ladies arrive. They step into his house when Bubb seems to take an interest in Patti. Later, Emmy (De Carlo) the Sheriff's wife greets the women and also takes an unnatural shining to Patti. Emmy says something to her in Latin and Patti, clearly able to understand, replies that she feels fine. Nobody else bats an eye at this bizarre exchange. </div>
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Bubb finds Billy unconscious on the altar that Patti was laying on in the nude. I guess he woke up, climbed onto it and passed out again. Bubb wakes him up and the groggy janitor immediately attacks the Sheriff for taking away his satanic poon that was promised him. Bubb is putting up with none of his bullshit:</div>
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After that demonic drubbing, Bubb hoists his fatass over his shoulders and chucks him down a steep hill yelling "Geronimo" when his corpse finally comes to a stop. By the way, that "Say Geronimo" song playing on the radio lately — fucking awful. </div>
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Finally, someone displays a modicum of sense and realizes that something is amiss with the Sheriff. Chris decides to investigate by herself. Meanwhile, Bubb tells his wife that the Prince of Darkness himself told him at the altar that there will be a sacrifice during the black mass. Chris creeps up behind them (Sneak Increases to 41) and hears the rest of their plan. Patti, the "pure" one will be the official sacrifice and the rest of them will be murdered as well which the Sheriff will pin on the now deceased Billy. Chris accidentally alerts the dogs, Lucifer and Diablo (groan) but our euphoric devil worshipers attribute the barking to canine excitement that usually manifests when sacrifice is on the menu. Seriously? This should have been called <i>Special Olympics: The Movie</i>. Chris returns to the house and tells everyone that they have to leave now. Ms. Johnson, ever the dullard, doesn't believe her, blowing their only chance of escape before Bubb and Emmy return. The Sheriff won't let anyone leave until his investigation is over. He tells them that his phone is also out of service. </div>
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Patti confronts the pair while the others escape. Chris, Sharon and Debbie scamper off the roof and into the woods. Ms. Johnson (ugh!) gets caught by Bubb hanging over the ledge because she was too frightened to drop three feet to the ground. The trio hatch a plan:</div>
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<b>"It's simple, we kill the satanists."</b></div>
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At least they understand that they have to get to a phone. Problem is, they have no fucking clue who to call. They also decide to split up. Just slam that stupidity accelerator to the floor Clark. Hopefully the cliff is nearby. How much time is left? <b>THIRTY-FIVE MINUTES!!! </b>Fuuuuuuuuuuuck! Each cheerleader goes their separate way while Ms. Johnson gets physically abused and then raped by Bubb. Nice, huh? Little surprise that all the "help" the girls encounter are anything but. Debbie finds the bum again and he goes into the "they all think I'm crazy" trope. It's not long before they realize that the whole town are members of the upward point pentagram sect of satanism local #666. This was done so much better a few years earlier in <i>Race with the Devil</i>, starring Peter Fonda and Warren Oates. I highly recommend seeing that movie instead. <br />
The cheerleaders and Ms. Johnson are soon rounded up and locked in a shoddy building until the black mass begins. Emmy wants Bubb to kill Patti now because she has a power that frightens her. He has enough to deal with including an ass kissing monk (Charlie Chaplin's son Sydney Chaplin) who does the sign of the cross an awful lot for a satanist. The girls escape as the locking bolt was easily within arm's reach. The cumulative IQ of this town would barely break triple digits. The satanists find the lockup empty and Bubb chastises the dogs like they're fucking children. They fan out in pursuit of them.<br />
Bathed in red lighting, Emmy consults her "Satanism for Dummies" manual. She turns to a page:<br />
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<b>Satan likes them goth, just not <i>too</i> goth.</b></div>
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Just a picture? No writing? No instructions whatsoever? Whatever. Fuckit. Emmy sicks the dogs on them all and returns to her altar to pray. Patti guides her friends back to the sacrificial altar where Billy tried to rape her and she engages in a battle of prayers between Emmy and herself to see who Satan favors. He chooses the younger and more attractive woman like any sane man would and Patti uses this and has Emmy mauled to death by Lucifer and Diablo. The victory is short lived as Bubb and his party recapture them.<br />
The black mass begins and the ladies are escorted in white robes to the altar. Before the sacrifice begins each girl must be presented to Satan to verify their purity. This fucking absurd scenario has Bubb asking "Is this the one?" over and over to an audible growl offscreen. The girls act more offended that they are assumed to be virgins rather than in terror over their impending death. Patti cuts to the chase and monologues to everyone present that Bubb broke his covenant with Satan when he raped the only virgin left ... Ms. Johnson! Bubb tries to quickly Scooby-Doo his way out of it and say that this was all fake to begin with, showing them a tape recording of demonic growls. It's too late as Patti has him punished by having zombie Billy stab him in the dick with a piece of wood.<br />
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<b>Yippee ki yay, motherfucker!</b></div>
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The satanists kneel and submit to their new high priestess. </div>
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The girls are cheering during an evening football game when Steve — definitely a running back — gets injured. With the team losing 20-0 he doesn't think he can physically return to the game. Patti, wearing the fucking pentagram, commands him to return to the game and he jumps up and returns to the field yelling like a suicide bomber. This exchange happens:</div>
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Coach: "Well I be damned!"</div>
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Patti: "Probably."</div>
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The go on to score a fuckload of touchdowns. Ms. Johnson celebrates the notion that she doesn't believe they will lose a football game this year. Yeah, who gives a fuck about eternal damnation if your high school football team goes undefeated, right?</div>
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This was a rough one. I've had this fucker for years before I sat down and watched the entire thing for this review. The most I ever made it to was around thirty minutes which is coincidentally when phase two kicks in. Everything from the moment they hit the road on is a complete shift in theme (not that there was much anyway) from the dopey comedic introduction. The satanist portion is played out straight as a yardstick without any acknowledgement of what type of movie this is. For fuck's sake you don't title it <i>Satan's Cheerleaders</i> and pretend that your audience is seeking anything higher than a cheap excuse to see some naked girls. I know this, you know this and sure as fuck, Greydon Clark knows this! Speaking of which, why did he make his wife's character such an imbecile? Is there a parallel to intelligence and sexually proclivity? If there is, wouldn't it likely tilt the opposite way? </div>
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One last thing. A message to Sherry Marks who played the sensuous seductress Sharon. If suddenly you recall one handsome cat hitting on you in a bar, take him up on his offer — you'll make him one happy time traveler! </div>
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Zeehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17449809623201999845noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2442264192174795249.post-2536739627978243832015-05-12T14:45:00.001-05:002015-05-12T20:22:25.076-05:00Boy God (1983)<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEifaIZSWVtj48COughlNsFCzIBsFtBcGQoYj_xB8yGiN4UJ6MuZluopUCj_agtd8uYiy0oTGllvrhLNeidQt7xrlEmkFjQ0DZkzB6pfbJpGhIoeU8irddGFDS-pM8Z5iW3BXaSMd3t4ez3X/s1600/Boy+God+title.PNG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEifaIZSWVtj48COughlNsFCzIBsFtBcGQoYj_xB8yGiN4UJ6MuZluopUCj_agtd8uYiy0oTGllvrhLNeidQt7xrlEmkFjQ0DZkzB6pfbJpGhIoeU8irddGFDS-pM8Z5iW3BXaSMd3t4ez3X/s320/Boy+God+title.PNG" width="320" /></a></div>
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There are some titles that are on everyone's "must see" bad movie list. The shot-on-video ghetto puppet turned wooden rapist <i>Black Devil Doll from Hell</i> is one such film. It has about two minutes of humorous content while the rest is pure, unadulterated horseshit.<br />
<a name='more'></a>Currently, some hipster douchebag made a deal with <i>Devil Doll</i>'s director and is hawking this look into the sex life of possibly the most unattractive woman on the face of the planet at around $30 a copy. My point, besides hoping this asshole dies of prostate cancer, is that sometimes the hype doesn't exactly match reality. <i>Boy God</i> or <i>Rocco, ang batang bato</i> (Rocco, The Young Rock) falls into this category. </div>
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<b>Who ya gonna call? GHOSTFUCKERS!!!</b></div>
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The ghost above materializes at the end of a young lady's bed and seemingly appears to have nothing but the purest intentions by the look on his spiritual face. The camera zooms into the sleeping lady's face and she awakens to either being raped or on the receiving end of some bad oral sex. Regardless, the woman's name is Cora and she's pregnant as we proceed through this opening at break neck speeds. Cora gives birth on the same day that her and her husband are gunned down by some petty military thug named ... Robbie? It's hard to make out the exact names with these shitty dubs but I'm pretty sure that's his fucking name. Robbie — did he steal your baseball mitt after practice or did he gun down two young parents in cold blood? The Philippines must not give a fuck because I swear that the husband's name is Isabello. Robbie shoots Isabello. This sounds like a dark episode of <i>Dennis the Menace</i>. Anyway, the newborn boy — whose umbilical cord can't be cut — is taken away by his grandmother until his is ten years old. How has the young deity taken shape?</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgBvXFLnCNsP8wF8lU-xGK8k4bYVO46yzLr3wyaYpo2my-A3YuhBq1ccpcxrpszGZv9-hom5hP-nH6ytJKsCQY65icbPtmhgPU4fOHrJWjh2vVPeiFi_iTy0nThpKmMqwUENKaUNzUmIFBG/s1600/Boy+God+Rocco.PNG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgBvXFLnCNsP8wF8lU-xGK8k4bYVO46yzLr3wyaYpo2my-A3YuhBq1ccpcxrpszGZv9-hom5hP-nH6ytJKsCQY65icbPtmhgPU4fOHrJWjh2vVPeiFi_iTy0nThpKmMqwUENKaUNzUmIFBG/s320/Boy+God+Rocco.PNG" width="320" /></a></div>
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<b>Is he the god of high cholesterol?</b></div>
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The "boy god" is a pudgy fucker with a mouthy cunt parrot that he keeps as a pet. Rocco — he doesn't look like any Rocco I've ever met — has amazing strength which his grandmother insists he keep secret. I guess she wants the village to believe that his super power is devouring multiple Happy Meals in under ten minutes. </div>
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Rocco does have a weakness — besides more than two consecutive steps up a flight of stairs. Water cripples him substantially. Probably because there's no high fructose corn syrup in it. Speaking of water, Dr. Eldi? (I can't tell these fucking names!) believes that a scientist has infected the beach with a deadly chemical that has had some adverse effects on the local villagers and no, it's not terminal ugliness. Faster than you can say "unlimited buffet" Rocco waddles to the beach and directly into the water. He almost drowns until Eldi rescues him a mere five feet from the shore. Sure he was acting? Later that evening Rocco asks his grandma why his body reacts to water the way it does and she tells him that he's like limestone — the boy becomes stronger when hit and dissolves around water. So, over ten years this is the first time this has come up? Does he take baths in Nehi Grape Soda?<br />
Rocco awakens one night from a scream coming from outside. He investigates and finds a werewolf harassing a family in their home. Thank god he took his screeching parrot with him. Rocco follows the werewolf where it enters a house owned by three creepy sisters. He returns the next morning and sneaks in when the owners catch him. They introduce themselves as the Monte Carlo sisters and invite him to stay for dinner. Obviously, not one to pass up a meal, Rocco takes a seat but soon hightails it the fuck outta there when the food is revealed to be liver. While fleeing the sisters he gets hit by a car:<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjVGLR-BiKsGHZins1qKEvZ1ZjXfhWsKeAoum0wLJ2iI8zDnHerJMDdvXnS_r0wfc3GBDilggxzMlKNTGDogMzTK7SyXomlkM3XpAKWVUxsxUO541xlRYmhjLx9P6FaCV_d-VpAwSvxoZd4/s1600/Boy+God+hit.PNG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjVGLR-BiKsGHZins1qKEvZ1ZjXfhWsKeAoum0wLJ2iI8zDnHerJMDdvXnS_r0wfc3GBDilggxzMlKNTGDogMzTK7SyXomlkM3XpAKWVUxsxUO541xlRYmhjLx9P6FaCV_d-VpAwSvxoZd4/s1600/Boy+God+hit.PNG" width="320" /></a></div>
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<b>"My Skittles!"</b></div>
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The entire accident is witnessed by some dude that is wearing a disguise. The dude appears later in a building, takes off his makeup and tells Robbie — yes, <b>THEE ROBBIE</b> — that he just saw a boy with great strength. </div>
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Later that evening, back at the sisters' house, the clock strikes twelve and the trio transform into werewolves:</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgrhHORuw45jM01LqJ26CLYb8w8CSsp1AAvmN2fxdK5Bnk1K2I9UUdVlyfUctdwQ5KfqW9g_8KMOl27XYg30_UWmV5JlmrSyqKYfaf0E5g30tkpPUIEVWJ1XirSrPvH7J5BZVfxaegfztJ8/s1600/Boy+god+wolf.PNG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="239" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgrhHORuw45jM01LqJ26CLYb8w8CSsp1AAvmN2fxdK5Bnk1K2I9UUdVlyfUctdwQ5KfqW9g_8KMOl27XYg30_UWmV5JlmrSyqKYfaf0E5g30tkpPUIEVWJ1XirSrPvH7J5BZVfxaegfztJ8/s1600/Boy+god+wolf.PNG" width="320" /></a></div>
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<b>"Adrian Peterson is suspended? I JUST HAD MY FUCKIN' DRAFT!!!"</b><br />
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The werewolves go off into the night to presumably do whatever the fuck it is that they do considering I haven't seen anything heinous committed by any one of them besides petty harassment. If you think about it, they might very well be Jehovah's Witnesses. The following morning a woman stumbles open three pale bodies of men strewn about with the last one barely clinging to life. So, besides werewolves, the village also has a vampire to contend with. Turns out, it's some cat from the village called Captain Hugo. Looks like Rocco's got his Cheetos-stained hands full.<br />
Back at the village, Eldi tells Rocco, his Grandma, Hugo and some dipshit alcoholic that the water has been contaminated from a poison created by a German scientist. This mystery kraut has been known to turn people into werewolves and vampires. Captain Hugo acts likes he's wearing a wire for the Feds when Eldi says this, drawing the attention of Rocco. Later that evening, a man is attacked by an army of cartoon bats that looked like they flew straight out of an episode of Scooby-Doo. Hugo turns into a bat-man and fucks with the same family the werewolves were messing with. Are these the only people in the village? Spread that shit out a little, will ya? Rocco and Eldi happen to stroll past the house and come to the rescue:<br />
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<b>Is he the god of uncomfortably short shorts?</b></div>
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Eldi gets dispatched rather quickly, so it's up to Rocco to unleash his bowling attack:</div>
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For a supreme being, he certainly know how to drag out a fight. Rocco finally bests this inept vampire when he crashes through a wall like the fucking Kool-Aid man. In the rubble is Hugo who has returned to normal. Eldi doesn't seem too surprised that Rocco has abnormal strength. Thanks for nothing Grandma! </div>
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The next morning Eldi tells Rocco that he's leaving for a little while and to "stay away from the three witches". They're werewolves "doctor". Rocco, giving no fucks, goes right to the werewitches house. The sisters find him immediately and give chase (how does anyone <b>NOT</b> catch this kid?) until he bowling balls his fatass right into a water fountain. While he's severely weakened the sisters put him on a spit and prepare him for dinner. As you look as this next photo, let me remind you that this was marketed in the Philippines as a children's movie:</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgwq3FpA1otRtpNiKA6t0iFEkT0zyByt7KuJZoXa2RztSd0Fo7NyXpM1Gea5QaQg6KTfQkKlh4BT6N-qx5dbHIrOnIM0YOCUiBSzu21-9fkDaIU85yPcOVFVAHQjC0QGHxhlOiaUK4H03Pw/s1600/Boy+God+spit.PNG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="239" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgwq3FpA1otRtpNiKA6t0iFEkT0zyByt7KuJZoXa2RztSd0Fo7NyXpM1Gea5QaQg6KTfQkKlh4BT6N-qx5dbHIrOnIM0YOCUiBSzu21-9fkDaIU85yPcOVFVAHQjC0QGHxhlOiaUK4H03Pw/s320/Boy+God+spit.PNG" width="320" /></a></div>
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<b>When did this become a Hollywood audition?</b></div>
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The fire eventually dries Rocco off, returning his strength to him while the sisters cackle triumphantly inside their house. They turn into werewolves again and are unable to restrain Rocco who escapes. While running away he is grabbed by a zombie-like Hugo, who he thought was dead. He wants a piece of Rocco:</div>
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You get the picture yet? This goes on for far too long. An hour passes and it time to switch gears as Rocco awakens in a cave inhabited by Vulcan, an immortal. He displays his awesome powers by levitating a chalice and floating it towards Rocco at a whopping half-inch per minute. Vulcan tells him he's half immortal and that his real father — the rapist ghost at the beginning — is being punished for falling in love with Cora. His parents have been exiled to another world for this transgression. Vulcan speaks cryptically to Rocco about seeing them again if he can do the impossible though he doesn't specify what exactly the "impossible" is. Could it be only one serving of mashed potatoes? Rocco wakes up the next morning in the land of the small people and finds himself a new outfit:</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiVNBGRY4POnHlyNTRWjWS0XT9HAC6JI8limae7C9x32EZc9mLsgpboW1VyhkdyvRkBAK-X2GPR9w4rWUOjMpU36QqYaN7IF6lnPhZIySgZfbZ1LB9HlzjRjfylMNgzFFcwmusIGqdnRnjH/s1600/Boy+God+armor.PNG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="239" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiVNBGRY4POnHlyNTRWjWS0XT9HAC6JI8limae7C9x32EZc9mLsgpboW1VyhkdyvRkBAK-X2GPR9w4rWUOjMpU36QqYaN7IF6lnPhZIySgZfbZ1LB9HlzjRjfylMNgzFFcwmusIGqdnRnjH/s320/Boy+God+armor.PNG" width="320" /></a></div>
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<b>300 ... pounds.</b></div>
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First up, the midgets need Rocco to beat the Golem, a large cyclops:</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg2_YgPsD2QS7DkfhzOGv5cOF5x9HaxEBUT2CIpb-luLgmsi0GFsyZeMSnNFUGglC5VmN7wTxSQEPGm81NV948JBUYyRlj46vu3qX-dX2xGHlIoF5pm0ZAZm-oS6ep_vJO4pXKuZ3akXTpK/s1600/Boy+God+golem.PNG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg2_YgPsD2QS7DkfhzOGv5cOF5x9HaxEBUT2CIpb-luLgmsi0GFsyZeMSnNFUGglC5VmN7wTxSQEPGm81NV948JBUYyRlj46vu3qX-dX2xGHlIoF5pm0ZAZm-oS6ep_vJO4pXKuZ3akXTpK/s320/Boy+God+golem.PNG" width="320" /></a></div>
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<b> "Hey man, did you find a big-ass contact lense on the ground?"</b></div>
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They launch Rocco from a giant crossbow and he stabs the golem in the eye. There's like 400 of these little fuckers, not one of them could have done this before? Fuck, I've had it with this movie! <br />
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Next, are the attached from the back "twin dangers". I can't begin to describe how tactically unsound it is for these two handjobs to fight. Realizing this, they separate and begin to overwhelm Rocco before he's rescued by a female warrior named Janus who wears an impractically skimpy outfit:</div>
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<b>Rocco found himself getting harder.</b></div>
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She lends him her magic sword which he uses to impale the twins. After returning the sword she disappears. Later that evening, Rocco crashes in another cave and asks Vulcan what the third task will be. I don't recall this old sunovabitch saying anything about multiple tasks, only doing the "impossible". Vulcan clues him in with this gem:</div>
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<span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;">"The dark shadow of death lurks in the darkness."</span></div>
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How is that even possible? A shadow, by it's very definition, needs a source of light to exist. Regardless of the inanity, Rocco ponders it like it's a Final Jeopardy question. He doesn't have long to think about it because Vulcan disappears and Death, via a cackling dude with a trident wearing black robes, attacks Rocco. After some minor fisticuffs, Death shows off his eye lasers:</div>
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Those are the slowest lasers in the history of lasers! A ninety year old with Parkinson's disease could dodge that shit! After easily blocking his lasers, Rocco flings his shield <i>a la</i> Captain America and decapitates the cocky fucker while he pauses to laugh at him. The maniacal laugh is usually reserved for knowing, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that you have the upper hand. If ever there was a bad guy seminar on what <i>not</i> to do when getting bested by a chubby hero, this is it. Commentary aside, Janus appears and asks what was taking him so long. Uh, the pathetic "shadow of death" you see headless on the ground? </div>
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Rocco is brought to Minerva — who wears an awful powdered wig — and asks what he can do to free his parents from their punishment. Minerva tells him that there is nothing to which the other immortals rally to Rocco's cause and demand that he shouldn't be deprived of his parents considering all the tasks he accomplished on his way here. She asks Vulcan his opinion and relents when he agrees. So, this whole time all Vulcan had to do was vouch for Rocco. What a fucking waste of time! His parents are teleported to their side and Rocco is reunited with his parents who he has never met. At the very least punch your asshole, rapist dad in the stomach for starting all this nonsense in the first place. Cora introduces his immortal father as ... Bison? <b>PSYCHO CRUSHER! </b>So, end of movie right? Not quite. The only way his parents will be absolved from guilt is if Rocco achieves 1001 salvations back on Earth. How do you know when you achieve one? Does it make this sound?</div>
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Back home, Rocco must free the villagers from Robbie and the German doctor who turns out to be ... Dr. Mengele? Are you fucking serious? This is a children's movie and you choose one of the most evil human beings in the history of the world to be your cartoonish bad guy? Fuck me, the guy operated on children while they were still alive! Enough! I've had enough! Mengele is killed when Rocco puts his finger in the barrel of the machine gun he's pointing at the boy and pulls the trigger, causing a backfire. The evil Robbie is captured by Eldi. Somewhere the whole "1001 salvations" got lost in translation because now Rocco's parents are free. Well, at least free to be spirits in another world that Rocco cannot travel to. Everything Rocco did was pointless, much like most of the movie. </div>
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If you're looking for a "wacky" Filipino flick then let me recommend the hilarious <a href="http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0085792/" target="_blank"><i>Killing of Satan</i></a>. </div>
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Otherwise, fuck this movie in the ass with a golden dildo. </div>
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Zeehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17449809623201999845noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2442264192174795249.post-69275723530875098342015-04-01T13:08:00.002-05:002015-05-07T15:03:36.326-05:00Spawn of the Slithis (1978)<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiDpWepPtYzg4gtBinjIT2BxKkoYyMB61JgcoOOPzvW0z5cyUHz-uROK-dzZVAliaqO_WNcho412ZRYLAB5dw02zZ_Pox0JuUW_cCBTsfFFuL5kVI_hOgy4xL6XG1oZc6fJYmaZsg9borzN/s1600/Slithis+title.PNG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="244" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiDpWepPtYzg4gtBinjIT2BxKkoYyMB61JgcoOOPzvW0z5cyUHz-uROK-dzZVAliaqO_WNcho412ZRYLAB5dw02zZ_Pox0JuUW_cCBTsfFFuL5kVI_hOgy4xL6XG1oZc6fJYmaZsg9borzN/s1600/Slithis+title.PNG" width="320" /></a></div>
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"Yawn of the Audience" would have been a more honest title. Motherfucker, does this thing revel in minutiae! Filmed in Venice, California on a $100,000 budget blah,blah,blah ... you know the rest. Too bad you'll be in stage 4 delta sleep long before this plodding film reaches it completion. </div>
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Two boys — one so fat that I believe his veins were filled with maple syrup — are playing Frisbee (in slow-motion) when the non-future heart failure victim discovers a mutilated dog corpse on the side of a canal.<br />
<a name='more'></a> This seems to be happening frequently in the neighborhood as we are transported to the apartment of a young couple:</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjWyHznD150knsiKRy5gkU0NQ8NM91OyNgEV-1cETPwFNihvCS73hTA8PO2jMO88meKZMZBFMLGC4iPBZPEJ2dEm_hsE3sIuylDsotGVZIDYWyEm3EftkhtBB0npAMfnAgb3PWg-B0kt4l6/s1600/Slithis+hero.PNG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="244" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjWyHznD150knsiKRy5gkU0NQ8NM91OyNgEV-1cETPwFNihvCS73hTA8PO2jMO88meKZMZBFMLGC4iPBZPEJ2dEm_hsE3sIuylDsotGVZIDYWyEm3EftkhtBB0npAMfnAgb3PWg-B0kt4l6/s1600/Slithis+hero.PNG" width="320" /></a></div>
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<b>"It says here that the Raiders just signed Michael Vick."</b></div>
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The Bert Convy stunt double is Wayne Connors and his wife ... Jeff? Yeah, I had to look that one up. I could have sworn it was Jan but no, it's Jeff. Wayne teaches journalism at the local high school. At least that's what I'm told considering he seems to have way too much free time to investigate the recent spate of mangled canines. Because this is a movie and the police are total dumbasses it is publicly speculated that the persons responsible for this are members of a cult committing some sort of ritual. This has to be the most irresponsible jump to conclusion based on zero evidence ever! Well, at least by a non-politician. Later that evening a couple is awoken to an invader trashing their house. Thinking it's the dog, the husband goes to investigate the noises when he's attacked by a large creature. Even after shooting it twice the monster dispatches them easily:</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjbW4jZR61lzp4kWD6KzMN2Nxh_JqK1VEmwr5Tnm8siDboQHl9wKUFaPyQcU6RDhcwYrJOU8qmwXbBjTqWYqycggYh9VcRElWTYnnzUpvjqU7zgEOw-GVRv_uFh-QO2TeC6Z6CazL2_bNiN/s1600/Slithis+attack.PNG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="245" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjbW4jZR61lzp4kWD6KzMN2Nxh_JqK1VEmwr5Tnm8siDboQHl9wKUFaPyQcU6RDhcwYrJOU8qmwXbBjTqWYqycggYh9VcRElWTYnnzUpvjqU7zgEOw-GVRv_uFh-QO2TeC6Z6CazL2_bNiN/s1600/Slithis+attack.PNG" width="320" /></a></div>
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<b>Ruled a suicide. </b><br />
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The next day Wayne is bitching about his incompetent students when one said student who is a "news junkie" brings to his attention a radio report about the couple that was murdered. Turns out it was near the same canal that the mangled dog carcasses have been found. Wayne finds the series of events interesting and decides to do his own investigation. Boy, does this movie love investigating! First off is examining the above crime scene possibly tainting evidence. Wayne kneels down to inspect a clump of mud when a police officer arrives. He somehow avoids arrest by proving that he teaches journalism at the local high school. Okay... Wayne asks the officer (who has a cold) if there was anything odd about the mud. He tells him there wasn't and to stay away from this crime scene because it's "off limits". Then why the fuck was the front door open and no police tape around the building. On top of that, when he informs Wayne that is "off limits" he turns the fuck around <b>AND LEAVES HIM THERE</b> allowing him to collect a large sample of the mud.</div>
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It's good to have friends and Wayne has 'em! He takes the sample to Dr. John who will always be referred to as Dr. John reminding you that he's a doctor and you live on your parents couch watching cable and eating Doritos. Dr. John is intrigued with the sample and goes into a bunch of gobbledygook along with such burning insight as "it's organic, no doubt about that", except that it's not organic as well. He tells Wayne that he'll run some tests and get back to him with the results in a couple of days. Can't wait...John. Yeah, that's right. Fuck your stupid doctorate!</div>
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Did I say a couple of days? I must have been confused because Dr. John has got the results! I'm just on the edge of my recliner begging to go deeper into this mud mystery! Dr. John meets Wayne and Jeff (Ugh, that name!) at their apartment and tells them what he found. The mud Wayne collected is slightly radioactive in a way similar to a case that occurred twenty years ago at a nuclear reactor facility in Wisconsin. There was a small radioactive leak at this plant that was absorbed by the silt in a local lagoon and developed into a form of protoplasm that could mimic characteristics of the surrounding organisms. This evolving, protoplasmic mud was discovered by two scientists that decide to dub it "slithis". Why? Because Wayne's fucking wife's name is Jeff, that's why! Fuuuuuuuuck! This whole incident was covered up so as not to expose a leak at the plant, however, one of the scientists involved with the slithis has been working for a local oil company. Dr. Erin Burick (yes, that's the female version of Erin and yes, he's a man) now lives in Malibu and is continuing his research with slithis in hopes of creating a natural petroleum that can be created at will. Goddamn you Big Oil! Before Dr. John parts he asks Wayne to keep him informed if he decides to pursue this. </div>
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Back to the action! <b>U CAN'T HANDLE DA BUM LIFE!!!1!!</b><br />
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Bunky, disgusted that his compatriot Preston defecated in his trousers, goes off in search of some more wine when he spots something splashing in the canal. When he goes to offer the late night swimmer a sip of wine he comes face-to-face with this:</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhwmRQjcPrl7XGaxZ2S5wb9B4B-Ra8bLwYCxadNeiSWBYgQ7idoPADS7natjSQKc6TfuXbXSZgI0Wy5XCClS8pLn_bnkRLVQbOGeRi6MxmGAqGwob4EegUa0m_OkKfNcO-74-OGoWVGQQDD/s1600/Slithis+monster.PNG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="244" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhwmRQjcPrl7XGaxZ2S5wb9B4B-Ra8bLwYCxadNeiSWBYgQ7idoPADS7natjSQKc6TfuXbXSZgI0Wy5XCClS8pLn_bnkRLVQbOGeRi6MxmGAqGwob4EegUa0m_OkKfNcO-74-OGoWVGQQDD/s1600/Slithis+monster.PNG" width="320" /></a></div>
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<b> "Actually, kind sir, I prefer a Bordeaux."</b></div>
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Bunky runs for his life. Whatever that's worth. The following morning it is broadcast on the news that a student was found mutilated that night. So, you couldn't have killed one of the deadbeats? Whatever. The police, once again, make things worse by creating more hysteria when they broadcast a manhunt for cult members that practice human sacrifice. Even the transients feel unsafe to harass the working class for change. </div>
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With the police busy spreading irresponsible speculations Wayne is able to immediately track down Preston who tells him about Bunky acting strangely since the murder. Tedious filler aside, he finally tracks Bunky down and the wino confirms that he saw something but it might have been because he was under the influence. Realizing Bunky won't cooperate with the police the next step is a clandestine meeting with the slithis scientist Dr. Burick. He tells Wayne that there is a small nuclear energy plant near the marina not far from the canal. He also confirms that the slithis mud can evolve into any life form it encounters. Dr. Burick is also quite the looker:</div>
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<b>His eHarmony account describes him as having "rugged features".</b></div>
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Think were done investigating? Fuck no! Ya see, Wayne needs to charter a boat so he can collect mud samples near the plant. He enlists the help of Christopher Columbus Alexander (not kiddding) to take him out a few yards from the plant and dive down below and get a sample. The sample contains slithis mud but no radioactivity. With the police not interested in Wayne's theory that there is a mutated beast stalking Venice — probably not sensational enough — he and Dr. John close off the water lock for the canal at low tide under the assumption that the creature would not be able to gain access to it and swim out to deeper waters. It backfires when a horny couple is instead killed on a boat docked outside. A real shame too because I became rather attached to them during the absurd amount of time dedicated to their date.</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgdMjPhF0xcl1GRwHHAaPd3xNhFuCZqvM5aOE2EJ7P6rhjRM5TAeZMzrCSF5dDDhw7Zw4JD4nRlPbd9RIy0TyueWX8pJ6qtfhyphenhyphenUcINjvZU9JITiqxtRT79Au2DIQ8jMdzni7uCVRTtXh9RN/s1600/Slithis+date.PNG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="241" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgdMjPhF0xcl1GRwHHAaPd3xNhFuCZqvM5aOE2EJ7P6rhjRM5TAeZMzrCSF5dDDhw7Zw4JD4nRlPbd9RIy0TyueWX8pJ6qtfhyphenhyphenUcINjvZU9JITiqxtRT79Au2DIQ8jMdzni7uCVRTtXh9RN/s1600/Slithis+date.PNG" width="320" /></a></div>
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<b>"Welcome aboard the S.S. Narcissist."</b></div>
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Wayne arrives at the police station to talk with the Lieutenant in charge of the investigation. He finds this man. You just gotta watch it for yourself:</div>
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That's actor Hy Pyke (Mayor Daley from <i>Dolemite</i>) trying his best to inject some life into this stodgy film. He allows Wayne to confer with one of their "police scientists". How much schooling do you need for that title? That would be perfect for a cheesy 80's film, <i>"He's a cutting edge scientist with a badge. Watch out for Dr. Edge Hardhammer!" </i>Wayne theorizes to the scientist that the monster has expanded its hunting grounds to the canal because the food sources near the plant have already been consumed by it. He also admits to closing the canal lock which forced the creature to kill the couple docked in the marina. Sadly, the film doesn't end with his arrest. </div>
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Wayne concocts a plan with Jeff, Dr. John and Christopher to catch the monster. The plan fails as the monster gets aboard Christopher's boat, killing two of his crewmen. Wayne and Christopher barrage the creature with a mixture of shotgun bullets and whatever they can use as a melee weapon when it's finally done in by ... an anchor?</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjtXJVB_ly-nZPpa5ngyApoJhTajNKEAuhFU36Y9YEaS_F9_-uvc1sdYIF-GYodEZf15gkVsjFqpwLn9rWLsIRY5Yd_DZN9cuPWrigJYADjsWzEMo90mzHf9LXvucR1E84VuDa2Wy5KCJq-/s1600/Slithis+anchor.PNG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="244" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjtXJVB_ly-nZPpa5ngyApoJhTajNKEAuhFU36Y9YEaS_F9_-uvc1sdYIF-GYodEZf15gkVsjFqpwLn9rWLsIRY5Yd_DZN9cuPWrigJYADjsWzEMo90mzHf9LXvucR1E84VuDa2Wy5KCJq-/s1600/Slithis+anchor.PNG" width="320" /></a></div>
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<b>"This anchor is a real drag!"</b></div>
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With the beast seemingly dead Wayne tells Christopher that they should bring it to the police as proof that he was right. Never mind that not only will it solve all the murders but also become one of the greatest scientific discoveries of all time. Christopher instead suggests that they kick it overboard. Guess which line of thinking they go with? A short time later the creature's hand emerges from the water and grabs Wayne by the ankle causing him to scream in horror. Guess your journalism class is going to need something more permanent than a substitute. </div>
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Holy shit is this a trite little fucker! In it's almost one-and-a-half hours of running time there might be about five minutes of action. Instead a bulk of the movie hyperfocuses on bullshit nobody cares about. Everything concerning Bunky and Wayne's search for him could have been completely excised without missing a beat. And the couple's date? You could have simply picked it up with some asshole trying to get laid on his boat, end of story. But no, we have to follow them from the turtle races (seriously?) in the car, to the boat, meet the pervert neighbor, drink some wine, blah, blah, motherfucking blah. There really isn't anything to recommend here but that didn't stop some asshole from sharpening up the film and putting it on DVD. Might as well take your money and toss it in the canal with the dead dogs. That way, Wayne can then go into a four hour documentary on how it got there. Better call Dr. John! </div>
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Zeehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17449809623201999845noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2442264192174795249.post-32636185966142160572015-03-23T18:29:00.000-05:002015-05-07T15:04:17.779-05:00The Meateater (1979)<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiwJH3uGnLIjyoBoYpETCmNDHmrFRzDbXJRInZnq6AvbElc-6TD4lXCEkBR_Y7Xjh5GMFuuEB5ot_tJGJ9VKFnGnHqx5TSQR3Oz11rWdPPx9fpXAIuSOSvefWCXP1sOB__Sa2jxJtGUh0nV/s1600/Meateater+title.PNG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiwJH3uGnLIjyoBoYpETCmNDHmrFRzDbXJRInZnq6AvbElc-6TD4lXCEkBR_Y7Xjh5GMFuuEB5ot_tJGJ9VKFnGnHqx5TSQR3Oz11rWdPPx9fpXAIuSOSvefWCXP1sOB__Sa2jxJtGUh0nV/s1600/Meateater+title.PNG" width="320" /></a></div>
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Theater is pronounced (<b>thee</b>-uh-ter) according to the dictionary — not (thee-<b>ate</b>-her). Those who use the latter sound like uneducated rubes. Thankfully, our star Mitford (the hopelessly lame yet likeable Peter Spitzer) wasn't trying to portray a sophisticated intellectual. Every time he says the word — and, it's a lot — I want to karate chop him in the neck. <br />
<a name='more'></a>The title of this film is more than a little misleading. The three minute intro seemingly sets the stage as a raggedy, scarred, old man alone in a projection room of a derelict theater is watching a silent Jean Harlow film when he spies a rat and digs in:</div>
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<b>Tastes exactly like Taco Bell. Weird, huh?</b></div>
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So, I'm sitting there thinking to myself: <i>This must be the Meateater</i>. Technically, yes he's The Meateater. The end credits refer to him as <i>thee</i> Meateater. However, his level of devouring meat does not in any way surpass the other characters in the movie, nor does he display any peculiarities that would define him solely on his consumption habits. You might as well have assigned him the moniker "Airbreather" because whatever you called him, it bears little relevance to the title. This is a movie about eating though, make no mistake about it. Every scene seems to have somebody stuffing there maw with something. No one more so than the bovine Lt. Wombat who crassly orbits Mitford's universe like a rogue moon.<br />
Mitford comes home from work and calls his wife, Jan out to the front yard so he can complain to her about his dead-end job. Why this conversation didn't take place inside is one of the many odd segments that gives this movie some character. Mitford is a shoe salesman. A shoe salesman that is away nine months of the year. Where the fuck is he selling these shoes? Mars? His luck is about to turn because sitting in the mailbox is a letter from his real estate broker, Mr. Knuckle (I know, right?) that his low bid was accepted and that Mitford now owns the Crest Theater. This is a dream come true for Mitford and despite his wife's reluctance that he quit his job and move the family to another town she acquiesces. I'll be honest with ya...I'm actually pulling for the poor bastard!<br />
Mitford signs the deed at Knuckle's — who's in the middle of eating — office making it official. He asked why the Crest closed down considering it was the only theater in town. Knuckle gives him the skinny:<br />
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Pornography, damn you! The close-ups on each mouth really drives it home, ya think? Mitford assures Knuckle that he'll run only the most sterilized family-fare movies so as not to offend the working class provincials. They begin the process of cleaning up the theater and prepping it for reopening on Saturday. While Mitford is away Jan hears noises coming from upstairs and thinks it must be a rodent infestation. That same day she sees an older man standing in the lobby and when she talks to him he tells her — in a <b>VERY</b> exaggerated stutter — that he lives across the street from the theater and that they mustn't open it again. Jan goes to answer the phone and when she returns the man is gone.<br />
Mitford needs to hire a projectionist and Raymond arrives in his office for an interview. To bad he seems more occupied with Mitford's daughter Jeannie's ass:<br />
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<b>"Your daughter loves anal? Sorry, just projecting."</b></div>
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If that isn't enough to creep out his prospective boss Raymond's "qualifications" leave even less to be desired. His experience is limited to watching movies. That doesn't worry Mitford one bit as he hires him anyway simply based on the notion that Raymond will try really hard. With that finished, it's time to open the theater again!</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjJGvMwVxJcNYzsusgCfWhSgfpwzxBC2qztMpyKGHDSD5GlR4DIr0yPQJ4V2S6mmTxEd0-n7SN9_EArnyn14O9fqNtT2hmAx8Pzw38zuVVh29L9bm2x4Jbuxq8gtdTVkSEmH5OuVh6gvyb8/s1600/Safari.PNG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="244" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjJGvMwVxJcNYzsusgCfWhSgfpwzxBC2qztMpyKGHDSD5GlR4DIr0yPQJ4V2S6mmTxEd0-n7SN9_EArnyn14O9fqNtT2hmAx8Pzw38zuVVh29L9bm2x4Jbuxq8gtdTVkSEmH5OuVh6gvyb8/s1600/Safari.PNG" width="320" /></a></div>
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<b>Yep, sounds perfectly wholesome.</b></div>
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Raymond, sporting a cool Conan the Barbarian comic book shirt, stumbles around the projection room trying to get the movie ready. It must be a pretty boring town because the theater is packed to see this documentary about — what else? — eating habits of animals. Two eyes peer out from the darkness and then a hand attaches a cable to some wires sticking out of a junction box labeled "projector". When Raymond goes to change the reel he's electrocuted along with a surge burning the rest of the film. The crowd goes apeshit even though it sounded like the movie was ending anyway. Mitford and Jan rush upstairs to break the current coursing through Raymond's body. When the power is shut off an eerie scene is backlit from behind the theater screen:</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgBxYQiZCv4jQ7MFue6_olgb1otoMQJFngWLEtGmGyPU-IGgAJrFxrcaY14CVTm-xbDGHNUtgSwcQCQzzJrGeJrksjzdXbsPr7cd8jHK8czg8JpouypCxKlIcCYeKEW-Xs3Yn-k3cs2aUut/s1600/Hanging.PNG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="244" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgBxYQiZCv4jQ7MFue6_olgb1otoMQJFngWLEtGmGyPU-IGgAJrFxrcaY14CVTm-xbDGHNUtgSwcQCQzzJrGeJrksjzdXbsPr7cd8jHK8czg8JpouypCxKlIcCYeKEW-Xs3Yn-k3cs2aUut/s1600/Hanging.PNG" width="320" /></a></div>
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<b>To everyone's dismay, it was not Neil Patrick Harris.</b></div>
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Seeing this, the audience goes fucking berserk and storms out of the theater. This is the most goddamned sensitive town in America! The police arrive to investigate the matter. Enter the Wombat!<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhKHkOYo92e-nBGA9Rsi6ek-sDm38wFzcqYAqZh0H4db0z_m87LrZi9uxXWHfyArA4l0VWBNIVnAKu-kOYkFnEkp4TcTXZrO8fLittzC3tUiFkOY261Og_8HnsMFLky2pCxdTliW0UrqZQI/s1600/Wombat.PNG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="244" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhKHkOYo92e-nBGA9Rsi6ek-sDm38wFzcqYAqZh0H4db0z_m87LrZi9uxXWHfyArA4l0VWBNIVnAKu-kOYkFnEkp4TcTXZrO8fLittzC3tUiFkOY261Og_8HnsMFLky2pCxdTliW0UrqZQI/s1600/Wombat.PNG" width="320" /></a></div>
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<b>A turkey leg was hidden in his mustache.</b></div>
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Wombat and his partner Mulligan resemble shady used-car salesmen rather than cops. While investigating the back room where the hanging man was found, Wombat notices the old man who lives across the street loitering in the hallway and he gruffly asks what the hell he's doing out there, sorta scaring him away. Perhaps you should question him? A man was just murdered for fuck's sake! Mulligan cuts the hanging man down and they send the corpse to the lab for an analysis. </div>
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Two corpses and a ruined Grand Opening later, Mitford tells Jan that they have to reopen the theater despite the unfortunate events. He chalks up Raymond's death, ironically, to a kid that didn't know what he was doing — a fact Mitford willfully ignored. He leaves for the police department to see if the hanging man was identified. While washing dishes, Jan looks up and sees the old man that lives across the street staring back at her through the window. The old man scampers off. Agitated, Jan goes across the street to confront the oddball. He's not home but the front door is unlocked allowing her a look inside. There's a picture of Jean Harlow on the wall. Jan returns to the theater and finds the man sitting alone in the balcony. She threatens to call the police for spying on her. He tells her that his brother worked here and starts going on about getting burned in a fire and a man named Crawford. He skulks away crying about "Ben". Jan investigates the projection room seen in the opening credits and sees that it's decorated with pictures of Jean Harlow. One picture in particular grabs her attention because it bares more than a passing resemblance to her daughter Jeannie.<br />
Mitford tells Jan that the hanging corpse was identified as Crawford, the former owner of the Crest. They argue about reopening the theater even with everything that's happened. Wombat is called over to the house for some back story as to why the old man is obsessed with the the theater. The shot is framed perfectly:<br />
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<b>"I love your new golden dragon head with rainbow hair!"</b><br />
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Wombat tells them that the old man is Noah Whateverthefuck. I can't make out his exact last name but I'll get to that later. Noah's brother, Ben was a projectionist at the theater and he perished in a fire there which pegs him as The Meateater in the beginning of the film. Wombat asks Jan if she wants him arrested and she declines. Fuck almighty, she murdered that roast!<br />
Mitford's incredulity over Jimmy Dean's sausage is put on the back burner because today the theater reopens! A hopelessly dopey kid gets dropped off by his parents with strict orders to be out front by 8:30. He has other plans:<br />
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<b>"Bitches know I got game!"</b></div>
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The plan is to pay for his ticket and let his hoodlum friends in the back door. Knuckle stops by to offer his support and decides to stay for a wiener. Jan really know how to sell those dogs! Dopey kid finds the back door locked and is attacked shortly afterwards by Ben. He's tossed down a stairwell while the audience laugh like jackals at two rhinos fucking. This is why people hate the suburbs. It's almost time for Jeannie's date and she treats a rotund patron very rudely at the concession stand. They run out of cups so Jeannie ventures upstairs to ask Mitford where she can find more. Along her way to the projection booth Ben subdues her. He takes her back to his Jean Harlow shrine. Meanwhile, the parents of the dopey — now deceased — kid wait impatiently out front. They go inside and with the assistance of Jan's son Ricky, search the theater for him. They don't find him.</div>
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With the evening finished and both parents believing that Jan left on her date, the family is off to the ice cream parlor. On their way back they break into song:</div>
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I think it's pretty clear that Oscar Mayer partially funded this film. When our trio of songbirds return home they find that Jeannie's date has been waiting for her for the last two hours. Mitford, Ricky and the date go and search for her when Jan comes to a frightening realization while on the phone with the police. She leaves a note telling Mitford that Jeannie never left the theater. Jan's right of course as Ben insists that Jeannie is Jean Harlow reincarnated. While trying to flee him she runs into the corpse of the dopey kid who is strung up by his feet. Jan arrives in time to thwart Ben's amorous intentions on Jeannie. As they both try to escape Noah arrives. A tension-free chase begins through the theater until Noah finally catches up to Ben. Ben retreats to the roof where Noah follows him. He begs his brother, "no more" however, one glimpse of Jeannie emerging from a hallway cues him to push his poor brother to his death. The fall appears only a few feet yet...</div>
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<b>Did he fall from space?</b></div>
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Fuck me! That fall wouldn't even have killed him let alone shatter every bone in his goddamn body! Mitford arrives in the aftermath and the family flees the theater. Mitford's dream is over as the screen pans to a window in the now closed Crest Theater where the flickering of the movie screen shows a Jean Harlow movie being played. </div>
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Great ending, huh? All Noah wanted was his brother back and what does he get for it? Splattered across the floor like a ripe cantaloupe. How exactly did Ben manage to avoid detection after all those years? You mean to tell me that after the fire not one person searched for his body? Did they think it was incinerated and give up after five minutes? His "burns" weren't even that bad — just one side of his face. He could have had a pretty normal life back in society even with his scars. Talk about blowing shit out of proportion. Noah and Ben have a last name, though it's hard to make out because both times when Wombat says it he's got food in his mouth. Yet, the end credits list him as "Noah Webster" — the same as Mitford's family! </div>
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I gotta admit that I felt bad that Mitford's dream failed miserably and that he had to go back to selling shoes. The Crest Theater was in operation in Monrovia, California up until it was condemned the same year <i>The Meateater</i> was filmed there. For a small budget film this had plenty of local charm it you give it an honest viewing. Mitford's quirkiness and Wombat's bull-through-a-China-shop performance are worth the price of admission. This was the one and only performance by Arch Joboulian who plays both Noah and his burned brother Ben. He actually does a serviceable job compared to other one-and-done "actors". Somewhere in this forgotten film is a message about our relationship with food but fuck if I know what that missive is. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to the all-you-can-eat buffet. </div>
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Zeehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17449809623201999845noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2442264192174795249.post-31722233637916529662015-03-16T14:15:00.000-05:002015-06-09T21:14:31.850-05:00Breeders (1997)<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Back in the mid-Eighties gay porn director Tim Kincaid (a.k.a. "Joe Gage") tried his hand at going mainstream by directing a few small budget direct-to-video films. Unsurprisingly, they were all wretched. Amongst his short resume of work that didn't involve male-on-male sodomy was the 1986 science fiction/horror movie <i>Breeders</i> which haphazardly told the tale of an alien that rapes Manhattan's scarce supply of cocaine-snorting virgins. <br />
<a name='more'></a>Virgins, I might add, which he keeps in a pool of space jizz in an abandoned subway tunnel. Flash forward over a decade later and imagine my surprise when browsing the aisle of my local Blockbuster I came across what I thought was the aforementioned Kincaid abomination repackaged in an updated VHS box. One glance at the comely female actresses on the back and I knew immediately that this was no Kincaid film. Would I feel the same after watching it? Well...</div>
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This <i>Breeders</i> is directed by Paul Matthews who seems apt to pass the gloomy hillsides of England as American backdrops. I actually watched his first effort, 1995's <i>Grim</i>, years later on an episode of TNT's homage to my kind of movies, "Monstervision" — hosted by the always entertaining and informative Joe Bob Briggs. <i>Grim</i> was an abysmal film about a group of spelunkers that encounter a monster in a cave that was summoned using a Ouija board. <i>Breeders</i> would be his second consecutive film centered on underground beasts. Seriously dude, give it a rest. </div>
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The movie begins with a meteor crashing to Earth courtesy of the PlayStation quality CGI graphics during the opening credits. Emerging from the rubble is our rather decent looking alien and his gorgeous, skin-barring, unwilling accomplice with an unsightly facial scar:</div>
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<b>Despite the scars, I'm still turned on.</b></div>
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This "Space Girl" as she's so creatively referred to is Kadamba Simmons who starred in Matthews' first film, <i>Grim</i>. More on her unfortunate story later. Lucky for us, our alien beast happened to blast through the campus street of an all-girls college. A college that seems to employ only three people:<br />
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<b>The janitor actually teaches pre-med.</b></div>
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The handsome looking cat is our hero, Ashley (Todd Jensen, the not quite cyborg cop in <i>Cyborg Cop</i>) along with Jack the JANITOR as it's emblazoned on his back and the college principal (shouldn't she be a dean instead?) Roper, who has a very difficult time trying to maintain her American accent.<br />
Let me address this here and now. This is supposed to take place in Boston even though it was filmed on the Island of Man located in between Britain and Ireland. Not once does anyone try to inflect the fakkin' annoying Bostonian accent that — and I'm just throwing darts here — seems pretty goddamn prevalent in the Boston area! To say that certain American traits were lost in translation to director Matthews is an understatement. For instance, the gas refinery is run by "Boston Gas". The Boston Police drive a squad car that says "Highway Patrol". Speaking of the police, Swiss-born actor Oliver Tobias portrays Detective Moore as a Dirty Harry/William Munny/mafioso hybrid. It's fucking bizarre. Then there's that basketball scene. Ho-lee shit!<br />
Back to the story. Ashley takes a shard of what he thinks is part of the meteor that crashed nearby when in actuality it was a piece of the meteor that our Space Girl "rode" on. He's not the only one to snatch up pieces of the valuable space booty as it has become quite the rage for the young ladies to wear them around their necks as makeshift jewelry. I guess NASA just doesn't give a fuck about investigating this. Things just keep getting better for Ashley as he strikes up a not-at-all inappropriate sexual relationship with one of his students, Louise played by blonde cutie Samantha Janus. I gotta hand it to Matthews, he knows Janus' strength and employs it well:<br />
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<b>Only gave her a B+ that year. Fucking chauvinist.</b></div>
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During the above scene, Louise returns to her dorm for the evening when Ashley alerts her that she forgot her panties. She tells him to save them until next time. He obviously can't wait:</div>
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<b>Art teacher. Alien hunter. Panty sniffer. Hero.</b></div>
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Jack, who also is having sex with Louise's roommate Myra (The fuck is going on at this college?) gets knocked off by the alien. Myra, looking for Jack whom she loaned $300, ends up getting kidnapped by said alien while Roper, who witnesses the whole thing, gets hit in the head by a forcefully closed door, knocking her out. That same night Ashley spies Space Girl and chases her down and tackles her when she is pulled into the ground by the alien, slicing his side with claw marks. Detective Moore is called to investigate the missing individuals and makes Ashley his prime suspect. He refuses to believe that a monster is responsible for this because Roper, for some fucking reason, refuses to confirm Ashley's story. I guess large, bloody claw marks is not considered evidence. What I would like to know is with a dead janitor and an injured principle and art teacher who is working at the fucking college? <br />
Detective Moore decides to send his "forensic team" to investigate what is going on underground. There is nothing scientific whatsoever applied by this group of bungling assholes and petty douchebags who are armed to the teeth but lack the the collective intelligence to run a fucking Taco Bell. The alien has the last member cornered when he decides to ignite a fuel line in hopes of killing them both. It fails.<br />
Back at the dorms the women that wore the makeshift jewelry of the meteor shards have suddenly become mindless savages under the control of the alien. They start making their way to his underground fuck palace. This includes Louise, who Ashley confronts after his interrogation by Detective Moore. Louise seems to have the upper hand until Space Girl comes to his aid:<br />
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You catch that wardrobe malfunction? Space Girl tells Ashley to rip off the necklace. He does and she returns to her senses. Easy huh? Well not so much for the other poor girls as the pair return to the underground hideout and remedy Louise's classmates with shotgun blasts to the abdomen. After their carnage it comes to Ashley's realization that the women are being controlled by the shards. Louise wonders who they killed to which Ashley coldly replies, "They were already dead". Try telling that to a judge Ash. </div>
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The lovers come to rescue Space Girl but not before Louise is knocked unconscious when they fall into the alien stronghold in the depths of the sewer. Space Girl tells Ashley the purpose of the women is to carry his eggs. That's carry — not impregnate — something the movie makes sure to stress to the viewer so that we are aware that there was no intergalactic coitus between the alien and the women! The alien needs the women to act as incubators so his species can survive. Along the way Ashley makes a wild assumption that even though normal ammo won't work, somehow shotgun shells stuffed with fragments of the meteor shard will do the job. Where he got this from, I don't have the faintest clue. At one point Louise tells Detective Moore to avoid eye contact with the alien so as not to be hypnotized. Okay, this movie is clearly making shit up as it goes. Anyway, the alien is dispatched by getting dropped into water that's on fire (don't ask, just keep moving) and Ashley, Louise, Detective Moore and Space Girl escape. Their celebration is short-lived as multiple alien meteors make their way into Earth's atmosphere. Who knows. Maybe they're enrolling in the Humanities courses at the college. </div>
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First, let me start with the positives. The alien looked pretty badass:</div>
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and so did Samantha Janus' constantly erect nipples:</div>
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After that it's all downhill. This was a remake of Kincaid's 1986 work, albeit, with far better looking women. At least Kincaid stayed true to the seedier aspect of the premise by implying that the alien impregnated the women personally. I guess Matthews wanted to take the high road and make a shitty b-movie with class. The first twenty minutes started off promising, even adding a rather gratuitous shower scene for good measure. The rest of the movie however is quite a bore. It's a tedious buildup to the eventual showdown and the payoff once you get there is definitely not worth the price. One other thing — Paul Matthews the director needs to fire Paul Matthews the writer. Here's why:<br />
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<li>Traveling by meteor seems really inefficient. How do you steer it? What if it crashes into a star? Speaking of crashing, how the fuck does the alien always survive? </li>
<li>What was the motivation for Roper to <b><i>not</i></b> tell Detective Moore about the alien? Was she worried about enrollment next year?</li>
<li>If the shard necklaces controlled whoever wore them then why didn't the alien put one on Space Girl? Was that his special side piece?</li>
<li>What exactly was Space Girl's purpose? She seemed to be able to come and go as she pleased. If she really wanted to escape why did she mockingly laugh at the cops when they found her then attempt to help one later? What the fuck Kadamba? </li>
<li>Removing the necklace from Louise brought her back to her senses but the same thing <b><i>couldn't</i></b> have helped the other girls because they were "already dead". Why? Was there a time limit?</li>
<li>Where did Ashley get the idea that the very same shards that gave the alien power over the women would somehow hurt him in exchange? </li>
<li>When the fuck did the alien suddenly become able to hypnotize anyone by looking at them? It certainly didn't work on the cops or Roper. </li>
<li>What exactly happened to the alien? The "water" was on fire before he landed in it. Why was it lit to begin with? Was it butane? Is that why the refinery exploded? It was established earlier with the "forensic team" that the alien was immune to explosions.</li>
<li>Finally, how did the alien species even survive this long if every time a new one is hatched it devours its parents? </li>
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Sadly, Kadamba Simmons would be murdered the following year by her former Israeli military boyfriend who believed she was possessed by demons. Simmons gained some notoriety in her native England for her high profile relationships with Oasis singer Liam Gallagher and boxer Prince Naseem Hamed. Guess she really had a thing for assholes. Janus, now Samantha Womack, would take her sensitive nipples and Cadillac ass and star in various British television shows. She can currently be seen as the mother of young hoodlum-turned-British agent, "Eggsy" in <i>Kingsman: The Secret Service</i>. As for star Todd Jensen, he seems to still find jobs here and there though it's clear his peak was definitely in the mid-90's. Kinda like me. <br />
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Zeehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17449809623201999845noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2442264192174795249.post-48847120910279437222014-10-19T14:10:00.001-05:002015-05-07T15:04:57.168-05:00The Werewolf of Woodstock (1975)<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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It's almost Halloween so let's get into the spirit of my favorite holiday by taking a look at a rare miss from Dick Clark who produced this steaming pile that is worse than the bad batch of brown acid passed around the same historical festival in 1969. Shot on video, this soap opera about a cranky lycanthrope's hatred of hippies and loud noises is so awful — and I mean awful in a "Why was this even made and who is the poor fucker I'm going to have to kill to stop this from ever happening again?" way — that I'm shocked Dick Clark didn't have every copy of this abomination bundled into a rocket ship and shot into the sun.<br />
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Woodstock has ended and Bert is still pissed off that all the rock-and-roll shenanigans took place in his back yard. He does what any rational individual would do to prove that his personal values are superior to these free-lovin', drug addled youngsters by demolishing an empty stage during a severe lightning storm:<br />
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<b>"I AM THE EPITOME OF SANITY!!!"</b></div>
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Not surprisingly, this does not turn out well. Bert is struck by a lightning bolt just as an employee of the electric company warns him about the dangerous storm. Fast forward an unspecified amount of time and Bert is bandaged from head to toe and is now in bed rest — in his own home! You would think with the severe burns he suffered that it would be more beneficial for him to stay in a hospital, but then again, <i>Werewolf of The Burn Center</i> doesn't really roll off the tongue smoothly. Inexplicably this charge of electricity causes him to become a werewolf. Unless he's some new form of goddamn Pokemon, I don't get the correlation between lightning strikes and lycanthropy — otherwise Lee Trevino would have been ripping the throats out of livestock years ago. Anyway, this movie goes through some serious mental gymnastics in an attempt to explain his transformation.<br />
Thrown into the mix is a beatnik rock band (starring a young Andrew Stevens) looking to record an album in an abandoned Woodstock shack in hopes of landing a record contract. How they think this will somehow transpire is never really hashed out. Signing talent is...like...so bourgeois man! On their first night, Dave (Stevens) chases off Beckie's dog who quickly becomes Bert's first victim when he emerges from his bed:<br />
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<b>Bert transforms into the next door neighbor from Goof Troop.</b></div>
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Thus begins Bert's reign of terror. Well, actually I would consider it more a brief period of mild annoyance. </div>
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Filling out the cast is Lt. Martino who is a caricature of every eye-talian cop, even going as far as including and absurd scenario where he's making homemade spaghetti sauce in the middle of the fucking police department. If only this was made a few years later you could have him scream "It's-a-me, Mario!" in every scene. Joining him are two "special youth" officers from Los Angeles, Kendy (which always sounds like "Candy") and Moody (Michael Parks - <i>Planet Terror</i> and <i>Deathproof</i>) which is quite a coincidence considering the exterior shots of Woodstock look exactly like Southern California. </div>
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Beckie, because she was born without a penis, is captured by Bert and held captive in an abandoned shack by a bridge that Bert used to retreat to when he was younger. This seems rather odd considering he didn't hesitate to kill her dog and issue this fatal beatdown of the local doctor:</div>
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<b>"How's this for out of pocket!"</b></div>
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Time is limited and so, apparently, was the budget. A plan is devised by Moody and Kendy along with a reluctant Martino to lure the werewolf into a trap by having the band play loud music while the police "hide":<br />
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<b>Nope, can't see 'em.</b></div>
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The ruse fails and Bert gets away — by carjacking a man's dune buggy!<br />
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<b>Another stereotype perpetuated on the Werewolf-American community.</b></div>
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Bet you didn't think there would be a car chase in a werewolf movie, didja! The movie comes to its anticlimax when Martino, who must have been a sniper, shoots Bert from the top of a power plant tower causing him to fall to his death. <br />
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<b>He died how he lived. With Adam Curry's hair.</b></div>
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<b> </b>I usually like to add a video to my reviews just so that the reader can get an idea of the film I'm describing. For some fucking reason I couldn't pull anything off this copy. You didn't miss anything besides some truly wretched storytelling. What makes this fucker such a humorless bore is the fact that it's played straighter than a NPR news report. You would think with a silly premise like this that they would have more fun with the subject matter but no chance. I'm sure that as soon as the final cut was in the can the director rented a motel room and hung himself. Nothing redeemable about this movie. You either get rocks in your trick-or-treat bag like Charlie Brown or a copy of this candy corn filled shit log. Come to think of it, either one is still better than the killjoys that would roll ten pennies in plastic wrap and hand those out for Halloween. Fuck those assholes. </div>
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Zeehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17449809623201999845noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2442264192174795249.post-42470659980700184552014-09-27T12:27:00.001-05:002015-05-07T15:05:11.920-05:00Supersonic Man (1979)<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Spanish director Juan Piquer Simon had quite the ambivalent career when it came to the type of films he helmed. Two of his movies, <i>Pieces </i>(1983) and<i> Slugs </i>(1988), were both hard-R gore fests that, in my humble opinion, Simon really seemed to excel at. Then there was his attempts near the end of his trade in what I can only describe as bland, vanilla-horror: <i>The Rift</i> (1990) and<i> Cthulhu Mansion </i>(1992) <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=psj-QXd2Wf4" target="_blank">which I addressed in length before</a>. <br />
<a name='more'></a>These films aside, Simon actually began his vocation directing cheap knock-offs of popular American pictures. One of these movies, the laughable <i>E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial</i> clone: <i>Los Nuevos Extraterrestres</i> gained popularity here in the States when it was broadcast on an episode of "Mystery Science Theater 3000" under the litigation saving title,<i> Pod People</i>. Which brings us to the kryptonite-filled <i>Superman</i> imposter <i>Supersonic Man</i>.</div>
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Not content with purloining the concept of one popular film, Piquer starts his movie a la <i>Star Wars</i> as our hero is introduced to the audience, asleep aboard his starship. The larceny perseveres when Supersonic's galactic gigolo — whose outfit seems eerily similar to The Flash's — uses this parting phrase to end his transmission before pimping him to planet Earth:<br />
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<i>"May the force of the galaxies go with you."</i></blockquote>
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Why not just go up to George Lucas' house and kick him in the balls? You would have been waaaay ahead of your time. Supersonic comes to life (he was dead?) and flies into deep space shown above in the credit snapshot instead of...I don't know, <b>WAITING UNTIL YOUR FUCKING SPACESHIP GOT IN THE VICINITY OF EARTH'S ORBIT?</b> </div>
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Earth's inhabitants, specifically the men, are "employing their intelligence in a most dangerous manner" like the assholes responsible for "The Big Bang Theory" or voting for the Green Party. The planet is in danger of being destroyed and Supersonic has been tasked with preventing it. He's warned to use his superpowers only "in discretion and when the truth requires it" — something our hero will toss right out the window. </div>
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Earth is, indeed, in trouble. The fiendish Dr. Gulik (played by b-movie god Cameron Mitchell who chews the scenery into a fine powder) has kidnapped Professor Morgan with the slowest fucking robot ever:<br />
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<b>"You're capture will commence in approximately forty...five...minutes."</b></div>
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The Professor's response when he comes face-to-face with this mechanized oaf:</div>
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<i>"What kind of tomfoolery is this?"</i></blockquote>
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Tomfoolery is better suited if a bunch of neighborhood kids kicked in his door and threw water balloons at him. A walking soup can that shoots flames is definitely in the "you gotta be fucking kidding me" category. <br />
Adding to the all-around oddness of this film is the fact that our "hero" is portrayed by two different actors. Former Tarzan tumbler Jose Luis Ayestaran as the titular Supersonic and Antonio Cantafora — sporting a mustache that must disappear during transformations — as Supersonic's alter ego, Paul:<br />
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By the way, every time Paul transforms into Supersonic we have to endure the same awful song complete with "flying" that probably inspired <i>The Pumaman</i> the following year:</div>
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Dr. Gulik's plan —whatever the fuck it is — needs the cooperation of Professor Morgan. In order to secure it he intends on kidnapping Morgan's daughter, Patricia. Here Supersonic saves her from a pair of Gulik's henchmen in far and away the goofiest scene in the entire movie:</div>
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Forget for a moment that Supersonic lifted a steamroller MADE OUT OF WOOD and ask yourself what exactly would cause their car to explode like that? Did they have a barrel of moonshine in the trunk? </div>
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The bulk of the film consists of Dr. Gulik's pompous speeches to Morgan who stands there like a teenager who just got caught drinking a beer by their parents. Gulik's plans are foiled along the way as Paul uses his questionable standards to try and get into Patricia's panties in between berating her on her Supersonic fixation. Paul is supposed to be this enlightened being sent to our planet to help us and yet he uses his moral superiority to totally fuck-up a bar by beating the shit out of half of the innocent patrons that just got caught up in a fight. During a dinner date with Patricia he actually transforms into Supersonic so he can STEAL A BOTTLE OF CHAMPAGNE: </div>
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<b>"Korbel? Fuck it, she ain't that hot anyway."</b></div>
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<i>Supersonic Man</i> at least seems aware of its ineptitude and doesn't try to play it too straight. A recurring theme between Paul and a bloodhound toting "Borracho" (Spanish for drunk) rallying against the evils of liquor wears out its tiring welcome quickly. Cameron's hammy performance as Dr. Gulik is made all the more enjoyable by the dubbed British accent given him. I would suggest a drinking game involving every scene that consists of Gulik's smarmy discourses with Professor Morgan, however, you would die of alcohol poisoning about midway through the film. Steal yourself some cheap booze and prepare for some super-sized cheese. </div>
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Zeehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17449809623201999845noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2442264192174795249.post-11396143179519933952014-09-04T18:39:00.000-05:002014-09-04T18:39:41.853-05:00Zeegrade Update<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Been very busy lately at work. It's hard begging for change at the Interstate on-ramp during these summer months. I use most of my "earnings" on Big Gulp refills. My ex-wives have demanded more alimony leaving me little time to devote to my movie collection — a collection that has been gathering quite a bit of dust these last few months. But fear not. I have recently gotten back into an old, bad habit and viewed a Superman knockoff from Spanish director Juan Piquer Simon (<i>Pieces</i>, <i>Slugs</i> and <i>Pod People</i>)...<i>Supersonic Man</i>!!!</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiZHJa_1zfQW15hVdkoudcTbr-QWv46LU4SrZfQbimwtqKmgSzrrIz_PupxceFMibTf6IKVZxnuKiPd9lW4YcfHqjKV62UgBdinA1zJazzPKvKbNci43gWU6LvFdjJkU0WFEvxQLT9Gq4iM/s1600/Supersonic+title.PNG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiZHJa_1zfQW15hVdkoudcTbr-QWv46LU4SrZfQbimwtqKmgSzrrIz_PupxceFMibTf6IKVZxnuKiPd9lW4YcfHqjKV62UgBdinA1zJazzPKvKbNci43gWU6LvFdjJkU0WFEvxQLT9Gq4iM/s1600/Supersonic+title.PNG" height="242" width="320" /></a></div>
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<b>The girls in high school used to call me...hey wait a second!</b></div>
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Yeah, that's a fucking action figure flying through space. See you real soon. </div>
Zeehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17449809623201999845noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2442264192174795249.post-61873385321115115712014-05-07T13:55:00.002-05:002015-05-07T15:05:28.232-05:00Curse IV (1988)<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhGI_B5F1stoRGufyQUkFJs2ja8cwELbYNIt0y7TypqTPjWkayWv1pChHwoYAHrr1Xu-Pts0yKQpbk4UrCC24tq29Vta1QzQPdlfwRen91Dvd3fI3PIu-9-EVH_3q7s8FWsnRsk3UF76mBa/s1600/curse+title.PNG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="236" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhGI_B5F1stoRGufyQUkFJs2ja8cwELbYNIt0y7TypqTPjWkayWv1pChHwoYAHrr1Xu-Pts0yKQpbk4UrCC24tq29Vta1QzQPdlfwRen91Dvd3fI3PIu-9-EVH_3q7s8FWsnRsk3UF76mBa/s1600/curse+title.PNG" width="320" /></a></div>
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I know what you're thinking. How the hell are there four <i>Curse</i> movies? First, calm the fuck down — I'm not the one responsible for this. Second, these four films have nothing to do with one another, not unlike the <i>Beyond the Door</i> series. <br />
<a name='more'></a>Besides, Curse IV was originally a film called <i>Catacombs</i> that was released in 1988 and doesn't make sense in terms of series chronology:</div>
<ul>
<li>The Curse (1987)</li>
<li>Curse II: The Bite (1989)</li>
<li>Curse III: Blood Sacrifice (1991)</li>
<li>Curse IV: The Ultimate Sacrifice (1988)</li>
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By the time <i>Catacombs</i> got a release here in the U.S. it was already 1993 and a decision was made to change the title and make it the unofficial third sequel to the original 1987 movie that was a take on H.P. Lovecraft's "The Colour Out of Space" and directed by David Keith, a.k.a. Jack Parkman:<br />
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<b>David Keith in: <i>The Joey Belle Story </i></b></div>
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For over four hundred years the Abbey of San Pietro has held a secret in the catacombs underneath the building. Besides the plumbing done by non-union labor they have, trapped within a cell, a demon that has possessed Thudarr the Barbarian:</div>
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<b>"There will be no Talos worship in our abbey Nord!"</b><br />
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The dude is locked away behind a door that has been sealed with a sigil. Fast forward to the Abbey circa late eighties where Elizabeth, an American teacher, has been invited by Brother Orsini to inspect the said catacombs. Her arrival causes a bit of a disturbance with the strictly male abbey which includes Father John (Timothy Van Patten — Salami from <i>The White Shadow</i> or as most bad movie fans recognize him: Max from <i>The Master I </i>& <i>II</i> featured on Season 4 of <i>Mystery Science Theater 3000</i>) who, like Elizabeth, is also an American drawn to the monastery for unknown reasons. Wouldn't you know it, a loose block from the wall covering the sealed door just happens to slide apart allowing one of the monks to remove the sigil form the fucking door! A bad case of nosebleeds ensues.<br />
This is rather an eccentric cast that populate the Abbey. One of the monks listens to soccer matches on his Walkman while Brother Timothy "adopted" an attractive farmer's daughter named Antonia who has premonitions of the future. Brother Timothy uses this time to introduce Elizabeth to one of his favorite local sayings:<br />
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"The devil can touch you and leave his mark, just so long as he doesn't steal your soul."</blockquote>
What the fuck? What kinda fucked up town are you living in where that creepy motto gains popularity? In what situations would you say something like that? "Hey Mario, there's not enough olive oil for my bread! Well, you know Luigi, the devil can touch you..." Anyway, Antonia storms off after telling Brother Timothy that somebody will die today. She's right. The dickhead monk that removed the sigil "God's light" is held against his will in what appears to be a freshly dug grave and is buried alive:<br />
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<b>The irony was not lost on the monk that his favorite game was Dig Dug.</b></div>
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<b> </b>Some details are gathered during a conversation between Brother Orsini and Father John. Seems John has been experiencing a crisis of faith and is looking for a purpose before continuing with the Lord's work. Give yourself about forty-five minutes John. Elizabeth and John finally meet after she walks into the monk's dining room causing a bronze cross to fall off a shelf. The introduction is short lived when Orsini arrives to take Elizabeth to where the Abbey miracle took place. Something finally smashes through the wall during a fire-and-brimstone sermon from the humorless prick, Brother Marinus. Orsini and Elizabeth arrive in the miracle room:</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhEhXgaZ1RoP41hpneaxQJSNaS5QiAeVMMrWDyxhhG9ZgvwIeLOk-KZPcT5gezEm52AsLZMbJWH7DyT4C4YjlegXQus3SMvo2jasbAEUy1NppXm0c8Bpgo7BYyUGxo6w_x0OBrdcsw105rc/s1600/miracle.PNG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="241" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhEhXgaZ1RoP41hpneaxQJSNaS5QiAeVMMrWDyxhhG9ZgvwIeLOk-KZPcT5gezEm52AsLZMbJWH7DyT4C4YjlegXQus3SMvo2jasbAEUy1NppXm0c8Bpgo7BYyUGxo6w_x0OBrdcsw105rc/s1600/miracle.PNG" width="320" /></a></div>
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<b>"Why yes, it is disturbingly life-like!"</b></div>
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More on our third guest later. This "catacomb chapel" was the site of where the first Prior had his sight restored by a bright light which would defy any scientific explanations since they are far under the church. Orsini remarks that the other brothers don't like coming down into this room. Yeah, no shit. He gives Elizabeth a cross necklace to wear that inspires serenity. This movie inspires serenity so much I need nap. Brother Marinus brings to Orsini's attention that the sigil that kept the demon locked away is missing and that it will certainly make its way to the catacomb chapel. Orsini remains skeptical about the Abbey's tale of a locked demon in the catacombs.<br />
John keeps company with Brother Terrel who is literally on his death bed. Terrell admits that he wishes that he had sex when he was sixteen to a girl Dolores he really liked. Instead, he looks forward to — and I'm not fucking with you — "great sex with God" upon his days in the afterlife. Wow. Orsini is down in the catacombs when he hears demonic bellowing in the distance. He's brought to the now open cell of the demon, a skeleton still shackled to the wall, when suddenly he receives two deep scratches on his face. As he stumbles out of the cell he sees a double of himself floating dead on top of the tiny catacomb stream. He falls dead of a heart attack. With Orsini dead Marinus immediately assumes the mantle of Brother Superior. Not surprisingly, he's a total cunt.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj1PhKrhbEbTIBzmQxidM9mESE3Jt4rGxb4faxcZa494r-cKDxp2Z4QWUGGQC5Rnqk7VOhTD1BEFXQPQd9bq3SaeGVnjAA2u3VI6GxhuTh7I-1XakqGLedIu0qNIkBpZ9ngutlFv9y8xfW9/s1600/Marinus.PNG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj1PhKrhbEbTIBzmQxidM9mESE3Jt4rGxb4faxcZa494r-cKDxp2Z4QWUGGQC5Rnqk7VOhTD1BEFXQPQd9bq3SaeGVnjAA2u3VI6GxhuTh7I-1XakqGLedIu0qNIkBpZ9ngutlFv9y8xfW9/s1600/Marinus.PNG" width="320" /></a></div>
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<b>"Tea is for heretics and fags!"</b></div>
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John and Elizabeth visit Antonia and she tells them something in Italian. John does his best to explain the translation that one of them has been touched by the devil and the other will die. Good morning to you too sweetheart. Brother Timothy retreats to the catacomb chapel to indulge in a Snickers bar — again, I'm not fucking with you. That must have been the final straw because, in one of the most bizarre and ballsy scenes ever, Jesus comes to life to murder the chocolate loving monk!</div>
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<iframe allowfullscreen='allowfullscreen' webkitallowfullscreen='webkitallowfullscreen' mozallowfullscreen='mozallowfullscreen' width='320' height='266' src='https://www.blogger.com/video.g?token=AD6v5dyWpnfpCAYF5r-NoUYMGYTReobUb8qubqj9ohV3-0gU33IXE7kMFD56HtwzX2XGuunVPLkZyE1Ki5zB_nedkA' class='b-hbp-video b-uploaded' frameborder='0'></iframe></div>
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If you're gonna die for a candy bar at least make it a PayDay. Marinus moves quickly to bar Elizabeth from the Abbey. He meets with John and confides with him the secret of the demon sealed in the catacombs of the Abbey. Marinus takes him to the door that was originally sealed and requests that John aid him in the exorcism ceremony that took place four hundred years ago. John doesn't appear to believe him and wants no part of it. Marnius visits the burial chamber where the skeletons laugh at him. </div>
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John goes to see Brother Terrel when he finds him missing. A monk tells him that Marinus brought him down to the catacombs. John finds Terrel lying on a sacrificial stone. He tells John that he's dying and might be having sex with God soon. This fucking guy won't stop! Terrel warns John that Marinus has become corrupted and before he can finish that very monk stabs him in the back. John wakes up back in his bed. He runs to Terrel's room to find the old Brother dead. Elizabeth returns to the catacomb chapel and finds Brother Timothy:</div>
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<b>He died for your caramel and nougaty sins.</b></div>
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Antonia trots her way to the chapel and finds Elizabeth kneeling in front of the crucified Timothy. When she stands up and faces Antonia her eyes are black as night. She laughs demonically and uses some sort of wind attack to knock Antonia unconscious. The demon then reiterates that women are not allowed here. Fucking prude. </div>
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Marinus chews the scenery with all his satanic battling gusto before John storms in and tells him to stop this at once. He makes his way down to the catacomb chapel where everything has returned to normal except for the demonic Elizabeth standing on the ceiling. The demon claims to be Satan which John denies. A wind attack gives him a bloody lip. He pleads with Elizabeth to not let the demon control her. Marinus enters with a knife made into a cross. Why would a church own something like that? The demon rips the knife out from his hands and then beats him to death with more invisible punches. John reaches for the holy mirror that restored the first Prior's sight but is felled by a couple of phantom punches to the gut. Elizabeth straddles on top of him and turns into the blond man that was sealed into the catacomb at the beginning of the film. The demon continues to beat John while mocking his faith. For some odd reasons he asks if John has had enough and when he answers yes, just sort of walks away without finishing him off for some reason. The demon looks at the lifelike crucified Jesus and suddenly remembers the exorcism four hundred years ago. He becomes scared and tells John no when the priest takes the mirror and reflects the "Light of the Lord" on him:</div>
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<b>Revved up like a deuce, another runner in the night.</b></div>
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What the hell was that? He had him dead to rights but decided to give him an opportunity to defeat him by leaving a priest next to a table with a bunch of holy fucking relics on it! You would assume the living incarnation of evil would be a little, you know, smarter. Anyway, the light builds brighter then fades away leaving Elizabeth alive and unscathed. </div>
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Elizabeth, John and Antonia leave flowers on the burial ground of one of any number of monks that died during this movie. Brother Timothy's "favorite saying" is played indicating the streak of gray in Antonia's hair as being "touched" by the devil. She walks away and John and Elizabeth enter the Abbey. One assumes, a very empty Abbey. </div>
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Not much to say here. This is definitely in the category of white bread horror. The violence is tame, there's no nudity and the only scene of worth is the murdering Jesus scene. There has never been anything compelling by Timothy Van Patten to establish himself as leading man material. This movie is no different. He's more a part of the boring collective whole rather than a single hero we can root for. This is strictly for <i>Curse</i> completists (if such people even exist) only. Being bored to tears does qualify as a curse though, so you got that going for ya. </div>
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<br />Zeehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17449809623201999845noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2442264192174795249.post-81161252322497424012014-03-22T18:40:00.000-05:002015-05-07T15:05:53.905-05:00Black Candles (1982) <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Also known as <i>Los ritos sexuales del diablo</i> (The Sexual Rites of the Devil) however, I prefer the title originally released here in the States:</div>
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<b>"So, this has nothing to do with Pottery Barn?"</b></div>
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Carol arrives in England with her husband Robert to find out the details of an inheritance after her brother's death while banging a hot broad way out of his league considering his male pattern baldness. They become the guests of Fiona, Carol's sister-in-law, in a spacious countryside mansion which tries desperately to evoke the same atmosphere of Spanish Gothic horror films of the 1970's. They arrive at said mansion where the power is out, allowing Fiona to give us what we've all been secretly waiting for:</div>
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<b>MAJOR SPOILER ALERT!</b></div>
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That's the extent of our titular items as they play no other part except as something to be stuck in one of the many bodily orifices that make themselves available throughout the film. Only the dullest of blades would fail to understand the crux of the film less the ten minutes into it. Fiona has pictures hanging on the wall that are reproductions of the demons listed in the 17th Century grimoire, <i>The Lesser Key of Solomon</i>, adding that she's interested in "only certain angles" of demonology and that many persons of importance have made pacts with the devil. She makes a comment about her brother discovering something before his demise but doesn't elaborate further. Robert seems unreasonably accepting of these odd decorations. Why not just have Fiona introduce herself to Carol as a Satanist that murdered her brother with black magic? I mean...what the fuck <i>Black Candles</i>? Are you that desperate to get to the nudity already? </div>
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This movie certainly isn't shy when it comes to full frontal. It's just too bad that most of these women are as comely as Satan's pockmarked ass. Fiona masturbates after watching Carol and Robert fuck through a peephole. Later that evening she has an inappropriate dream of herself walking through the woods, wearing only white lingerie, as her deceased brother follows:</div>
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<b>I can see plenty of bush...behind her.</b><br />
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As if the dream wasn't disturbing enough, Carol fantasizes that her brother — channeling Hunter S. Thompson in his sunglasses and cigar — takes their sibling love to the next level. A begrudging Fiona finally gives in and joins the family "reunion". <b> </b>Waking from the dream, Carol heads downstairs when she sees a bearded man staring back at her. Fiona convinces Carol that she must have been dreaming it and gets her back to bed. Later Fiona berates the bearded man who is not only a priest but...A SATANIC PRIEST! The priest goes into exposition about how they had to kill Carol's brother and blah, blah, blah. Less than twenty minutes in and any pretense of mystery is exposed faster than Carol's shapely breasts. </div>
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The Satanic coven — which includes Fiona and her neighbors — are a mishmash of petty thieves (the maid) and Snidely Whiplash baddies (the Satanic priest) that prove their devilish devotion by engaging in every combination of sexual deviancy you can think of. Lesbianism, sodomy, orgies and yes, bestiality. Seems the devil's secret to turning us away from God is goat cum. Here, the maid explains to some dolt why this specific jizz is so important to their unholy plans:<br />
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The goat fucking commences as the hot broad who was with Carol's brother the night he died is the unlucky recipient of Old MacDonald's harem of domesticated studs. Who the fuck thinks this kind of shit up? Fucking Europe, man. (<i>Shaking my head disapprovingly</i>)</div>
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There really isn't much else to explain here. <i>Black Candles</i> doesn't bother with building up any tension or suspense between the characters especially since the plot is fully revealed so early into it. Robert quickly turns to the dark side and the Satanists, when not screwing, engage in some of the most banal and frivolous conversations ever recorded. These are devil worshipers that not only gave up their souls but their backbone as well. Besides, does this look like a scary bunch to you?<br />
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<b>Brace yourselves for...SATANIC CUNNILINGUS!</b></div>
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<b>"Would you like some Earl Gre..er, I mean SATANIC TEA?"</b></div>
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<b>Do-Re-Mi-Fa-SATAN!</b></div>
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<b>"Knight to c3 — Oh shit, I mean SATAN TO SATAN!"</b></div>
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<b> </b>The coven plans to wed Carol to Satan on the Autumn Equinox. She's got a nice figure but, that mug of hers! Woof! By the time butterface is told the truth — the man that tells her gets a sword up his ass as punishment — you'll already have turned this off and streamed porn on the internet. For those of you unfortunate to stick around until the end you're treated with the lamest gimmick ending in the book: It was only a dream! See, now you got fucked too!</div>
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Zeehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17449809623201999845noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2442264192174795249.post-48384367321640630122014-03-13T12:56:00.000-05:002015-05-07T15:06:13.537-05:00Monster Dog (1984)<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhTgVP6KslVqJLzjC7UCbyaY1iNOhTq-Okw7LXOBvvhQgVchthYk4jPgybQJJl02_7dtXV9WrGUAX8-rVHOYcdas8dwG2qiqoTIqhLD37EUbgledMHc0iW6Tw3phgJ6poxk0Sucy8v-0_rv/s1600/Monster+Dog.PNG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="233" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhTgVP6KslVqJLzjC7UCbyaY1iNOhTq-Okw7LXOBvvhQgVchthYk4jPgybQJJl02_7dtXV9WrGUAX8-rVHOYcdas8dwG2qiqoTIqhLD37EUbgledMHc0iW6Tw3phgJ6poxk0Sucy8v-0_rv/s1600/Monster+Dog.PNG" width="320" /></a></div>
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The one thing about Claudio Fragasso that really pisses me off is that this talentless cocksucker thinks he's actually a competent director. This guy consistently churns out shit films, one after another, and if you ask him, <i>a la</i> his commentary on the <i>Zombi 3</i> DVD after he replaced the late Lucio Fulci, this wine-soaked hack actually thinks he <i>improved</i> the film when he took over! Troll 2 -- widely considered the worst film of all time -- was actually the piss-flavored frosting on his shitcake career. <i>Monster Dog</i> was filmed during his "prime" and by prime I mean Fragasso was at his maximum suckage level.<br />
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Starring Alice Cooper as rock star Vincent Raven who returns almost twenty years later to his creepy childhood home to record his new music video. For some inexplicable reason, his lines are dubbed over by another actor. Why? I guess Alice acquired a thick accent sometime in the early eighties. Vincent's house has been left under the care of the elder Joss? (it's hard to hear the exact pronunciation) that he hardly remembers what he looks like yet harassed endlessly for him to make malts. Joss is preparing a tray of sandwiches and orange Fanta for the arrival of Vincent and his crew when he's greeted ominously by this pack outside the front door:</div>
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<b>Which one is the Monster Dog! DAMN YOU FRAGASSO!</b></div>
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It isn't long before Vincent is stopped by a police roadblock due to the "mad dogs". What kind of fucking town is this? Shouldn't Animal Control be handling it? Is this Indiana? Sheriff Morrison lets them through after reminiscing about Vincent's prolific bladder (don't ask) and warns them again about the dogs that have already killed five people. Somewhere, Michael Vick is watching this movie with clenched teeth and both fists tightened so hard they start to bleed. As he's leaving the Sheriff reminds him that the town hasn't forgotten what happened to Vincent's father. Back in the camper, Vincent doesn't want to talk about it when asked by his girlfriend Sandra what the Sheriff was referring to. I'm just dripping with sweat from the suspense. Sheriff Morrison -- who's so fat that he could feed every dog withing a twenty mile radius -- and his deputy are mauled to death by this perturbed pooch:</div>
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<b>"Tell that motherfucker Cesar Millan he's next!" </b></div>
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After being warned countless times about mad dogs you would think that any interaction with them would be avoided at all costs, right? Well, that kinda logic is for normal people. Vincent hits a dog on the foggy road and proceeds to jump out of the camper to check on its condition. One of his crew, Frank, tries to console him by saying that it wasn't his fault. These fuckers are now responsible for seven deaths including the sheriff and deputy! Where's your sense of revenge? Before Vincent smashes the dog's skull with a rock, Frank sees what appears to be a bloody person walking behind some bushes. Turns out it's a bloody old man who tells them that now that the fog has lifted "he" will command the hounds and that they will all die. The crazy old man wanders back into the woods just in time to be seemingly killed by the dogs. Vincent goes off to fetch him, ARMED TO THE TEETH:</div>
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<b>Luckily, the Monster Dog's weakness was a loose hex nut.</b></div>
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The Monster Dog pops up and they quickly high-tail it the fuck outta there. Sorry old man. At least there's sandwiches and orange Fanta waiting for them back at the house! </div>
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The crew make it to Vincent's childhood home and they all act as if they're not being hunted by pack of murderous dogs. Vincent wanders the house looking for Joss who is nowhere to be found. Vincent sees that it's a full moon (gasp!) and investigates the house again after he grabs a shotgun that is covered in so much cobweb that it must have been left there during the Bronze Age. Vincent explores the large house and I'm suddenly reminded of a certain survival horror game:</div>
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In the meantime while the rest of the crew stuff their faces, Angela has a strange feeling that the warning the old man told them was right and that they are in danger staying here. Later that evening she has a vivid dream (her t-shirt has "DREAM" emblazoned on it) where she wakes up next to the corpses of her friends and the old man chasing her through the house telling her that Vincent will kill her. She doesn't believe him and searches for Vincent whom she finds in a rocking chair facing away from her. When she places her hand on his shoulder he hops up and reveals his face:</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj44x3CXG6hojE-tnwuxlW4VysU8ko50wQ3Mc1kk-1_1jOPVBTP2roqpq4D62HKokLHtcLqUy4aj1mMV6ZB-FU-Bq6JA5l1eIe5dpouOjrqDcsN-rY-BWPPbKTwKdzzfL1qLdzLzEVpn3vz/s1600/Dogface.PNG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="239" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj44x3CXG6hojE-tnwuxlW4VysU8ko50wQ3Mc1kk-1_1jOPVBTP2roqpq4D62HKokLHtcLqUy4aj1mMV6ZB-FU-Bq6JA5l1eIe5dpouOjrqDcsN-rY-BWPPbKTwKdzzfL1qLdzLzEVpn3vz/s1600/Dogface.PNG" width="320" /></a></div>
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<b> "Hey man, can I bum a square off ya?</b></div>
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She awakens screaming, waking the rest of the crew. When Vincent asks what's wrong Angela glares apprehensively at him. It was a dream. Didn't she read her shirt? Angela tells him that he changed into something and killed everyone in the house except her. Vincent asks her what he changed into and she replies "a werewolf". Judging by the pic above I'd say a werewolf with severe depression. Everyone has a big fucking laugh...except Vincent. </div>
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<b> </b>Sandra finds Vincent later that evening in the same rocking chair that Angela saw him in her dream. This time when he turns around he's still normal. Vincent is reading a book about the "scientific realities" of werewolves which provides as evidence a picture of Lon Chaney in the 1941 film, <i>The Wolf Man</i>:</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj6O-0XMrfvQoNcaL95Pg347xAjlea1e8PSl_tKiecZ2Xg3pRk-aQz2ytA_HqfVpR4E58w4qCFfqH1klpNSwqHctpT22NS4UCwYrZzkj2AlcIaiZLS6lbBEi7qPNYza3eNX5E1pRFyvxs-I/s1600/Lon.PNG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="237" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj6O-0XMrfvQoNcaL95Pg347xAjlea1e8PSl_tKiecZ2Xg3pRk-aQz2ytA_HqfVpR4E58w4qCFfqH1klpNSwqHctpT22NS4UCwYrZzkj2AlcIaiZLS6lbBEi7qPNYza3eNX5E1pRFyvxs-I/s1600/Lon.PNG" width="320" /></a></div>
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<b>Claudio Fragasso: ever the stickler for historical accuracy.</b></div>
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I guess all of the myths and theories dating back to the 15th century were too deep of waters for Fragasso to wade into. Vincent tells Sandra that whatever they saw in the woods when they went to look for the old man was anything but normal. She doesn't believe in werewolves and sites the fact that because he's a rock star and can board a plane and travel anywhere within hours as her proof. Hard to argue with a sound theory like that. Vincent decides to come clean and tell her that twenty years ago a pack of wild dogs with above-average intelligence killed a bunch of families. The town blamed Vincent's father for the deaths because of his "heart affliction" that caused him to go a little feral when the moon was full. It didn't help his cause when the townspeople found him covered in blood next to the mutilated corpse of a calf. He was murdered by an angry mob that stabbed him with pitchforks then set him on fire. Sandra heads to bed but not before looking at a creepy painting of a young Vincent and his parents accompanied by a beastly dog hiding in the bushes beside them. </div>
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On to more pressing matters. There's a music video to shoot! Vincent and his crew record the video for his song "See Me In The Mirror":</div>
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<b> It's like a gothic version of "Thriller" minus the molestations.</b></div>
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During filming Angela sees a bloody form pressing against a window that eventually breaks through the glass and comes crashing down onto the set. It's the corpse of the caretaker, Joss. The rest of the crew go upstairs to investigate leaving a distraught Angela alone who sees the old man that has been haunting her in her dreams. She wanders outside the house. Vincent elects to go look for her while Sandra calls the police. Suddenly the lines are cut and a band of misfit townies armed with guns are looking to reenact the murder of Vincent's father twenty years ago:</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi0pAcG8MBwwwZuIgeCYus-l0H59Ii6Vlkf2I1YwOg4EEbyW2AU7H9QMVH_m_RfL7IfLf3ajuuz6E5rpgaHuV5srPQkZcHrl7A03hFzOiz0dI6Kw0iPnsTe2N0Wyq06UnUmpPiBc1nrSo75/s1600/Townies.PNG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="236" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi0pAcG8MBwwwZuIgeCYus-l0H59Ii6Vlkf2I1YwOg4EEbyW2AU7H9QMVH_m_RfL7IfLf3ajuuz6E5rpgaHuV5srPQkZcHrl7A03hFzOiz0dI6Kw0iPnsTe2N0Wyq06UnUmpPiBc1nrSo75/s1600/Townies.PNG" width="320" /></a></div>
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<b>The bane of any pack of intelligent assassin dogs.</b></div>
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The makeshift posse pulls up to the house as Vincent's crew packs to leave. One of the men tells Sandra that he knew Vincent's dad and asks if they could let them in until Vincent returns. Every word is dripping in sarcasm and yet Sandra still let's them come in. The cumulative IQ of this town must be below one hundred. A moment later, one of the men shoots the tire of the camper as the others subdue Vincent's crew. The leader of the gang tells Sandra that he has a silver bullet intended for Vincent's heart. She realizes that these are the same men that killed Vincent's father and the leader confirms it and adds that it was their mistake for letting his son go without thinking he would be a werewolf as well. Sandra still doesn't believe this despite the literal bodies of evidence she's encountered in the last twenty-four hours. </div>
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Vincent finds Angela crouched down in the middle of nowhere. He takes her back to the house while Angela tries to tell him about her vision. He doesn't listen. They arrive back at the house and the posse leader is waiting behind the locked front door with his pistol ready to shoot Vincent in the heart as soon as he opens it. They both bang on the front door for someone to let them in when Vincent tells Angela to wait here. One of the posse flings the door open and the leader shoots Angela in the stomach thinking it was Vincent. She dies in Sandra's arms. The posse pursues Vincent as the leader tells one of his men, Ed to kill the rest of the crew. Ed, of course, takes a simple process of simply shooting the remaining four crew members and decides to draw it out by speculating on the sexuality of Frank. Vincent is chased onto the roof of the house that consists of a chicken-wire fence enclosure. A pack of wild dogs makes it way back to the front of the house. Thankfully, Ed tells Frank that he has to kill him instead of just pulling the trigger and gives Sandra enough time to stab him in the foot with a fireplace poker. Frank takes the shotgun from Ed's hands. Frank stops Sandra from hurting Ed because "they're not killers". Obviously, neither is Ed. </div>
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Back on the roof, one of the posse turns around to find Vincent aiming the barrel of the shotgun at his chest. He shoots him. Frank heads out the front door to look for Vincent when he's mauled by the pack of dogs:</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhU9yzF_gNkTFZXYrda8tOXKhSJEbHTfkdIYKT7K-bAqZ5e3r6iejUUNWDChACj-kvkS8l4GPDtpkT7MUfRFmSTbz35FaLQ-p3DjTlr72BV6ARNnRbADaHbGjBh-2SmSS0PoriBd1g_8gi1/s1600/Frank.PNG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="238" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhU9yzF_gNkTFZXYrda8tOXKhSJEbHTfkdIYKT7K-bAqZ5e3r6iejUUNWDChACj-kvkS8l4GPDtpkT7MUfRFmSTbz35FaLQ-p3DjTlr72BV6ARNnRbADaHbGjBh-2SmSS0PoriBd1g_8gi1/s1600/Frank.PNG" width="320" /></a></div>
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<b> Frank never told anyone about his kinky dog fetish.</b></div>
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The funny thing is that the pack consist of a wide variety of dogs. It's almost as if Fragasso just rounded up any dog he could find and told the cameraman to focus on the German Shepard rather than the smaller breeds. It really looks silly. Back upstairs, Vincent gets the bead on another member of the posse. He calls to him and when the man turns around...HEADSHOT:</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiy2vuP9XHt0AqSWto6XxrTps0Ub7UZRj4BRMGxDBSf2xJXxyWDBwKlwgnJ1yJUjRWgdzOkCBjxNUnKrr0mK7LOVO7z1Ho-xZrVpB_SUtjQR5KPAstANk_qw5J56y-nqipjFdjB9LRM-T0P/s1600/Headshot.PNG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="238" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiy2vuP9XHt0AqSWto6XxrTps0Ub7UZRj4BRMGxDBSf2xJXxyWDBwKlwgnJ1yJUjRWgdzOkCBjxNUnKrr0mK7LOVO7z1Ho-xZrVpB_SUtjQR5KPAstANk_qw5J56y-nqipjFdjB9LRM-T0P/s1600/Headshot.PNG" width="320" /></a></div>
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<b> Vincent's shotgun only had a 7% chance for a critical.</b></div>
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The leader comes firing from a hallway and Vincent shoots him as well. Downstairs the pack of dogs swarm through the house and attack Ed who, in an attempt to defend himself, somehow manages to light himself on fire when he smashes a lamp into one of the dogs. Engulfed in flames, he drives through a window. Stop, drop and dive through a window? Frank is still getting mauled as Sandra tries to get a clear shot. The dogs stop attacking as a bloody Frank lay dying on the floor. A werewolf (or is it Monster Dog?) rips open the front door and it brought its own back-lighting:</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiOA4E92vIsAmDEWauJQX-MR7ER6VcEoTdL4DYYiUkbZa26mdgiJXuZ-YCREkwouwH_vzuCFgJqFQ0jbXzPwGfbliJF2loim38POlzyV8mjciy807SAtdrC-6LZbDIrg_3vjP-XMd82wQR-/s1600/Moon.PNG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="239" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiOA4E92vIsAmDEWauJQX-MR7ER6VcEoTdL4DYYiUkbZa26mdgiJXuZ-YCREkwouwH_vzuCFgJqFQ0jbXzPwGfbliJF2loim38POlzyV8mjciy807SAtdrC-6LZbDIrg_3vjP-XMd82wQR-/s1600/Moon.PNG" width="320" /></a></div>
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<b>Did the entire fucking moon follow him to the doorstep? </b></div>
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Jordan (a crew member I hardly got a name for) takes the shotgun from Sandra and opens fire. When he's out of bullets he decides to beat it to death with the butt of the gun. Sandra and Marilou (another inconspicuous crew member) flee upstairs with the dogs in pursuit. The werewolf or Monster Dog drags Jordan out the front door while Sandra and Marilou are trapped in a bathroom. The monster-dog-wolf-whateverthefuck smashes its head through the door and Sandra decides to go out in the hallway to stab it with a pair of scissors. Instead Vincent grabs her arm and tells Marilou to follow him. </div>
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The three lock themselves in a bedroom. Marilou accuses Vincent of being the Monster Dog (she actually uses that phrase instead of werewolf) because the beast and Vincent are never together. She starts pounding on his chest until collapsing into his arms in a sobbing fit. Sandra wakes up later that evening and decides to step back out into the foyer where she sees Vincent surrounded by the pack of dogs that seem to be subdued by his command. Sandra approaches him and Vincent is amazed that the dogs are all calmed down. Am I to believe that he of all people would be shocked by this considering what he knows about his own father? He tells her to wake up Marilou so they can leave now.</div>
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The three get into the car driven by the posse when Vincent discovers that there are no keys for the ignition. Vincent and Sandra go back to the house to see which one of the four bodies has them. Marilou is left in the car. Sandra finds the keys but Vincent is ambushed by the leader who, not only was still alive, but stayed in the same spot as Vincent shot him at! I assume he knew that Vincent would eventually return to him, no? Oh yeah, this is logic according to Fragasso. Sandra takes a risky shot with a sawed-off shotgun and kills the leader. They race to the car, start the engine and drive off. Sandra, thinking it's over, asks Marilou a question. After she's met with a moment of silence, Marilou's corpse leans over the front seat startling Sandra and Vincent. Suddenly, Vincent is bit by the Monster Dog from the back. </div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhYEVb8EDaNAwXZIUoO91gmIcktgu_A_4qlQC7D6Mx7riL37-swHd6V9Ad-4_c64PsNX9g6I9NZG6O32q5r0zMY4CSYP1zoTAZZQwVoOYUtFk4bI-tL42_BOonYTyG8-d5KLriB4EKzP4D3/s1600/Bite.PNG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="236" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhYEVb8EDaNAwXZIUoO91gmIcktgu_A_4qlQC7D6Mx7riL37-swHd6V9Ad-4_c64PsNX9g6I9NZG6O32q5r0zMY4CSYP1zoTAZZQwVoOYUtFk4bI-tL42_BOonYTyG8-d5KLriB4EKzP4D3/s1600/Bite.PNG" width="320" /></a></div>
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<b> Must of been hiding in the cup holder.</b></div>
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Come on! So, they didn't see this enormous fucking monster dog in the back seat of the car along with Marilou's body? Vincent yells for Sandra to open the door and jump from the vehicle. She does. A car crash is heard followed by a gunshot. An injured Sandra makes her way back to the vehicle which is flipped upside down. Marilou's body lays on the ground but Vincent is nowhere to be seen. She stumbles along until somebody grabs her. It's the old man that was harassing Angela and he tells her that Vincent's dad bit him in the neck and now that he bit Vincent, he will be the "new king in the house of the dead forever". Where in the fuck is he going with that statement? The old man keels over. I have to say that the more disheveled Sandra gets, the sexier she looks:</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgwuY41vmQGlaDdorO2nzN_wDov1mpR1WqLfBM_OfNzwp0hNsOKv54M0fKmXyN6TDT66C_J0fYZ8-CKIWfOSZf0cpLZEkL0Wg-cWsr9iJfFhrnMnodzoHbWd4HTkFpWFVRGF_X5EmKMeZrq/s1600/Sexy.PNG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="236" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgwuY41vmQGlaDdorO2nzN_wDov1mpR1WqLfBM_OfNzwp0hNsOKv54M0fKmXyN6TDT66C_J0fYZ8-CKIWfOSZf0cpLZEkL0Wg-cWsr9iJfFhrnMnodzoHbWd4HTkFpWFVRGF_X5EmKMeZrq/s1600/Sexy.PNG" width="320" /></a></div>
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<b>Milk my bone monster doggy style!</b></div>
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She finds<b> </b>Vincent who hands her the shotgun and tells her to shoot him before he transforms. Vincent begins to change into either a Monster Dog or Sloth from <i>The Goonies</i>. You decide:</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiT4B93TMsCiXmdqK2dZ-0aQwlnVOPWwL0AaGB5Y8PKk9m4bBkXLcWqX0m0GXd8sT9sOjyJZ5Iq2Y1qB-JjW6IzDCvPQJD7xtmeEMwbyDk54qXtUsPgcK578QurBO7j3ZQIxQuBUNh6X9HX/s1600/Fugly.PNG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="239" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiT4B93TMsCiXmdqK2dZ-0aQwlnVOPWwL0AaGB5Y8PKk9m4bBkXLcWqX0m0GXd8sT9sOjyJZ5Iq2Y1qB-JjW6IzDCvPQJD7xtmeEMwbyDk54qXtUsPgcK578QurBO7j3ZQIxQuBUNh6X9HX/s1600/Fugly.PNG" width="320" /></a></div>
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<b>"I needz muh Moutin' Dew!"</b></div>
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After watching him continue his painful transformation, Sandra finally decides to end his misery just as he's about to attack her. She collapses in sadness realizing that he wasn't crazy and knew all along about his family curse. A montage of the film follows along with the song "Identity Crisis" that accompanied the video at the beginning of the movie in case you forgot what you just watched for the last one hour and twenty-two minutes. </div>
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I understand that you need a certain amount of suspension of belief while watching some films but this one needs you to undergo a lobotomy to enjoy it. After all the abuse that the old man endured while as the Monster Dog I don't get how he could be killed by a single gunshot after he bit Vincent. If he loses his power by biting another person in the neck then, by that very reasoning, wouldn't Vincent still be alive after Sandra shot him? Whatever. Alice Cooper does a pretty competent job for a first-timer and the dubbing somehow makes it work. I guess the reason why this is dubbed is that originally the film was released specifically for a Spanish audience, titled <i>Leviatan</i>: </div>
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<b> </b>When it was released on the VHS market here in the States the original dialogue was missing, hence the dubbed Alice Cooper. I also enjoyed Victoria Vera that played Vincent's girlfriend Sandra. She has a natural beauty that becomes quite striking as the film proceeds. Vera would remain a staple of Spanish television well after this film. As for the film...it sucks. Scant gore, no nudity and not very muchi n terms of engaging storyline or cinematography. However, you wouldn't know it by reading the various <a href="http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0087616/reviews?ref_=tt_ov_rt" target="_blank">eight to ten star reviews</a> from the collection of ignorant dumbfucks that populate IMDb. This "Dog" should immediately be put down...and Fragasso too while I think about it. </div>
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Zeehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17449809623201999845noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2442264192174795249.post-37080561406676987792014-02-09T16:18:00.001-06:002015-05-07T15:06:36.847-05:00Attack of the Beast Creatures (1985)<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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At least Obelisk Motion Pictures showed some introspection and made this their one and only film. I don't get the fascination with the word "obelisk" as that's also the name of the lifeboat that carries our survivors somewhere in the North Atlantic in 1920. It doesn't help that the beginning credits are interspersed between the incessant bitching and moaning aboard the Obelisk.<br />
<a name='more'></a> One credit caught my eye that caused me to wonder where their priorities lie...</div>
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<b>FUCK YEAH!!!</b><br />
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<b> </b>I'm not sure if the sun didn't work during filming or if they smeared tar over the camera but this is one of the darkest movies ever. How do you fuck this up considering there isn't even a cloud in the sky? Anyway, the S.S.Dildo washes ashore where they are immediately spied upon by the tiny inhabitants: the eponymous "beast creatures" which seems kinda redundant if you ask me. After a dopey twat accidentally mistakes Mr. Bruin as being dead the rest of the passengers make an attempt to go inland to find water for the sick man. Despite the fact that there are ten people on this boat the characters are so vanilla except the selfish old prick, Mr. Morgan, I can't really establish who I should be pulling for to survive. Hey, fuckit! Kill 'em all for all I care! And I don't. If ever there was a scene to describe the bulk of the film, it's this:</div>
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Are you riveted? They should have named this <i>Island of Perpetual Hiking</i> instead. How fucking hard is it to establish that they are making their way inland? Probably a few seconds, no? And what's up with that fucking music? Watch in amazement as our heroes walk slowly through a Connecticut forest preserve! Thrill as they troll public restrooms looking for homosexual sex! See Mr. Morgan get sodomized with a tree branch! This reminds me of another movie I absolutely loathed called <i>Slashed Dreams</i> that substituted hiking as filler throughout the film. I addressed it long ago on a video <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gPZM8H1EUY8" target="_blank">here</a>. After what seems like centuries one of the cardboard cutout actors discovers a little stream. When he sticks his face in to take a drink it's immediately burned off:</div>
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<b>Finally, no more hiking! Sweet death embrace me!</b></div>
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Looks like a possible case of Wisconsin well water. One down, I have no fucking clue how many left. The remaining survivors don't seem too heartbroken over the death but ironically a fight breaks out over who should pick berries. Go figure. They do love their berries in this one:</div>
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<b>Attack of the Berry Pickers</b></div>
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I've seen concrete monuments move faster than this. After about twenty five minutes I figured out that John Trieste seems to have become the standout leader of this group (not hard considering the trees have more life than these characters) and if there is a said attack of any creatures it needs to kick itself in the collective ass and happen soon. </div>
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John and Case return to the boat to check on the dying Mr. Bruin when Case instead discovers a bloody skeleton. How they determine that this is, in fact, Mr. Bruin is not known. Maybe John has x-ray vision. The pair decide to keep this grisly discovery to themselves, grab the supplies from the boat and return to the others. John must have short term memory because he tells Phil later that evening about Mr. Bruin's corpse eaten clean to the bones. </div>
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A staggering thirty-two minutes pass before I finally catch a glimpse of the supposed attack. One of the ladies on watch awakens Case when she sees these peering out from the woods:</div>
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<b>The inside of a theater showing a Tyler Perry movie. </b></div>
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Suddenly the sleeping castaways are being attacked by the tiny terrors as they seemingly drop from the sky. They really seem more a nuisance than an act of terror as it appears most of the survivors can easily pull the ankle-biters off their bodies and throw them. After suffering some bites and bruises, John tells them they should get supplies together and get off the island. Which brings me to my observation concerning these so-called "beast creatures".</div>
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When someone uses the word "beast" I automatically think something large and formidable like Godzilla or Chris Christie in a buffet line. An action figured sized nibbler is a lot less than a beast:</div>
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<b>Help! This squirrel is raping me!!!</b></div>
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The rest of the film's forty minutes follows the same formula. Hike a little. Get attacked. Hike again. Get attacked. They even throw in another acid bath. Director Michael Stanley's storytelling is like a drunk guy farting into a campfire. He definitely has a grasp of the tedium of island exploration though. In the end, John and Cathy are rescued off the island by two sailors passing by in a row boat when one of the men asks what where those things. The movie ends with John and Cathy staring down and saying nothing. Yeah, that about sums it up. </div>
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Zeehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17449809623201999845noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2442264192174795249.post-6604968635691292122014-01-02T19:58:00.000-06:002015-05-07T15:06:56.539-05:00Bell From Hell (1973)<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Run for your lives! It’s a percussion instrument from Hades! I wish I had some insight as to why this movie is titled like this--there is no evil bell terrorizing anyone--but there is plenty of praise heaped on this odd Spanish flick filmed near the end of Spanish dictator Francisco Franco’s reign. Ironically, the original director, Claudio Guerin, died on the last day of filming when he fell from a bell tower constructed for the movie.<br />
<a name='more'></a> Juan Antonio Bardem, uncle of Javier Bardem (<i>No Country for Old Men</i>) stepped in to complete it. This is an extremely shoddy transfer of the film with most of the dubbed dialogue almost inaudible. I’ll try my best to relate what I watched, so here goes…<br />
John completes a plaster cast of his face on his last day as a patient in a sanitarium. He believes was wrongly institutionalized by his aunt Marta (Swedish actress Viveca Lindfors, <i>Exorcist III</i>) in order to steal his inheritance. The gist of Bell from Hell is figuring out if John is pursuing his probationary release bent purely on revenge or if he is, in fact, mentally deranged. This film attempts to walk a very fine line when it comes to that, however, his actions, in my humble opinion, will appear to vindicate his aunt. He visits Radaghast the Brown who lives in the forest with a mute teenage. There, they trade cryptic barbs about the hand dealt John.</div>
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<b>Can you spot the filthy hobo?</b></div>
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John returns to the very large house he shared with his mother who committed suicide and one of the first things he does is get a job at a cattle slaughterhouse. He quits shortly afterwards, giving the ominous reason to his employer that he’s “learned enough”. Reminds me of my brief time working at UPS. <br />
John rekindles his estranged relationship with his aunt by scaring her guest into thinking Marta’s three daughters had died and that she’s been waiting for years for their ghosts to return. When his cousins actually appear in the flesh, emerging like phantoms from a foggy morning, the guest flees in terror. John’s attitude towards his three lovely cousins is equally murky. The eldest cousin, Teresa still harbors resentment towards him and in a flashback it’s insinuated that he was initially committed after supposedly raping her. So far I‘ve heard very little to make me want to sympathize with our lead. Esther happily greets John while the reserved Maria sits silently until John leans in for a uncomfortably long kiss. Before he was put away Maria posed for some nude artwork which adorns John’s bedroom to this day. Yeah, that’s not creepy. <br />
When your sanity is called into question the last thing you should do is confirm it by playing cruel jokes on the same townspeople that believe you’re insane. First up is a neglected housewife that John frightens into unconsciousness when it appears that he rips his own eyes out of their sockets as punishment for putting a microphone in her bedroom:</div>
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<b> The results of seeing Joy Behar naked.</b></div>
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He carries her into her house, removes her panties and places a note on her chest telling her that he couldn't help himself. Next, Don Pedro--the husband of the woman he just “raped”--is tricked into handling his penis as John attempts to urinate while he wears double arm casts. After he’s all zipped up John removes his arms from the casts and calmly tells Don Pedro that this was all part of a bet he concocted with Pedro’s wife. He adds that the note he left on his wife was only a joke too. This guy is about as complicated to figure out as a two-piece jigsaw puzzle. <br />
Back home in his basement, John prepares a gurney table as well as various medical cutting instruments while visions of his short time at the slaughterhouse are interspersed. He moves to a bed and then various chairs, rigging each one of them with tape for the mouth and rope to bind his victim. A sound system runs throughout the house playing an annoying version (Is there any other kind?) of <i>Frere Jacques</i> which John switches over to creepy organ music that he accompanies with his piano. This guy is quickly reaching Scientology-levels of insanity. There’s a ring at the front door and when John opens it his wheelchair bound aunt and three cousins are standing there. <br />
Marta makes a snide comment about having him committed for keeping the house exactly as it was when he uses this opportunity to ask her about some large transfers of money each month out of his account and to the institution with most of it going to a Dr. Junquiero. He asserts that she is basically bribing the hospital to make sure he stays there so she can have the entire inheritance. Marta dismisses the accusation and tells him it’s merely the cost of his treatment. She reminds him that his mother made her the executor of the will. As if on cue to prove she’s correct, John presses a key on the piano that causes the creepy organ music to play as he snatches a large candleholder and begins dancing with Esther. <br />
It’s clear that Esther is enamored with her handsome cousin and while they are in his backyard she asks him point blank if he was lovers with Maria. John confirms it. She then brings up Teresa accusing him of rape. He confirms that too. Esther draws the only conclusion possible and assumes that she must be next. In his defense, his cousins are all beautiful women, but they’re still your cousins dude! In the meantime, Teresa pushes Marta through the house when they enter John’s room. They see the nude pictures of Maria and exit it thoroughly disgusted. <br />
In a scene that could have inspired the gonzo performance of Marlon Brando in The Island of Dr. Moreau, the guests share a dinner table with all forms of wildlife as John feeds a monkey from a bottle. Afterwards while they are gathered in a room together, John goes into some exposition about how he ran away from his mother’s money and traveled through Europe. He complains that it was the rough treatment after he was found again by the lawyers and the psychiatrists that made him into the disturbed man he is today. John offers to give everything over to Marta if she would give him his passports and allow him to disappear. Despite Teresa’s prodding, Marta refuses stating that they would be held legally responsible should something happen to him. <br />
John wheels Marta out back for some small talk when the latter becomes sleepy. When she’s fully asleep John dons his beekeeper outfit, wheels his aunt by the frame hives, sprays her with something and lets the bees loose. He returns to the house and ties up Esther who believes this is just another of his games. She realizes something’s wrong when he tells her that in every tragedy there is an easy victim and she’s the one. Next, is Maria who is waiting for John, semi-naked, in his room. He violently attacks his former lover and binds her. Last is Teresa who is watching and old film of themselves when they were children. John accuses her of lying about him raping her. She says nothing. He then attempts to rape her and my or may not have succeeded. I really don’t give a fuck at this point. As she appears to be buttoning her shirt John knocks her out with the telephone. <br />
Naked, gagged and bound with leather straps on their hands and feet the three cousins are hung like cattle on a meat hook:</div>
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<b>Of all the scenes to skimp out on lighting!</b></div>
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Just before he is about to cut into Teresa's flesh, he has a flashback of cows being slaughtered. He stops what he's doing and starts turning over the tables and gurneys until the doorbell snaps him out of it. It's the Don Pedro's wife and she slaps John across the face for his prank on her husband. She asks if he really did rape her and John tells her no and that at midnight the next evening he will apologize to her husband. While this happens the girls free themselves and escape.<br />
John realizes his cousins escaped and runs outside to check on Marta. She's gone and somebody attacks him during and evening storm. In the next scene John is tied up and will be used as a counterweight for the new church bell. When it rings for the first time, John will be hung by it. Don Pedro completes a wall covering John from the outside. The first service to commemorate the new bell arrives and after some trouble ringing it, they finally get it to work. Esther becomes very upset.<br />
Don Pedro prepares for bed that evening when he sees a light go on and a shadow pass by a window in John's place. Not believing that John could possibly be alive, Don Pedro enters the house and sees what appears to be John playing the organ. He bashes his skull in only to discover that it was a plaster fake (so, he knew at the beginning this would happen?) and begins laughing maniacally. Suddenly, someone pushes his head into the fishtank and holds it there until he drowns. the forest hobo that John spoke with at the beginning is shown walking away from the property while the sound of John's motorcycle is heard driving away. <br />
If you look up this film on the internet, more likely than not you'll find a positive review waxing poetic about the Gothic atmosphere, stylized cinematography or the fine performances of its capable cast. I won't argue against any of these points except that it's too pretentious for its own good. What was the point of his relationship with the beggar in the woods? Why did he target Don Pedro and his wife when they had nothing to do with stealing his inheritance? How did he know to make a plaster mask of himself so many days before his death? Was he psychic? Again, the copy was horseshit and the dialogue almost nonexistent, however, I couldn't muster enough interest to care about John's mental state or not. Part of Mill Creek's "Chilling Classics" collection. Skip this one. Better yet, skip the whole fucking DVD it's on. <br />
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Zeehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17449809623201999845noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2442264192174795249.post-58780186154448437362013-12-28T15:31:00.003-06:002015-05-07T15:07:13.726-05:00College Bowl Season! - Ghetto Trash Apparel Bowl<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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It's college football bowl time and today is a match-up personifying the pinnacle of Assholedom: Notre Dame football playing in Yankee Stadium. I settled in to watch this useless bowl game sponsored by a company that makes ugly hats worn by gang-banger wannabes in the suburbs. Oh snaps! Do u playz 4 da Decepticons? <br />
<a name='more'></a>There are too many programs who struggled for mediocrity being showcased nationally now that seventy teams get the chance to play in the currently thirty-five bowl games. Considering that there are 125 teams in the FBS, more than half make a bowl game regardless of performance. There's no better evidence of this than opponent of college football's most overrated team in history. Here's some "highlights" that put Rutgers in a bowl game:</div>
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<li>A 6-6 overall record, <b>going 2-5 in its last seven games!</b></li>
<li>No wins against a team with a winning record</li>
<li>One of the six wins came against FCS Norfolk State who went 3-8</li>
<li>Finished 3-5 in their own conference</li>
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It's clear that Rutgers was pretty undeserving of a bowl game based on these results. To be fair, there were six other teams with only a .500 record that were rewarded for equally unimpressive seasons. My point isn't how bad Rutgers is but rather why such a school that bathes itself in "history" and "prestige" would accept to play in such a lower-tier bowl game against an inferior opponent? It's because the Notre Dame head coach, who is a purple-faced, student murdering cunt, needs to end the season with an easy win.<br />
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<b>"GET THAT FUCKING CORPSE OFF THE PRACTICE FIELD!"</b></div>
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It's bad enough these fucking frauds hacked their way into the BCS Championship game giving hall of fame cocksucker Nick Saban another title for what turned into a practice scrimmage against third-stringers but it's another to think that this team deserves to be part of the National Championship "conversation" year-in-and-year-out when it schedules fucking daisies like Navy and Purdue every year. Regardless of what I think, you would expect Notre Dame to blow the doors off of Rutgers, right? The score at halftime: tied at 13. A team that every year has one of the top ten recruiting classes in the nation, including a number three ranking going into this season, can only manage to score thirteen points against a team that gave up at least fifty points in three games this year. Not surprisingly the ESPN enablers came to the defense of college football's protected class and made every excuse imaginable for their poor play including the "not playing up to your opponent" bullshit. Notre Dame accepted this invite and they knew damn well who they were playing. The question is why didn't they accept another game with a team more their supposed caliber? It's because their 2-11 record in bowl games since 1994 proves to the college football world who they really are. Fighting Irish? More like Fleeing Chickenshits. </div>
Zeehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17449809623201999845noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2442264192174795249.post-5533459574938702402013-12-19T12:49:00.000-06:002015-05-07T15:07:29.492-05:00Santa and the Ice Cream Bunny (1972)<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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There really is no way to describe the visual pain that encompasses this incoherent dreck. Like many other b-movie fans, I first became familiar with this legendarily awful film thanks to <span style="color: #666666;"><a href="http://www.agonybooth.com/recaps/Santa_and_the_Ice_Cream_Bunny_1972.aspx">The Agony Booth's long review</a></span> back in 2002.<br />
<a name='more'></a> Reading about it and attempting to sit down and watch this is two entirely different experiences. This reminds me exactly of another film, <i>Monster a-Go Go</i>, which is made even worse as a stand-alone movie without the aid of Mystery Science Theater 3000's witty comments. It literally has to be seen to be believed. After finally securing a copy in 2003 I watched in slack-jawed disbelief at what is quite possibly the black hole of children's films. </div>
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<b>Florida has not received presents since.</b></div>
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Santa is left on the beaches of Southern Florida and supposedly abandoned by his ungrateful asshole reindeer. His sleigh is buried in approximately one inch of sand which must seem like an insurmountable task that is above his pay grade. What's remarkable is that something so simple as landing on a beach in a warm weather climate is enough to throw Santa's centuries-old routine into the toilet. After sitting on his ass and bitching to himself without ever once trying to get his shit together he decides to use his NSA-like powers to snoop in on the local kids' lives and put them to work in what I can only identify as some form of psychic slavery. Here, Santa employs some of his unscrupulous tactics through the song "Woe as Me":</div>
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<iframe allowfullscreen='allowfullscreen' webkitallowfullscreen='webkitallowfullscreen' mozallowfullscreen='mozallowfullscreen' width='320' height='266' src='https://www.blogger.com/video.g?token=AD6v5dxVqkOyBSg1RWkuyIp_jbOSuIuluhHpHDQmCMGkkitnrGCLh9WdZfc31VEWOYpO8WwgCRVlE27ItsYRVDxn7w' class='b-hbp-video b-uploaded' frameborder='0'></iframe></div>
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His song is heard by every child it seems within a five mile radius. Not only do they hear it, but they are frozen momentarily in time by it, including this future genius who is filmed jumping off a roof with a patio umbrella:</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhC3PxVsnf44WHT7Dyd4jPHx0QREyBUWWNfNzzq6WYvbo5V79vOumjqkDP6iQRlX4b7gw7ITlvAgcPIngsB5hP-1-8n3F9Mi9YFKbnLE0yVQRjd-LfczMt4MBwqtkVKzz8IorM37-syiw0I/s1600/kid+jump.PNG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhC3PxVsnf44WHT7Dyd4jPHx0QREyBUWWNfNzzq6WYvbo5V79vOumjqkDP6iQRlX4b7gw7ITlvAgcPIngsB5hP-1-8n3F9Mi9YFKbnLE0yVQRjd-LfczMt4MBwqtkVKzz8IorM37-syiw0I/s320/kid+jump.PNG" width="320" /></a></div>
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<b>"This seemed plausible in theory!"</b></div>
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Along with these two boys beating the shit out of each other:</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEifdXHwulaBaOr8Bz7xyCheSeB8UnR0zIKDTea9XV3wU1wsgcNZm-V_OMWBOM1vkD2jftee98XNkPFa-EqMlYcvLWPQc4fLcvHiwzLddYCMNhp44PcIdpvCqVmPUwp6pIJqIRLspAzOzg9G/s1600/kids+fight.PNG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="243" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEifdXHwulaBaOr8Bz7xyCheSeB8UnR0zIKDTea9XV3wU1wsgcNZm-V_OMWBOM1vkD2jftee98XNkPFa-EqMlYcvLWPQc4fLcvHiwzLddYCMNhp44PcIdpvCqVmPUwp6pIJqIRLspAzOzg9G/s320/kids+fight.PNG" width="320" /></a></div>
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<b>Santa declares: "Two kids enter, one kid leaves."</b><br />
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<b> </b>And Huck Finn and Tom Sawyer with the latter getting MAULED BY A RACCOON:</div>
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<b>"Just roll with it kid. Film ain't cheap!"</b></div>
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All the while the children are assembling a festive song is played in the background that sounds like a bunch of drunk kids blowing into kazoos. Not even ten minutes into this and I already have the pistol inserted into my mouth. <br />
The kids' plan is to try and find an animal to drag his sleigh out of the sand. Santa contributes an exaggerated yawn and some more complaints about making his deliveries. Lazy cocksucker. First up is either a man in an ape suit or a possible Florida State football recruit. Next is a stubborn donkey that the two children try to manhandle into position while Santa does his best Monday morning quarterbacking. Seriously dude, shut the fuck up! An extremely pissed-off pig follows after that, with no success. A girl arrives with a sheep and Santa JUMPS INTO ACTION: <br />
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<b>This has all the makings for a very dirty limerick.</b></div>
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While visions of sheep buggering danced in Santa's head, another boy brings a cow to his aid. It stands there like a statue instead. Santa playfully pats the cow on the ass as it saunters off. Can you imagine this fucker on Noah's Ark? You'd have every animal on the planet born with a white beard. Finally, a little boy brings what should have been the first--and only--animal to get his sleigh out. A horse. The kid is literally punching the damn horse in the neck, trying to get it to back up. PETA would be going absolutely apeshit over this movie. When even the horse turns into a failure Santa does the next reasonable thing and gathers the kids back around for...STORY TIME!!!<br />
Here, at the twenty-one minute mark, the movie completely changes gears. A teenaged girl, wearing an outfit made from a picnic table blanket, walks around an amusement park. After a montage of her riding some of the attractions she enters Hans Christian Andersen's "Fairy Land" where Thumbelina is playing. The teenaged girl enters the building and suddenly Pirate's World presents is splashed on the screen. Thus begins Thumbelina:<br />
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<b>What happened to Santa? I'M IN THE DARK HERE!!!</b></div>
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I'm not going into great detail on this part. It appears to me that "Pirate's World" held a contest and the winner got to be the star of this junior high level production of Hans Christian Andersen's tale of a pint-sized girl trying to flee getting raped by a scary looking amphibian:</div>
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<b>More evidence for David Icke.</b></div>
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Sadly, this takes up a whopping one hour out of the one hour and thirty-five minute running time! Wouldn't it make sense to call it <i>Thumbelina - Starring Santa Claus and the Ice Cream Bunny</i>? At least Pirate's World seemed like a decent amusement park while it was open. Kinda reminded me of a similar park that was knight-themed when I was young called "Kiddie Kingdom". </div>
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Santa relates the moral of the story to the kids, telling them to "never get discouraged" despite the fact that he has been doing just that the entire fucking time. Am I to believe that the kids sat for an hour on the hot sand and listened to Santa tell them the story of Thumbelina? My kids can't sit still for a whole minute let alone an entire hour! The kids start jabbering and a rather thick girl shows her dog to Santa. Inspiration crashes through the audience like a tidal wave and the children run off while Santa curses the sun for doing it's job. He strips off some of his bulky clothing and accepts dying of heatstroke when a siren is heard. Whipping around a corner at three miles per hour:<br />
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<b>"I'll be there in just under a week Santa!"</b></div>
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the Ice Cream Bunny has arrived! I'm not sure if he drove the thing down from Jacksonville or not but this slow ride is prolonged into another sight-seeing tour through Pirate's World. It truly is a bizarre sight to behold as this poor guy has to try and drive the vehicle, clearly not designed to carry all these kids, while wearing this goofy outfit. Would you trust your child in this scenario?</div>
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<b>"I'm tryin' to tell ya I can't see a fuckin' thing!"</b></div>
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The groupthink continues as the kids break into a song about helping Santa and saving Christmas from this monumental fuckup. Was there a chorus written specifically for this very occasion or is it just supposed to be something spontaneous? Either way it just seems kinda odd. Appearing from an odd time warp, the crew turns the very same corner I screen captured above. If this Bunny has ice cream, I have yet to see any. They finally complete their continental drift pace and arrive on the beach. Santa recognizes the Ice Cream Bunny, his "old friend". Then why didn't you call him in the first place! A very one-sided conversation ensues with the Bunny who, besides an extremely creepy wink of his right eye, cannot communicate at all. Perhaps he has prewritten messages stashed inside the ice cream he appears not to possess. </div>
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<b>Suddenly, <i>Batman Vs. Superman</i> seemed like a stupid idea.</b></div>
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What little dialogue exists is drowned out by a goddamn dog barking. The FBI would have a hard time trying to decipher what the fuck anybody is saying in this steaming pile. The narrator, whom is supposed to be talking directly to us, is the worst culprit of this. Was a rag stuffed in her mouth? Santa asks Bunny if they can make it in time and without given him a moment to contemplate the situation answers in the affirmative for him. The annoying kazoo band is back with their eardrum raping version of "Jingle Bells". Bunny starts up the vehicle and Santa pleads that he will <i>try</i> to get all the gifts delivered in time. Don't you think a special case can be made for these kids? I'm sure if somebody had to lose out on some presents this year it's those savages in the Middle East or those pagan Commies in China. Regardless of Santa's worthless promises, him and Bunny drive off, abandoning the very sleigh he earlier said he couldn't leave behind considering it had ALL THE FUCKING PRESENTS IN IT!</div>
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<b>"I left the what? I can't hear anything over the dual exhaust!"</b></div>
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The kids wave goodbye, along with a stupefied Huck Finn and Tom Sawyer, and return to Santa's sleigh. Adding to my perplexion, the sleigh suddenly disappears. The narrator mumbles something about it returning to the North Pole. Are you fucking kidding me? If it could return on its own all along then why didn't Santa just do that to begin with? Why is this the most retarded children's film ever? We have a one minute plot stretched out into thirty five with a completely unrelated story stuffed into the middle to break up your impending insanity. This is why people drink more during the holidays! I'll spare you the obligatory "coal for a present" joke and just plead that you avoid this movie at all costs. There isn't even any ice cream in it. </div>
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Zeehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17449809623201999845noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2442264192174795249.post-8308335012401775722013-12-14T22:41:00.001-06:002015-05-07T15:07:58.786-05:00Elves (1989)<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhGT_u529pb_V9RLUfg3SpRTlujAqzEU5SA88rVrg84D8nrD-WWvYmvVVUEqwXpCXMb-oOANNyF3HwCD4OZrR1oG8C419OtlDux2mke1Ii38uKrcnptyOzlYAJI-U4l9Ln_i_mhcyUEich1/s1600/Elves+title.PNG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhGT_u529pb_V9RLUfg3SpRTlujAqzEU5SA88rVrg84D8nrD-WWvYmvVVUEqwXpCXMb-oOANNyF3HwCD4OZrR1oG8C419OtlDux2mke1Ii38uKrcnptyOzlYAJI-U4l9Ln_i_mhcyUEich1/s1600/Elves+title.PNG" /></a></div>
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Sentenced to VHS purgatory, Elves is one of the nastiest films centered around the worst goddamn holiday ever. Kirsten and her two friends conduct a pagan ceremony in the middle of the forest dedicated to the "Virgin of Anti-Christmas". Thankfully, Kirsten provides us with a sketch, including that the inspiration for her art-deco boobs came in a dream:<br />
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<b>No SS bolts shaved into her pubes?</b></div>
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Their ritual is cut short when Kirsten cuts her hand on the glass bowl containing the candle. Her blood seeps into the ground, sprouting a tiny hand while the three girls unknowingly return home. </div>
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Kirsten's homelife is anything but pleasant. First, is her physically abusive German (hint, hint) grandfather who greets her with two slaps to the face. He owns strange, paranormal books and forbids Kirsten from entering the forest. Second is her evil cunt-of-a-mother who in over-the-top gusto, takes every dime out of her personal savings account as punishment for taking her grandfather's book. Her sadism doesn't end there, but more on that later. Lastly, is Kirsten's foul-mouthed pervert younger brother, Willy who delivers this incestuous zinger after spying on his sister as she gets out of the shower:</div>
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Sadly, we never get to see said tits. Later that evening, Willy is attacked by the elf or what our tiny gentleman described as "a little fucking ninja troll". Now THAT would be a great title! Kirsten runs to his aid along with her evil mom who thinks the scratches on his back came from Kirsten's cat Agamemnon. The next morning the crazy bitch throws Agamemnon in a sack, drowns it in the toilet and buries it.</div>
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Meanwhile, down-on-his-luck Mike McGavin--a tired Dan Haggerty (<i>The Life and Times of Grizzly Adams</i>) who appears to have stained his hair thanks to his chain smoking--is looking for a job and turns to an old acquaintance for work at the very store Kirsten works at. Lucky for Mike there's going to be an opening soon because the current store Santa loves oral a wee bit too much.<br />
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<b>"May I stuff your meat stocking?"</b></div>
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The degenerate Santa is taking a cocaine break when the elf stabs him repeatedly in the groin with a knife. Later that evening the elf digs up the corpse of Agamemnon and frightens Kirsten when it bangs on the window with the cat's dead body. When describing it to her grandfather, Kirsten calls it a troll. That's fucking twice now! I don't see any goddamn arrows and long flowing blonde locks on this bastard! Anyway, after Kirsten returns to bed her grandfather starts yammering about an elf to Kirsten's mother who informs him that she was responsible for killing Agamemnon. The spirit of Christ just oozes from this family. </div>
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<b>Dan Haggerty summed up in one photo.</b></div>
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Mike is offered the job of store Santa while engaged in a battle with Kirsten over whose-life-sucks-the-worst. Haggerty must have struck a deal in his contract that allowed him to smoke in as many scenes as possible. It's revealed during his break that Mike used to be a detective when he recognizes a rune cut into the floor not far from where the previous Santa was murdered . He was probably fired for attempting to smoke his partner. Back at Kirsten's home, her grandfather meets with a kraut and his two henchmen. The kraut spouts off about resurrecting elves and that Kirsten is the key to birthing the new order and that things are proceeding regardless of his feelings for his granddaughter. </div>
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After work, Mike goes to the library to look up what exactly the rune was that he saw back in the store breakroom. Of course, he's directed to section 666 which even he finds absurd. He finds two pages partially torn out and says something to himself about Fitzpatrick and Taft University. Kirsten sneaks her two sex-crazed friends, Brooke and Amy, to the now closed store thanks to the latch that Mike taped shut on an exit door. Mike returns to the store and his makeshift bed along with the elf. Joining them on their midnight excursion is the kraut and his henchmen who kill three douchebags looking to score with the girls. The alarm is sounded and dumbass Amy, thinking it's the guys, decides to greet them dressed in a white negligee:<br />
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<b>Amy's Secret: Pray he's not a boob man.</b></div>
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Kraut and his henchmen get on Amy's elevator and shoot her in the head when she doesn't cooperate. Mike's lucky day continues as he finds Kirsten amongst the gun section as the kraut arrives. While Mike trades shots with the bad guys, Brooke accidentally stumbles onto Amy's corpse while trying to escape on the elevator. This sends her into a panic and soon she comes face to face with something so silly it defies belief anyone would be frightened of it:</div>
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<b>"Don't laugh! Rudolph jizzed in my eye!"</b></div>
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The elf, minus the Santa hat now, stabs Brooke twice--instantly killing her. Uh, I'm no doctor but I doubt that is a automatic life-ender. The sound of the police arriving scares off the kraut and his henchmen. <br />
The next morning a detective goes into exposition with Mike about how he drunk his job away when he was a police officer. Did he roll up the alcohol and smoke it by any chance? He give Mike the obligatory twenty-four hours to clear his name and prove that that the elf he saw was real. The store manager arrives and fires both Mike and Kirsten. Mike takes Kirsten home and attempts to explain what happened that evening to her mother. Kirsten once again calls it a troll. Mike calls it a troll as well when he describes it to the grandfather. That's at least the sixth time it's been called that. Make up your fucking mind movie! Mike notices the same rune on a book underneath the Christmas tree. When he presses the grandfather for more information he's told to leave before the police arrive.<br />
It's Christmas Eve and Mike heads to the university to ask Dr. Fitzpatrick about the rune. Fitzpatrick tells him that these two-foot elves were originally saved by Noah and put on his Ark. The rune is actually an elvish symbol. As if their biblical rescue wasn't enough to swallow, Fitzpatrick adds that the Nazis were also interested in elves as well and that if he wanted to know more to contact Doctor O'Conner at his home. <br />
Back at home Kirsten thinks for a moment that she has gained sympathy from her mother but that devolves quickly into another fight. Kirsten wishes she was dead and her father was alive. Her mom responds by telling her that her father is alive...it's her grandfather. Yep, there's that Christmas spirit again! <br />
Mike arrives at O'Conner's house just in time for a Christmas Eve feast:<br />
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<b>"Do you mind if I smoke your tree?"</b></div>
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O'Conner is upset for being disturbed at his house but goes into story mode anyway. First, the Nazis tried to use the elves as tiny assassination teams. Second, and yes it get's more absurd, is they genetically altered the elves sperm to produce the master race. This can only be consummated on a Christmas Eve with a virgin. What a coincidence! Is this really an appropriate conversation to have in front of two little girls?<br />
Grandfather explains to Kirsten that the reason he impregnated his own daughter was part of the inbreeding program meant to produce the perfect female, namely herself. She still can't handle the reason and runs off to her room. Meanwhile, mom is having a mental breakdown in the bathroom.<br />
Mike is being followed when he goes to use the (what else?) car cigarette lighter. He bangs on the dashboard and then the glove compartment when a bomb falls onto the floor. He rolls out of the vehicle just in time before it blows up. The man following him inspects the scene and is blindsided by Mike. How does Dan Haggerty sneak up on you? After a few punches to the face, he tries to question him. He asks where Kirsten is. Wouldn't she still be at home where you last left her? The man doesn't answer and instead swallows something that causes his mouth to foam and then die. <br />
Back in the bathroom, Kirsten's mom gets into a bath. She's enjoying the water on her perky boobs and some music when the elf pushes the radio into the bathtub, electrocuting her:<br />
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<b>"I can't listen to <i>Blurred Lines</i> one more fucking time!"</b></div>
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Mike arrives at the house and determines that Kirsten's grandfather was a Nazi. No shit dude. Grandfather admits everything to Mike then adds that the apocalypse would happen if the elf impregnated Kirsten. The kraut arrives and all hell breaks loose. The henchman is shot, grandfather is shot and Mike tangles with the old kraut. Kirsten and her brother run into the woods. Mike is shot by the kraut's terminator henchman who's like eight feet tall. The kraut chases after Kirsten and Willy in his jeep. Kirsten goes back to the same spot in the woods where the film began. The kraut arrives and tries to soothe Kirsten by telling her how much he loves her...that is until he's shot by the elf. Kirsten gets her leg stuck in the hole that the elf originally emerged from. She sends her brother to retrieve a red crystal from their house that her grandfather said can defeat it. Willy returns with the crystal and it's up to Kirsten to figure out what to do. The crystal has a very sharp edge so the obvious thing would be to stab the little fucker with it. Well, logic is not this movie's strong suit and the ending proves that as she stabs <b>the ground</b> where the elf came from, all the while calling it a faggot. The elf slowly melts away in one of the the most obnoxious deaths in movie history leaving Kirsten and Willy alone in a snowy forest at sunrise. The credits role over this dandy:<br />
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<b>Abortions rose 1000% after this film.</b></div>
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Nothing celebrates the holidays like a film about incest, Nazis and a town where everyone is an asshole. This really is a film that wallows in sleaze and I love it. I do, however, have two minor complaints. First, if you are going to talk about "big fucking tits" I better get to see big fucking tits! Second, make up your fucking mind. Was it a troll or an elf? Seriously, it's not that goddamned hard. It certainly fit the troll mold except for the pointy ears. It's not like you absolutely <i>had to</i> title the film <i>Elves</i> anyway. Besides there was only one elf instead of multiple elves that the title implies. Dan Haggerty smokes so much in this movie that I believe I got lung cancer by watching this. Grab some spiked eggnog and enjoy. </div>
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Zeehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17449809623201999845noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2442264192174795249.post-87859414087915297142013-11-16T19:55:00.000-06:002015-06-09T21:05:35.743-05:00Wanda, The Wicked Warden (1977)<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjAfqV0GBKqJdXRWQ0ouGyhHXOZFKK04sQVq5HqFL3d8Yqmx4e_l38jsnAcAs6kwxal53MBtXk1jwYBdMhoh_QvHOmS_3aP2u1LmjyRvK1QxqDWhQ1z61E6DhWI9DdTsldieMJAzXs45_1g/s1600/Ilsa.PNG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="252" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjAfqV0GBKqJdXRWQ0ouGyhHXOZFKK04sQVq5HqFL3d8Yqmx4e_l38jsnAcAs6kwxal53MBtXk1jwYBdMhoh_QvHOmS_3aP2u1LmjyRvK1QxqDWhQ1z61E6DhWI9DdTsldieMJAzXs45_1g/s320/Ilsa.PNG" width="320" /></a></div>
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Take your pick: Wanda, Greta or Ilsa. Regardless of Dyann Thorne's moniker, this is an unofficial entry in the Ilsa series. Directed by well-known pervert Jess Franco, <i>Wicked Warden</i> is often referred to as the roughest of the Ilsa films. <br />
<a name='more'></a>You can count the seconds when a fully nude woman is not on screen. But let's get to the real reason why I watched this flick:<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjS_omPA63A4nq_28qHMbKbjLCfE68vOAyozjKKLYW5Ivydx8Olg63B3Pqin6_w14voENjiwDAS7rbkscQnypagZNWc5S1S0aYDTEXquJZmJmEqTNAWyAwMxZB1RUZXN6EoxV7zmhMop7eT/s1600/dyann.PNG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="247" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjS_omPA63A4nq_28qHMbKbjLCfE68vOAyozjKKLYW5Ivydx8Olg63B3Pqin6_w14voENjiwDAS7rbkscQnypagZNWc5S1S0aYDTEXquJZmJmEqTNAWyAwMxZB1RUZXN6EoxV7zmhMop7eT/s320/dyann.PNG" width="320" /></a></div>
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<b>"Ya know, I wasn't aware Dyann had eyeballs?" </b></div>
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This is your standard women-in-prison film unlike the usual Nazisploitation of the other Ilsa movies. Abbie (flat-chested with a bush so thick you need to drop a napalm bomb on to clear it) is searching for her missing sister Rosa who she believes is being held at an all-female mental hospital run by warden Greta and her Death Star size breasts. Abbie gets herself admitted by holding the sole doctor who works there (Mr. Sleaze himself, Jess Franco) hostage in his car with a gun to his head. Once she gets inside all kinds of vaginal based tortures begin. </div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi1b7qW_HE2fs5f8duF1FvjpAkh9-38j5oLNoS8OfSk16eWbtBohQcFISa3YMd5z6eYAbOe1bn2zWzOFiNlK_O-4E7t9VHV5m7-ZAkqv6cyX0LlD92re8YxN1fwgk2ULIQoebfGFBMBfynn/s1600/Ilsa+prison.PNG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="224" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi1b7qW_HE2fs5f8duF1FvjpAkh9-38j5oLNoS8OfSk16eWbtBohQcFISa3YMd5z6eYAbOe1bn2zWzOFiNlK_O-4E7t9VHV5m7-ZAkqv6cyX0LlD92re8YxN1fwgk2ULIQoebfGFBMBfynn/s320/Ilsa+prison.PNG" width="320" /></a></div>
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<b>It's been a whole minute! WHY AREN'T THEY NUDE?</b></div>
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Greta makes money on the side by selling 8mm films of the endless showers, tortures and rape parties with the occasional snuff footage to boot. Abbie is constantly bullied by Juana (the busty Lina Romay who looks downright prepubescent next to Thorne) who in the movie's most disgusting scene takes a shit and then demands her to "lick her culo":</div>
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Juana is also Greta's lesbian plaything. In one scene a nude Greta sticks pins into Juana's boobs, threatening her not to utter a sound. Greta meets her demise as her prisoners overpower her and eat her. I mean actually eat - as in sustenance - bringing to mind Franco's <a href="http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0086486/?ref_=fn_al_tt_1" target="_blank">worst movie ever.</a> As sleazy as this is, it's probably one of Jess Franco's most competent works. Dyann Thorne looks great with her usual blond shoulder length hair grown longer and dyed red. My copy is the X-rated version as lots of the shower fight scenes offer plenty of gynecological shots that were edited out in later versions. Supposedly, Thorne's husband had a clause in the contract that calls for no frontal nudity from his wife. What a fucking prude! Did he watch any of his wife's films before? If you're looking for a flick purely for female nudity then <i>Wicked Warden</i> delivers in spades. </div>
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Zeehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17449809623201999845noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2442264192174795249.post-40549555321170330942013-11-01T12:29:00.001-05:002015-05-07T15:08:29.796-05:00Demonoid (1981)<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhvzfX_Q6dj7sw0oetkXbKb6mBazGK7Wa61YcniDOuGKXoV0uBqhPI6uX55871CGa-QFO8vx9L6J2QNV17NY0ai4Z5smOjo3Ea4EA4rRSS3yVW43RlUGwAN3Rgz-Ajf8IEdekO2L3ya8iSF/s1600/Demonoid+title.PNG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="242" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhvzfX_Q6dj7sw0oetkXbKb6mBazGK7Wa61YcniDOuGKXoV0uBqhPI6uX55871CGa-QFO8vx9L6J2QNV17NY0ai4Z5smOjo3Ea4EA4rRSS3yVW43RlUGwAN3Rgz-Ajf8IEdekO2L3ya8iSF/s320/Demonoid+title.PNG" width="320" /></a></div>
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Fuck this movie right in its ass.I've had this one for a few years and it looked interesting when I saw the trailer. The first few minutes seem to confirm that as two dudes in yellow Klansman outfits chop the left hand off a blond broad with her robe torn open and her jugs shaking everywhere. Occasionally you get a flash of what possibly could be the devil himself:<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhsy00zCg5Bm8-V4j4ZjgMdioOfv93H3eq8-Pz6DjcTN7YDLaaQinhpc2VIltWeXav2lZcVUfJkFhyphenhyphenGDiYN5HYs9ylB-L0nPYoMRtrWcmONVMlDTUyejQJJE92cwi1Kb8dgKlDpH0-KHJN_/s1600/Demonoid+satan.PNG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="244" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhsy00zCg5Bm8-V4j4ZjgMdioOfv93H3eq8-Pz6DjcTN7YDLaaQinhpc2VIltWeXav2lZcVUfJkFhyphenhyphenGDiYN5HYs9ylB-L0nPYoMRtrWcmONVMlDTUyejQJJE92cwi1Kb8dgKlDpH0-KHJN_/s320/Demonoid+satan.PNG" width="320" /></a></div>
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<b>It's dangerous to go alone! Take this.</b></div>
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However, this is the most misleading thing about the entire film. There is no demon or devil whatsoever. The evil creature that is so terrifying that it must be sealed in a special case? A fucking demonic left hand!</div>
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<b>Where the hell do you get "Demonoid" from this?</b></div>
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The demonic hand is unearthed in Mexico by Mark and his wife Jennifer (Samantha Eggar, <i>The Exterminator</i>) who own a mine that is supposedly cursed. Mark is played by Roy Jenson (<i>The Gauntlet, Any Which Way You Can</i>) who physically resembles Tony Orlando in his heavier days. The most horrific scene in this film is a drunk Mark heaving his fat ass into bed with Jennifer. After getting possessed by the hand, which involves, I guess, absorbing into the other left hand, Mark decides to lure his workers into the mine and blow it up - killing them all. Now wanted for a mass murder in Mexico (I'm pretty sure it's just a fine down there) he does what everyone else would do and heads to Las Vegas to win big at the craps table. So far it seems like a win-win for Mark. A scheming couple try to rob Mark who kills them both and decides to set himself on fire just as Jennifer arrives on the scene. The movie then switches to part two of the film. </div>
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Jennifer is aided by jack-of-all-fucking-trades priest Father Cunningham (Stuart Whitman, <i>Guyana: Cult of the Damned</i>) in trying to track down this appendage abomination. In one scene Cunningham boxes a young and fit black cop who he suspects is possessed by the demon hand. He actually seems to out fight him until the unnatural strength of the hand overpowers him. That, or reality just sets in. One or the other. The hand jumps from victim to victim and after a silly car chase straight out of <i>"ChiPs" </i>finally possess Father Cunningham himself. With no help from Jennifer he calmly stabs his infected hand and without showing a hint of pain - blowtorches the fucking thing off: </div>
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<b> Jennifer! I <i>feel the burn</i>! Get it? Get it?</b></div>
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They seal the hand in the special case and dump it into the ocean afterwards. That is until Jennifer gets a package at her door. It's the hand (How the fuck did it gift wrap itself?) that manages to grab the back of her skull and have enough torque to slam her head into a glass coffee table:</div>
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<b>Wham-my!</b></div>
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The full title of this piece of shit is actually <i>Demonoid: Messenger of Death</i>. Besides the middle finger which it gave its audience, how exactly is a dismembered left hand a messenger of anything? Did it leave demonic post-it notes? "Don't forget, your dentist is a cunt!" Fuck that! After the first three minutes this movie becomes extremely dull and a little too serious even though the silly plot would allow them plenty of room to up the cheese factor. All the actors wrestle with the stupid hand like it was the most formidable opponent in history and it never strays from the straight and narrow path. No copping a feel? How about a demonic shocker for Jennifer at the end? Why am I the only one with good ideas? </div>
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Zeehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17449809623201999845noreply@blogger.com0