Zeegrade Reviews

Zeegrade Reviews
Movies for scumbags.

Saturday, December 14, 2013

Elves (1989)

     Sentenced to VHS purgatory, Elves is one of the nastiest films centered around the worst goddamn holiday ever.  Kirsten and her two friends conduct a pagan ceremony in the middle of the forest dedicated to the "Virgin of Anti-Christmas".  Thankfully, Kirsten provides us with a sketch, including that the inspiration for her art-deco boobs came in a dream:

No SS bolts shaved into her pubes?

Their ritual is cut short when Kirsten cuts her hand on the glass bowl containing the candle.  Her blood seeps into the ground, sprouting a tiny hand while the three girls unknowingly return home.  
     Kirsten's homelife is anything but pleasant.  First, is her physically abusive German (hint, hint) grandfather who greets her with two slaps to the face.  He owns strange, paranormal books and forbids Kirsten from entering the forest.  Second is her evil cunt-of-a-mother who in over-the-top gusto, takes every dime out of her personal savings account as punishment for taking her grandfather's book.  Her sadism doesn't end there, but more on that later.  Lastly, is Kirsten's foul-mouthed pervert younger brother, Willy who delivers this incestuous zinger after spying on his sister as she gets out of the shower:
Sadly, we never get to see said tits.  Later that evening, Willy is attacked by the elf or what our tiny gentleman described as "a little fucking ninja troll".  Now THAT would be a great title!  Kirsten runs to his aid along with her evil mom who thinks the scratches on his back came from Kirsten's cat Agamemnon.  The next morning the crazy bitch throws Agamemnon in a sack, drowns it in the toilet and buries it.
     Meanwhile, down-on-his-luck Mike McGavin--a tired Dan Haggerty (The Life and Times of Grizzly Adams) who appears to have stained his hair thanks to his chain smoking--is looking for a job and turns to an old acquaintance for work at the very store Kirsten works at.  Lucky for Mike there's going to be an opening soon because the current store Santa loves oral a wee bit too much.

"May I stuff your meat stocking?"

The degenerate Santa is taking a cocaine break when the elf stabs him repeatedly in the groin with a knife.  Later that evening the elf digs up the corpse of Agamemnon and frightens Kirsten when it bangs on the window with the cat's dead body.  When describing it to her grandfather, Kirsten calls it a troll.  That's fucking twice now!  I don't see any goddamn arrows and long flowing blonde locks on this bastard!  Anyway, after Kirsten returns to bed her grandfather starts yammering about an elf to Kirsten's mother who informs him that she was responsible for killing Agamemnon.  The spirit of Christ just oozes from this family.  
Dan Haggerty summed up in one photo.

     Mike is offered the job of store Santa while engaged in a battle with Kirsten over whose-life-sucks-the-worst.  Haggerty must have struck a deal in his contract that allowed him to smoke in as many scenes as possible.  It's revealed during his break that Mike used to be a detective when he recognizes a rune cut into the floor not far from where the previous Santa was murdered .  He was probably fired for attempting to smoke his partner.  Back at Kirsten's home, her grandfather meets with a kraut and his two henchmen.  The kraut spouts off about resurrecting elves and that Kirsten is the key to birthing the new order and that things are proceeding regardless of his feelings for his granddaughter.  
     After work, Mike goes to the library to look up what exactly the rune was that he saw back in the store breakroom.  Of course, he's directed to section 666 which even he finds absurd.  He finds two pages partially torn out and says something to himself about Fitzpatrick and Taft University.  Kirsten sneaks her two sex-crazed friends, Brooke and Amy, to the now closed store thanks to the latch that Mike taped shut on an exit door.  Mike returns to the store and his makeshift bed along with the elf.  Joining them on their midnight excursion is the kraut and his henchmen who kill three douchebags looking to score with the girls.  The alarm is sounded and dumbass Amy, thinking it's the guys, decides to greet them dressed in a white negligee:

Amy's Secret: Pray he's not a boob man.

Kraut and his henchmen get on Amy's elevator and shoot her in the head when she doesn't cooperate.  Mike's lucky day continues as he finds Kirsten amongst the gun section as the kraut arrives.  While Mike trades shots with the bad guys, Brooke accidentally stumbles onto Amy's corpse while trying to escape on the elevator.  This sends her into a panic and soon she comes face to face with something so silly it defies belief anyone would be frightened of it:

"Don't laugh!  Rudolph jizzed in my eye!"

The elf, minus the Santa hat now, stabs Brooke twice--instantly killing her.  Uh, I'm no doctor but I doubt that is a automatic life-ender.  The sound of the police arriving scares off the kraut and his henchmen. 
     The next morning a detective goes into exposition with Mike about how he drunk his job away when he was a police officer.  Did he roll up the alcohol and smoke it by any chance?  He give Mike the obligatory twenty-four hours to clear his name and prove that that the elf he saw was real.  The store manager arrives and fires both Mike and Kirsten.  Mike takes Kirsten home and attempts to explain what happened that evening to her mother.  Kirsten once again calls it a troll.  Mike calls it a troll as well when he describes it to the grandfather.  That's at least the sixth time it's been called that.  Make up your fucking mind movie!  Mike notices the same rune on a book underneath the Christmas tree.  When he presses the grandfather for more information he's told to leave before the police arrive.
     It's Christmas Eve and Mike heads to the university to ask Dr. Fitzpatrick about the rune.  Fitzpatrick tells him that these two-foot elves were originally saved by Noah and put on his Ark.  The rune is actually an elvish symbol.  As if their biblical rescue wasn't enough to swallow, Fitzpatrick adds that the Nazis were also interested in elves as well and that if he wanted to know more to contact Doctor O'Conner at his home. 
     Back at home Kirsten thinks for a moment that she has gained sympathy from her mother but that devolves quickly into another fight.  Kirsten wishes she was dead and her father was alive.  Her mom responds by telling her that her father is alive...it's her grandfather.  Yep, there's that Christmas spirit again! 
     Mike arrives at O'Conner's house just in time for a Christmas Eve feast:

 "Do you mind if I smoke your tree?"

O'Conner is upset for being disturbed at his house but goes into story mode anyway.  First, the Nazis tried to use the elves as tiny assassination teams.  Second, and yes it get's more absurd, is they genetically altered the elves sperm to produce the master race.  This can only be consummated on a Christmas Eve with a virgin.  What a coincidence!  Is this really an appropriate conversation to have in front of two little girls?
     Grandfather explains to Kirsten that the reason he impregnated his own daughter was part of the inbreeding program meant to produce the perfect female, namely herself.  She still can't handle the reason and runs off to her room.  Meanwhile, mom is having a mental breakdown in the bathroom.
     Mike is being followed when he goes to use the (what else?) car cigarette lighter.  He bangs on the dashboard and then the glove compartment when a bomb falls onto the floor.  He rolls out of the vehicle just in time before it blows up.  The man following him inspects the scene and is blindsided by Mike.  How does Dan Haggerty sneak up on you?  After a few punches to the face, he tries to question him.  He asks where Kirsten is.  Wouldn't she still be at home where you last left her?  The man doesn't answer and instead swallows something that causes his mouth to foam and then die.   
     Back in the bathroom, Kirsten's mom gets into a bath.  She's enjoying the water on her perky boobs and some music when the elf pushes the radio into the bathtub, electrocuting her:

"I can't listen to Blurred Lines one more fucking time!"

Mike arrives at the house and determines that Kirsten's grandfather was a Nazi.  No shit dude.  Grandfather admits everything to Mike then adds that the apocalypse would happen if the elf impregnated Kirsten.  The kraut arrives and all hell breaks loose.  The henchman is shot, grandfather is shot and Mike tangles with the old kraut.  Kirsten and her brother run into the woods.  Mike is shot by the kraut's terminator henchman who's like eight feet tall.  The kraut chases after Kirsten and Willy in his jeep.  Kirsten goes back to the same spot in the woods where the film began.  The kraut arrives and tries to soothe Kirsten by telling her how much he loves her...that is until he's shot by the elf.  Kirsten gets her leg stuck in the hole that the elf originally emerged from.  She sends her brother to retrieve a red crystal from their house that her grandfather said can defeat it.  Willy returns with the crystal and it's up to Kirsten to figure out what to do.  The crystal has a very sharp edge so the obvious thing would be to stab the little fucker with it.  Well, logic is not this movie's strong suit and the ending proves that as she stabs the ground where the elf came from, all the while calling it a faggot.  The elf slowly melts away in one of the the most obnoxious deaths in movie history leaving Kirsten and Willy alone in a snowy forest at sunrise.  The credits role over this dandy:

Abortions rose 1000% after this film.

     Nothing celebrates the holidays like a film about incest, Nazis and a town where everyone is an asshole.  This really is a film that wallows in sleaze and I love it.  I do, however, have two minor complaints.  First, if you are going to talk about "big fucking tits" I better get to see big fucking tits!  Second, make up your fucking mind.  Was it a troll or an elf?  Seriously, it's not that goddamned hard.  It certainly fit the troll mold except for the pointy ears.  It's not like you absolutely had to title the film Elves anyway.  Besides there was only one elf instead of multiple elves that the title implies.  Dan Haggerty smokes so much in this movie that I believe I got lung cancer by watching this.  Grab some spiked eggnog and enjoy. 

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