Zeegrade Reviews

Zeegrade Reviews
Movies for scumbags.

Friday, September 13, 2013

D'Wild Wild Weng (1982)


     Before TLC decided on giving these genetic abominations their very own shows midgets served two purposes: the objects of ridicule and alerting the master of Fantasy Island that the fucking plane arrived.  That is, unless you lived in the Philippines during the early 1980's.  Leave it to some smartass to make a James Bond knock-off and have as its star a 2'9" Filipino dwarf named Weng Weng as Agent 00.  For Y'ur Height Only was released in 1981 and became an instant success thanks to a country obviously populated by imbeciles. 
Anybody interested in b-movies has come across this film before and it's worth a laugh only to see Weng karate chopping bad guys in the kneecaps all the while banging broads that could use him as a human dildo.  When I found out that Weng made a psuedo-western I had to see it for myself.
     This fucker is all over the place. It's bad enough trying to pass the Philippines as the American Southwest but it's entirely batshit insane to think that Weng would be the "man" to bring justice to the banditos, ninjas and midget Indians instead of his hulking partner:

In the very next scene Weng was mauled by an ant.

While investigating the murder of the town mayor, government agents Weng and his giant sidekick Gordon, who literally carries him around in a fucking bag, meet Lupo - who had his tongue cut out by Sebastian's gang who not at all resembles The Village People:

"Do the shake.  Do the shake.  Do the milkshake.  The milkshake."

Lupo's lack of forming words doesn't stop him at all from speaking and inexplicably Weng and Gordon from understanding every fucking word:

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No, that doesn't get annoying at all.  During this scene Lupo goes into a flashback of the mayor getting murdered, his wife raped and him getting his tongue cut out.  This sends him into a traumatic fit to which Weng comforts him by saying "That's the way life is".  Really?  Gordon promises they'll "solve the mysteries" causing him problems.  These guys seem easy to stump.  
     Soon Sebastian is aware of "the man with the small boy" and decides to put the muscle on them but not before Weng displays his shirtless kung-fu moves on a blade of grass and sharpshooting in various wardrobes one must assume were taken from a Ken doll.  Along the way, Weng saves a woman named Clara from rapists ninjas and returns her to her father.  Next thing you know he's serenading her with Gordon on guitar and Lupo, uhh...watch for yourself:

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Clara and her dad get kidnapped setting up a fight at what appears to be the Michigan Dunes.  Weng dispatches all manner of badguys thanks to a gatling gun mounted on a golf cart:

Those mosquitoes never stood a chance.

This is one of the most bizarre battles you will ever see. Weng, finally face-to-face with Sebastian, literally pole vaults his ass to death.  Did I mention he karate kicks a piece of dynamite like fucking Pele?  Sprinkle your popcorn with some crack and enjoy. 

    

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