Zeegrade Reviews

Zeegrade Reviews
Movies for scumbags.

Monday, July 22, 2013

Sorceress (1982)

     Why Sorceress when there is no sorceress to be found?  Because Roger Corman asked a bunch of high school teenagers what would be a cooler sounding title instead of the more appropriate "The Barbarian Women" that director Jack Hill wanted.  Cheesy fantasy film that stars real-life twins and Playboy Playmates Leigh and Lynette Harris as Mira and Mara, the barbarian daughters of Traigon, an evil sorcerer who must sacrifice his firstborn so that the god Kalghara can keep the good times rolling.  What drew me to this film?  Swords, sorcery and:

The theater floor was a tad more sticky for some reason.

     The good news is the twins show their twins frequently.  The bad news is that everything else reflects the $23.75 budget Corman spent.  Mira and Mara are given special fighting powers by Krona, who appears more an Asian monk rather than a barbarian, via a momentary touch when they're babies and a shitty blue outline special effect.  That's it.  Fuck all that training noise, son!  Twenty years later Traigon is released from sorcerer prison and immediately continues his quest to sacrifice his daughters.  Krona has not aged well:

Master Moses teaches the Shaolin Tittyflash.

     After learning the truth about their father killing their mother - Mira and Mara are joined by a Viking named Baldar and an annoying fucking goatboy, Pando, who baas incessantly.  Along the way they recruit Deathstalker wannabe Erlick who gets to bang one of the twins.  The only semi-amusing scene is when one of the sisters is having an orgasm for the first time and the other feels it as well, which provides for this odd statement from Baldar:

How exactly would you KNOW it's Erlick?  Looks like old boy needs to close his drapes.  The finale includes, zombies, sacrificial virgins, an arm getting hacked off and the epic battle between the gods, Vitahl, a flying lion with abs and Kalghara, a uh, floating head of a fucked-up Mexican prostitute:

Still better than Avatar.

The movie ends with Erlick wisecracking about banging both twins as everyone then laughs like it's an episode of "CHiPs".  I'll be honest with ya'.  This is one film I actually tracked down because of the multiple topless scenes in the trailer.  Sharpen your sword someplace else. 

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