Zeegrade Reviews

Zeegrade Reviews
Movies for scumbags.

Friday, December 9, 2016

Black Devil Doll from Hell (1984)

     Back in the mid-eighties amateur filmmakers decided to avoid the costly middle men, hoist their own heavy camcorders on their shoulders and churn out movies themselves.  Thus, the "Shot-On-Video" period began which brought films like The Dead Next Door, Video Dead, Video Violence and The Woodchipper Massacre to local mom-and-pop video rental stores across the nation.  This opened the market up to, literally, any Tom, Dick or Harry that had zero professional vision or insight into the craft to churn out whatever the fuck they wanted to shoot.  Suffice to say, most of these movies were irredeemable pieces of shit that left the poor sap that rented it hightailing it back to the video store at mach speeds to demand their money back.  This scenario couldn't be stressed more in the case of Black Devil Doll from Hell.

Friday, July 22, 2016

Spoiler (1998)

"Spoiler was a great script, and as an actor I don’t want to play the same kickboxing cop kind of roles all the time —" Gary Daniels

     Therein lies the problem, Mr. Daniels.  Admittedly, I've only watched one of his films — the 1995 HBO abortion of anime cult-classic Fist of the North Star that reimagined ultimate badass Kenshiro as a mulleted white guy who is assisted by a former MTV VJ.  All snark aside, he seems like a very capable martial artists and he's had a pretty decent career plying those skills in multiple movies.  That's his strength and he should headline as the handsome hero who solves his problems courtesy of the business end of his foot.  Casting him as anything else is a disservice to both Daniels and the audience.  Spoiler — a derivative, Down syndrome version of Demolition Man — proves my point implicitly.

Saturday, March 26, 2016

Nicole (1978)

     Sometime in the late seventies, an obscure movie was made that told the tale of an arrogant millionairess who treats people like property until her curiosity wanes and they're ultimately dispatched by a murdering psychopath chauffeur.  Under most circumstances, Nicole, as it was originally titled, would have been forgotten quickly and lost to film oblivion where it most appropriately belongs, save for the fact that it contains the one and only nude scene of a young "Kathy Bach" who would reach the height of masturbatory fantasies of young men nationwide thanks to her portrayal of the scantily clad "Daisy Duke" in "The Dukes of Hazard" from 1979-1985.  Enter Troma Films, always scanning the celluloid gutter for repackaging, where they bought the rights to the only passable copy, renamed it Crazed and marketed it as the film with Catherine Bach's tits.  Well, it worked because I sat through this dull drama in hopes that I can save the next couple of unfortunate skin buffs from wasting an hour-and-a-half of their day that would otherwise be dedicated to internet porn.

Sunday, January 17, 2016

UFO: Target Earth (1974)

     If someone were to ask you, "Is there a mildly retarded version of 2001: A Space Odyssey that can cure my insomnia?"  Yes ... yes there is.  Filmed over two weeks around Atlanta with a $70,000 budget, UFO: Target Earth is one of the dullest science fiction films to disgrace the genre.  First time director Michael DeGaetano seems to think that merely pointing a camera in the direction of his wooden actors and filming asinine conversations is all that is needed to compel his audience to watch further.  Even more galling, there isn't even a fucking UFO in the movie!  Let's get this anal probing started.