Zeegrade Reviews

Zeegrade Reviews
Movies for scumbags.

Thursday, December 19, 2013

Santa and the Ice Cream Bunny (1972)

     There really is no way to describe the visual pain that encompasses this incoherent dreck.  Like many other b-movie fans, I first became familiar with this legendarily awful film thanks to The Agony Booth's long review back in 2002.
Reading about it and attempting to sit down and watch this is two entirely different experiences.  This reminds me exactly of another film, Monster a-Go Go, which is made even worse as a stand-alone movie without the aid of Mystery Science Theater 3000's witty comments.  It literally has to be seen to be believed.  After finally securing a copy in 2003 I watched in slack-jawed disbelief at what is quite possibly the black hole of children's films. 

Florida has not received presents since.

     Santa is left on the beaches of Southern Florida and supposedly abandoned by his ungrateful asshole reindeer.  His sleigh is buried in approximately one inch of sand which must seem like an insurmountable task that is above his pay grade.  What's remarkable is that something so simple as landing on a beach in a warm weather climate is enough to throw Santa's centuries-old routine into the toilet.  After sitting on his ass and bitching to himself without ever once trying to get his shit together he decides to use his NSA-like powers to snoop in on the local kids' lives and put them to work in what I can only identify as some form of psychic slavery.  Here, Santa employs some of his unscrupulous tactics through the song "Woe as Me":

His song is heard by every child it seems within a five mile radius.  Not only do they hear it, but they are frozen momentarily in time by it, including this future genius who is filmed jumping off a roof with a patio umbrella:

"This seemed plausible in theory!"

Along with these two boys beating the shit out of each other:

 Santa declares: "Two kids enter, one kid leaves."

 And Huck Finn and Tom Sawyer with the latter getting MAULED BY A RACCOON:

"Just roll with it kid.  Film ain't cheap!"

All the while the children are assembling a festive song is played in the background that sounds like a bunch of drunk kids blowing into kazoos.  Not even ten minutes into this and I already have the pistol inserted into my mouth. 
     The kids' plan is to try and find an animal to drag his sleigh out of the sand.  Santa contributes an exaggerated yawn and some more complaints about making his deliveries.  Lazy cocksucker.   First up is either a man in an ape suit or a possible Florida State football recruit.  Next is a stubborn donkey that the two children try to manhandle into position while Santa does his best Monday morning quarterbacking.  Seriously dude, shut the fuck up!  An extremely pissed-off pig follows after that, with no success.  A girl arrives with a sheep and Santa JUMPS INTO ACTION:

This has all the makings for a very dirty limerick.

While visions of sheep buggering danced in Santa's head, another boy brings a cow to his aid.  It stands there like a statue instead.  Santa playfully pats the cow on the ass as it saunters off.  Can you imagine this fucker on Noah's Ark?  You'd have every animal on the planet born with a white beard.  Finally, a little boy brings what should have been the first--and only--animal to get his sleigh out.  A horse.  The kid is literally punching the damn horse in the neck, trying to get it to back up.  PETA would be going absolutely apeshit over this movie.  When even the horse turns into a failure Santa does the next reasonable thing and gathers the kids back around for...STORY TIME!!!
     Here, at the twenty-one minute mark, the movie completely changes gears.  A teenaged girl, wearing an outfit made from a picnic table blanket, walks around an amusement park.  After a montage of her riding some of the attractions she enters Hans Christian Andersen's "Fairy Land" where Thumbelina is playing.  The teenaged girl enters the building and suddenly Pirate's World presents is splashed on the screen.  Thus begins Thumbelina:

What happened to Santa?  I'M IN THE DARK HERE!!!

     I'm not going into great detail on this part.  It appears to me that "Pirate's World" held a contest and the winner got to be the star of this junior high level production of Hans Christian Andersen's tale of a pint-sized girl trying to flee getting raped by a scary looking amphibian:

More evidence for David Icke.

 Sadly, this takes up a whopping one hour out of the one hour and thirty-five minute running time!  Wouldn't it make sense to call it Thumbelina - Starring Santa Claus and the Ice Cream Bunny?  At least Pirate's World seemed like a decent amusement park while it was open.  Kinda reminded me of a similar park that was knight-themed when I was young called "Kiddie Kingdom". 
     Santa relates the moral of the story to the kids, telling them to "never get discouraged" despite the fact that he has been doing just that the entire fucking time.  Am I to believe that the kids sat for an hour on the hot sand and listened to Santa tell them the story of Thumbelina?  My kids can't sit still for a whole minute let alone an entire hour!  The kids start jabbering and a rather thick girl shows her dog to Santa.  Inspiration crashes through the audience like a tidal wave and the children run off while Santa curses the sun for doing it's job.  He strips off some of his bulky clothing and accepts dying of heatstroke when a siren is heard.  Whipping around a corner at three miles per hour:

"I'll be there in just under a week Santa!"

the Ice Cream Bunny has arrived!  I'm not sure if he drove the thing down from Jacksonville or not but this slow ride is prolonged into another sight-seeing tour through Pirate's World.  It truly is a bizarre sight to behold as this poor guy has to try and drive the vehicle, clearly not designed to carry all these kids, while wearing this goofy outfit.  Would you trust your child in this scenario?

"I'm tryin' to tell ya I can't see a fuckin' thing!"

The groupthink continues as the kids break into a song about helping Santa and saving Christmas from this monumental fuckup.  Was there a chorus written specifically for this very occasion or is it just supposed to be something spontaneous?  Either way it just seems kinda odd.  Appearing from an odd time warp, the crew turns the very same corner I screen captured above.  If this Bunny has ice cream, I have yet to see any.  They finally complete their continental drift pace and arrive on the beach.  Santa recognizes the Ice Cream Bunny, his "old friend".  Then why didn't you call him in the first place!  A very one-sided conversation ensues with the Bunny who, besides an extremely creepy wink of his right eye, cannot communicate at all.  Perhaps he has prewritten messages stashed inside the ice cream he appears not to possess.  

Suddenly, Batman Vs. Superman seemed like a stupid idea.

What little dialogue exists is drowned out by a goddamn dog barking.  The FBI would have a hard time trying to decipher what the fuck anybody is saying in this steaming pile.  The narrator, whom is supposed to be talking directly to us, is the worst culprit of this.  Was a rag stuffed in her mouth?  Santa asks Bunny if they can make it in time and without given him a moment to contemplate the situation answers in the affirmative for him.  The annoying kazoo band is back with their eardrum raping version of "Jingle Bells".  Bunny starts up the vehicle and Santa pleads that he will try to get all the gifts delivered in time.  Don't you think a special case can be made for these kids?  I'm sure if somebody had to lose out on some presents this year it's those savages in the Middle East or those pagan Commies in China.  Regardless of Santa's worthless promises, him and Bunny drive off, abandoning the very sleigh he earlier said he couldn't leave behind considering it had ALL THE FUCKING PRESENTS IN IT!

"I left the what?  I can't hear anything over the dual exhaust!"

The kids wave goodbye, along with a stupefied Huck Finn and Tom Sawyer, and return to Santa's sleigh.  Adding to my perplexion, the sleigh suddenly disappears.  The narrator mumbles something about it returning to the North Pole.  Are you fucking kidding me?  If it could return on its own all along then why didn't Santa just do that to begin with?  Why is this the most retarded children's film ever?  We have a one minute plot stretched out into thirty five with a completely unrelated story stuffed into the middle to break up your impending insanity.  This is why people drink more during the holidays!  I'll spare you the obligatory "coal for a present" joke and just plead that you avoid this movie at all costs.  There isn't even any ice cream in it. 

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