Zeegrade Reviews

Zeegrade Reviews
Movies for scumbags.

Saturday, September 27, 2014

Supersonic Man (1979)

     Spanish director Juan Piquer Simon had quite the ambivalent career when it came to the type of films he helmed.  Two of his movies, Pieces (1983) and Slugs (1988), were both hard-R gore fests that, in my humble opinion, Simon really seemed to excel at.  Then there was his attempts near the end of his trade in what I can only describe as bland, vanilla-horror: The Rift (1990) and Cthulhu Mansion (1992) which I addressed in length before
These films aside, Simon actually began his vocation directing cheap knock-offs of popular American pictures.  One of these movies, the laughable E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial clone: Los Nuevos Extraterrestres gained popularity here in the States when it was broadcast on an episode of "Mystery Science Theater 3000" under the litigation saving title, Pod People.  Which brings us to the kryptonite-filled Superman imposter Supersonic Man.
     Not content with purloining the concept of one popular film, Piquer starts his movie a la Star Wars as our hero is introduced to the audience, asleep aboard his starship.  The larceny perseveres when Supersonic's galactic gigolo — whose outfit seems eerily similar to The Flash's — uses this parting phrase to end his transmission before pimping him to planet Earth:
"May the force of the galaxies go with you."
 Why not just go up to George Lucas' house and kick him in the balls?  You would have been waaaay ahead of your time.  Supersonic comes to life (he was dead?) and flies into deep space shown above in the credit snapshot instead of...I don't know, WAITING UNTIL YOUR FUCKING SPACESHIP GOT IN THE VICINITY OF EARTH'S ORBIT?  
     Earth's inhabitants, specifically the men, are "employing their intelligence in a most dangerous manner" like the assholes responsible for "The Big Bang Theory" or voting for the Green Party.  The planet is in danger of being destroyed and Supersonic has been tasked with preventing it.  He's warned to use his superpowers only "in discretion and when the truth requires it" — something our hero will toss right out the window. 
     Earth is, indeed, in trouble.  The fiendish Dr. Gulik (played by b-movie god Cameron Mitchell who chews the scenery into a fine powder) has kidnapped Professor Morgan with the slowest fucking robot ever:

 "You're capture will commence in approximately forty...five...minutes."

The Professor's response when he comes face-to-face with this mechanized oaf:
"What kind of tomfoolery is this?"
Tomfoolery is better suited if a bunch of neighborhood kids kicked in his door and threw water balloons at him.  A walking soup can that shoots flames is definitely in the "you gotta be fucking kidding me" category.
     Adding to the all-around oddness of this film is the fact that our "hero" is portrayed by two different actors.  Former Tarzan tumbler Jose Luis Ayestaran as the titular Supersonic and Antonio Cantafora — sporting a mustache that must disappear during transformations — as Supersonic's alter ego, Paul:

By the way, every time Paul transforms into Supersonic we have to endure the same awful song complete with "flying" that probably inspired The Pumaman the following year:

Dr. Gulik's plan —whatever the fuck it is — needs the cooperation of Professor Morgan.  In order to secure it he intends on kidnapping Morgan's daughter, Patricia.  Here Supersonic saves her from a pair of Gulik's henchmen in far and away the goofiest scene in the entire movie:

Forget for a moment that Supersonic lifted a steamroller MADE OUT OF WOOD and ask yourself what exactly would cause their car to explode like that?  Did they have a barrel of moonshine in the trunk?  
     The bulk of the film consists of Dr. Gulik's pompous speeches to Morgan who stands there like a teenager who just got caught drinking a beer by their parents.  Gulik's plans are foiled along the way as Paul uses his questionable standards to try and get into Patricia's panties in between berating her on her Supersonic fixation.  Paul is supposed to be this enlightened being sent to our planet to help us and yet he uses his moral superiority to totally fuck-up a bar by beating the shit out of half of the innocent patrons that just got caught up in a fight.  During a dinner date with Patricia he actually transforms into Supersonic so he can STEAL A BOTTLE OF CHAMPAGNE:

"Korbel?  Fuck it, she ain't that hot anyway."

     Supersonic Man at least seems aware of its ineptitude and doesn't try to play it too straight.  A recurring theme between Paul and a bloodhound toting "Borracho" (Spanish for drunk) rallying against the evils of liquor wears out its tiring welcome quickly.  Cameron's hammy performance as Dr. Gulik is made all the more enjoyable by the dubbed British accent given him.  I would suggest a drinking game involving every scene that consists of Gulik's smarmy discourses with Professor Morgan, however, you would die of alcohol poisoning about midway through the film.  Steal yourself some cheap booze and prepare for some super-sized cheese. 


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