Curse IV (1988)

     I know what you're thinking.  How the hell are there four Curse movies?  First, calm the fuck down — I'm not the one responsible for this.  Second, these four films have nothing to do with one another, not unlike the Beyond the Door series. 

Black Candles (1982)

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Monster Dog (1984)

     The one thing about Claudio Fragasso that really pisses me off is that this talentless cocksucker thinks he's actually a competent director.  This guy consistently churns out shit films, one after another, and if you ask him, a la his commentary on the Zombi 3 DVD after he replaced the late Lucio Fulci, this wine-soaked hack actually thinks he improved the film when he took over!  Troll 2 -- widely considered the worst film of all time -- was actually the piss-flavored frosting on his shitcake career.  Monster Dog was filmed during his "prime" and by prime I mean Fragasso was at his maximum suckage level.

Attack of the Beast Creatures (1985)

     At least Obelisk Motion Pictures showed some introspection and made this their one and only film.  I don't get the fascination with the word "obelisk" as that's also the name of the lifeboat that carries our survivors somewhere in the North Atlantic in 1920.  It doesn't help that the beginning credits are interspersed between the incessant bitching and moaning aboard the Obelisk.

Bell From Hell (1973)

     Run for your lives!  It’s a percussion instrument from Hades!  I wish I had some insight as to why this movie is titled like this--there is no evil bell terrorizing anyone--but there is plenty of praise heaped on this odd Spanish flick filmed near the end of Spanish dictator Francisco Franco’s reign.  Ironically, the original director, Claudio Guerin, died on the last day of filming when he fell from a bell tower constructed for the movie.

College Bowl Season! - Ghetto Trash Apparel Bowl

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Santa and the Ice Cream Bunny (1972)

     There really is no way to describe the visual pain that encompasses this incoherent dreck.  Like many other b-movie fans, I first became familiar with this legendarily awful film thanks to The Agony Booth's long review back in 2002.

Elves (1989)

     Sentenced to VHS purgatory, Elves is one of the nastiest films centered around the worst goddamn holiday ever.  Kirsten and her two friends conduct a pagan ceremony in the middle of the forest dedicated to the "Virgin of Anti-Christmas".  Thankfully, Kirsten provides us with a sketch, including that the inspiration for her art-deco boobs came in a dream:

Wanda, The Wicked Warden (1977)

     Take your pick: Wanda, Greta or Ilsa.  Regardless of Dyann Thorne's moniker, this is an unofficial entry in the Ilsa series.  Directed by well-known pervert Jess Franco, Wicked Warden is often referred to as the roughest of the Ilsa films. 

Demonoid (1981)

     Fuck this movie right in its ass.I've had this one for a few years and it looked interesting when I saw the trailer.  The first few minutes seem to confirm that as two dudes in yellow Klansman outfits chop the left hand off a blond broad with her robe torn open and her jugs shaking everywhere.  Occasionally you get a flash of what possibly could be the devil himself:

D'Wild Wild Weng (1982)

     Before TLC decided on giving these genetic abominations their very own shows midgets served two purposes: the objects of ridicule and alerting the master of Fantasy Island that the fucking plane arrived.  That is, unless you lived in the Philippines during the early 1980's.  Leave it to some smartass to make a James Bond knock-off and have as its star a 2'9" Filipino dwarf named Weng Weng as Agent 00.  For Y'ur Height Only was released in 1981 and became an instant success thanks to a country obviously populated by imbeciles. 

Gotham Shitty

     Took my kids to Six Flags Great America the other day.  For the most part, the rides were fun.  On the opposite side of that "fun" spectrum is "The Dark Knight Coaster".  I don't like to make excuses for terrorists, I leave that for The New York Times, but if some yahoo went on a killing spree and the reason for said spree was "waiting an hour in line for The Dark Knight Coaster" then I might be inclined to cut him or her a little slack.

Island of Death (1977)

     We've become pretty desensitized to violence thanks to movies such as Saw, Hostel and The Human Centipede so to view Island of Death in today's context, especially to anyone under the age of thirty, might seem kinda silly.  Make no bones about it though, Island was a nasty piece of work that shocked the shit outta audiences in the late seventies.  This is the very epitome of an exploitation film. 

Sorceress (1982)

     Why Sorceress when there is no sorceress to be found?  Because Roger Corman asked a bunch of high school teenagers what would be a cooler sounding title instead of the more appropriate "The Barbarian Women" that director Jack Hill wanted.  Cheesy fantasy film that stars real-life twins and Playboy Playmates Leigh and Lynette Harris as Mira and Mara, the barbarian daughters of Traigon, an evil sorcerer who must sacrifice his firstborn so that the god Kalghara can keep the good times rolling.  What drew me to this film?  Swords, sorcery and:

The theater floor was a tad more sticky for some reason.

     The good news is the twins show their twins frequently.  The bad news is that everything else reflects the $23.75 budget Corman spent.  Mira and Mara are given special fighting powers by Krona, who appears more an Asian monk rather than a barbarian, via a momentary touch when they're babies and a shitty blue outline special effect.  That's it.  Fuck all that training noise, son!  Twenty years later Traigon is released from sorcerer prison and immediately continues his quest to sacrifice his daughters.  Krona has not aged well:

Master Moses teaches the Shaolin Tittyflash.

     After learning the truth about their father killing their mother - Mira and Mara are joined by a Viking named Baldar and an annoying fucking goatboy, Pando, who baas incessantly.  Along the way they recruit Deathstalker wannabe Erlick who gets to bang one of the twins.  The only semi-amusing scene is when one of the sisters is having an orgasm for the first time and the other feels it as well, which provides for this odd statement from Baldar:

How exactly would you KNOW it's Erlick?  Looks like old boy needs to close his drapes.  The finale includes, zombies, sacrificial virgins, an arm getting hacked off and the epic battle between the gods, Vitahl, a flying lion with abs and Kalghara, a uh, floating head of a fucked-up Mexican prostitute:

Still better than Avatar.

The movie ends with Erlick wisecracking about banging both twins as everyone then laughs like it's an episode of "CHiPs".  I'll be honest with ya'.  This is one film I actually tracked down because of the multiple topless scenes in the trailer.  Sharpen your sword someplace else. 

Seytan (1974)

     Take a Turkish scene-by-scene ripoff of The Exorcist, play "Tubular Bells" ad nauseum, and remove any hint of Western theology so as to not offend "the religion of peace" and you get this boring tripe. 

Dracula: Sovereign of the Damned (1980)

     They should've called this one Everybody Hates Dracula.  The one and only film collaboration  of Marvel Comics and Harmony Gold who produced the popular 1980's series Robotech.  Dracula: SOTD is based on Marvel's 70-issue series The Tomb of Dracula crammed into an hour-and-a-half film.  That's what makes this such a clusterfuck of a movie.