Demonoid (1981)

     Fuck this movie right in its ass.I've had this one for a few years and it looked interesting when I saw the trailer.  The first few minutes seem to confirm that as two dudes in yellow Klansman outfits chop the left hand off a blond broad with her robe torn open and her jugs shaking everywhere.  Occasionally you get a flash of what possibly could be the devil himself:

 It's dangerous to go alone!  Take this.

However, this is the most misleading thing about the entire film.  There is no demon or devil whatsoever.  The evil creature that is so terrifying that it must be sealed in a special case?  A fucking demonic left hand!

Where the hell do you get "Demonoid" from this?

The demonic hand is unearthed in Mexico by Mark and his wife Jennifer (Samantha Eggar, The Exterminator) who own a mine that is supposedly cursed.  Mark is played by Roy Jenson (The Gauntlet, Any Which Way You Can) who physically resembles Tony Orlando in his heavier days.  The most horrific scene in this film is a drunk Mark heaving his fat ass into bed with Jennifer.  After getting possessed by the hand, which involves, I guess, absorbing into the other left hand, Mark decides to lure his workers into the mine and blow it up - killing them all.  Now wanted for a mass murder in Mexico (I'm pretty sure it's just a fine down there) he does what everyone else would do and heads to Las Vegas to win big at the craps table.  So far it seems like a win-win for Mark.  A scheming couple try to rob Mark who kills them both and decides to set himself on fire just as Jennifer arrives on the scene.  The movie then switches to part two of the film.  

     Jennifer is aided by jack-of-all-fucking-trades priest Father Cunningham (Stuart Whitman, Guyana: Cult of the Damned) in trying to track down this appendage abomination.  In one scene Cunningham boxes a young and fit black cop who he suspects is possessed by the demon hand.  He actually seems to out fight him until the unnatural strength of the hand overpowers him.  That, or reality just sets in.  One or the other.  The hand jumps from victim to victim and after a silly car chase straight out of "ChiPs" finally possess Father Cunningham himself.  With no help from Jennifer he calmly stabs his infected hand and without showing a hint of pain - blowtorches the fucking thing off:  

 Jennifer!  I feel the burn!  Get it?  Get it?

They seal the hand in the special case and dump it into the ocean afterwards.  That is until Jennifer gets a package at her door.  It's the hand (How the fuck did it gift wrap itself?)  that manages to grab the back of her skull and have enough torque to slam her head into a glass coffee table:

Wham-my!

     The full title of this piece of shit is actually Demonoid: Messenger of Death.  Besides the middle finger which it gave its audience, how exactly is a dismembered left hand a messenger of anything?  Did it leave demonic post-it notes?  "Don't forget, your dentist is a cunt!"  Fuck that!  After the first three minutes this movie becomes extremely dull and a little too serious even though the silly plot would allow them plenty of room to up the cheese factor.  All the actors wrestle with the stupid hand like it was the most formidable opponent in history and it never strays from the straight and narrow path.  No copping a feel?  How about a demonic shocker for Jennifer at the end?  Why am I the only one with good ideas?