Boy God (1983)

     There are some titles that are on everyone's "must see" bad movie list.  The shot-on-video ghetto puppet turned wooden rapist Black Devil Doll from Hell is one such film.  It has about two minutes of humorous content while the rest is pure, unadulterated horseshit.
Currently, some hipster douchebag made a deal with Devil Doll's director and is hawking this look into the sex life of possibly the most unattractive woman on the face of the planet at around $30 a copy.  My point, besides hoping this asshole dies of prostate cancer, is that sometimes the hype doesn't exactly match reality.  Boy God or Rocco, ang batang bato (Rocco, The Young Rock) falls into this category.  

     

Who ya gonna call? GHOSTFUCKERS!!!

     The ghost above materializes at the end of a young lady's bed and seemingly appears to have nothing but the purest intentions by the look on his spiritual face.  The camera zooms into the sleeping lady's face and she awakens to either being raped or on the receiving end of some bad oral sex.  Regardless, the woman's name is Cora and she's pregnant as we proceed through this opening at break neck speeds.  Cora gives birth on the same day that her and her husband are gunned down by some petty military thug named ... Robbie?  It's hard to make out the exact names with these shitty dubs but I'm pretty sure that's his fucking name.  Robbie — did he steal your baseball mitt after practice or did he gun down two young parents in cold blood?  The Philippines must not give a fuck because I swear that the husband's name is Isabello.  Robbie shoots Isabello.  This sounds like a dark episode of Dennis the Menace.  Anyway, the newborn boy — whose umbilical cord can't be cut — is taken away by his grandmother until his is ten years old.  How has the young deity taken shape?

Is he the god of high cholesterol?

The "boy god" is a pudgy fucker with a mouthy cunt parrot that he keeps as a pet.  Rocco — he doesn't look like any Rocco I've ever met — has amazing strength which his grandmother insists he keep secret.  I guess she wants the village to believe that his super power is devouring multiple Happy Meals in under ten minutes. 

     Rocco does have a weakness — besides more than two consecutive steps up a flight of stairs.  Water cripples him substantially.  Probably because there's no high fructose corn syrup in it.  Speaking of water, Dr. Eldi? (I can't tell these fucking names!) believes that a scientist has infected the beach with a deadly chemical that has had some adverse effects on the local villagers and no, it's not terminal ugliness.  Faster than you can say "unlimited buffet" Rocco waddles to the beach and directly into the water.  He almost drowns until Eldi rescues him a mere five feet from the shore.  Sure he was acting?  Later that evening Rocco asks his grandma why his body reacts to water the way it does and she tells him that he's like limestone — the boy becomes stronger when hit and dissolves around water.   So, over ten years this is the first time this has come up?  Does he take baths in Nehi Grape Soda?
     Rocco awakens one night from a scream coming from outside.  He investigates and finds a werewolf harassing a family in their home.  Thank god he took his screeching parrot with him.  Rocco follows the werewolf where it enters a house owned by three creepy sisters.  He returns the next morning and sneaks in when the owners catch him.  They introduce themselves as the Monte Carlo sisters and invite him to stay for dinner.  Obviously, not one to pass up a meal, Rocco takes a seat but soon hightails it the fuck outta there when the food is revealed to be liver.  While fleeing the sisters he gets hit by a car:

"My Skittles!"

The entire accident is witnessed by some dude that is wearing a disguise.  The dude appears later in a building, takes off his makeup and tells Robbie — yes, THEE ROBBIE — that he just saw a boy with great strength.  

     Later that evening, back at the sisters' house, the clock strikes twelve and the trio transform into werewolves:

"Adrian Peterson is suspended?  I JUST HAD MY FUCKIN' DRAFT!!!"

The werewolves go off into the night to presumably do whatever the fuck it is that they do considering I haven't seen anything heinous committed by any one of them besides petty harassment.  If you think about it, they might very well be Jehovah's Witnesses.  The following morning a woman stumbles open three pale bodies of men strewn about with the last one barely clinging to life.  So, besides werewolves, the village also has a vampire to contend with.  Turns out, it's some cat from the village called Captain Hugo.  Looks like Rocco's got his Cheetos-stained hands full.
     Back at the village, Eldi tells Rocco, his Grandma, Hugo and some dipshit alcoholic that the water has been contaminated from a poison created by a German scientist.  This mystery kraut has been known to turn people into werewolves and vampires.  Captain Hugo acts likes he's wearing a wire for the Feds when Eldi says this, drawing the attention of Rocco.  Later that evening, a man is attacked by an army of cartoon bats that looked like they flew straight out of an episode of Scooby-Doo.  Hugo turns into a bat-man and fucks with the same family the werewolves were messing with.  Are these the only people in the village? Spread that shit out a little, will ya?  Rocco and Eldi happen to stroll past the house and come to the rescue:

Is he the god of uncomfortably short shorts?

Eldi gets dispatched rather quickly, so it's up to Rocco to unleash his bowling attack:

For a supreme being, he certainly know how to drag out a fight.  Rocco finally bests this inept vampire when he crashes through a wall like the fucking Kool-Aid man.  In the rubble is Hugo who has returned to normal.  Eldi doesn't seem too surprised that Rocco has abnormal strength.  Thanks for nothing Grandma!   

     The next morning Eldi tells Rocco that he's leaving for a little while and to "stay away from the three witches".  They're werewolves "doctor".  Rocco, giving no fucks, goes right to the werewitches house.  The sisters find him immediately and give chase (how does anyone NOT catch this kid?) until he bowling balls his fatass right into a water fountain.  While he's severely weakened the sisters put him on a spit and prepare him for dinner.  As you look as this next photo, let me remind you that this was marketed in the Philippines as a children's movie:

 When did this become a Hollywood audition?

The fire eventually dries Rocco off, returning his strength to him while the sisters cackle triumphantly inside their house.  They turn into werewolves again and are unable to restrain Rocco who escapes.  While running away he is grabbed by a zombie-like Hugo, who he thought was dead.  He wants a piece of Rocco:

You get the picture yet?  This goes on for far too long.  An hour passes and it time to switch gears as Rocco awakens in a cave inhabited by Vulcan, an immortal.  He displays his awesome powers by levitating a chalice and floating it towards Rocco at a whopping half-inch per minute.  Vulcan tells him he's half immortal and that his real father — the rapist ghost at the beginning — is being punished for falling in love with Cora.  His parents have been exiled to another world for this transgression.  Vulcan speaks cryptically to Rocco about seeing them again if he can do the impossible though he doesn't specify what exactly the "impossible" is.  Could it be only one serving of mashed potatoes?  Rocco wakes up the next morning in the land of the small people and finds himself a new outfit:

300 ... pounds.

First up, the midgets need Rocco to beat the Golem, a large cyclops:

   "Hey man, did you find a big-ass contact lense on the ground?"

They launch Rocco from a giant crossbow and he stabs the golem in the eye.  There's like 400 of these little fuckers, not one of them could have done this before?  Fuck, I've had it with this movie!

Next, are the attached from the back "twin dangers".  I can't begin to describe how tactically unsound it is for these two handjobs to fight.  Realizing this, they separate and begin to overwhelm Rocco before he's rescued by a female warrior named Janus who wears an impractically skimpy outfit:

Rocco found himself getting harder.

She lends him her magic sword which he uses to impale the twins.  After returning the sword she disappears.  Later that evening, Rocco crashes in another cave and asks Vulcan what the third task will be.  I don't recall this old sunovabitch saying anything about multiple tasks, only doing the "impossible".  Vulcan clues him in with this gem:

"The dark shadow of death lurks in the darkness."

 How is that even possible?  A shadow, by it's very definition, needs a source of light to exist.  Regardless of the inanity, Rocco ponders it like it's a Final Jeopardy question.  He doesn't have long to think about it because Vulcan disappears and Death, via a cackling dude with a trident wearing black robes, attacks Rocco.  After some minor fisticuffs, Death shows off his eye lasers:

Those are the slowest lasers in the history of lasers!  A ninety year old with Parkinson's disease could dodge that shit!  After easily blocking his lasers, Rocco flings his shield a la Captain America and decapitates the cocky fucker while he pauses to laugh at him.  The maniacal laugh is usually reserved for knowing, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that you have the upper hand.  If ever there was a bad guy seminar on what not to do when getting bested by a chubby hero, this is it.  Commentary aside, Janus appears and asks what was taking him so long.  Uh, the pathetic "shadow of death" you see headless on the ground? 

     Rocco is brought to Minerva — who wears an awful powdered wig — and asks what he can do to free his parents from their punishment.  Minerva tells him that there is nothing to which the other immortals rally to Rocco's cause and demand that he shouldn't be deprived of his parents considering all the tasks he accomplished on his way here.  She asks Vulcan his opinion and relents when he agrees.  So, this whole time all Vulcan had to do was vouch for Rocco.  What a fucking waste of time!  His parents are teleported to their side and Rocco is reunited with his parents who he has never met.  At the very least punch your asshole, rapist dad in the stomach for starting all this nonsense in the first place.  Cora introduces his immortal father as ... Bison?  PSYCHO CRUSHER!  So, end of movie right?  Not quite.  The only way his parents will be absolved from guilt is if Rocco achieves 1001 salvations back on Earth.  How do you know when you achieve one?  Does it make this sound?

     Back home, Rocco must free the villagers from Robbie and the German doctor who turns out to be ... Dr. Mengele?  Are you fucking serious?  This is a children's movie and you choose one of the most evil human beings in the history of the world to be your cartoonish bad guy?  Fuck me, the guy operated on children while they were still alive!  Enough!  I've had enough!  Mengele is killed when Rocco puts his finger in the barrel of the machine gun he's pointing at the boy and pulls the trigger, causing a backfire.  The evil Robbie is captured by Eldi.  Somewhere the whole "1001 salvations" got lost in translation because now Rocco's parents are free.  Well, at least free to be spirits in another world that Rocco cannot travel to.  Everything Rocco did was pointless, much like most of the movie.  

    If you're looking for a "wacky" Filipino flick then let me recommend the hilarious Killing of Satan.

Otherwise, fuck this movie in the ass with a golden dildo.