Nicole (1978)

     Sometime in the late seventies, an obscure movie was made that told the tale of an arrogant millionairess who treats people like property until her curiosity wanes and they're ultimately dispatched by a murdering psychopath chauffeur.  Under most circumstances, Nicole, as it was originally titled, would have been forgotten quickly and lost to film oblivion where it most appropriately belongs, save for the fact that it contains the one and only nude scene of a young "Kathy Bach" who would reach the height of masturbatory fantasies of young men nationwide thanks to her portrayal of the scantily clad "Daisy Duke" in "The Dukes of Hazard" from 1979-1985.  Enter Troma Films, always scanning the celluloid gutter for repackaging, where they bought the rights to the only passable copy, renamed it Crazed and marketed it as the film with Catherine Bach's tits.  Well, it worked because I sat through this dull drama in hopes that I can save the next couple of unfortunate skin buffs from wasting an hour-and-a-half of their day that would otherwise be dedicated to internet porn.

UFO: Target Earth (1974)

     If someone were to ask you, "Is there a mildly retarded version of 2001: A Space Odyssey that can cure my insomnia?"  Yes ... yes there is.  Filmed over two weeks around Atlanta with a $70,000 budget, UFO: Target Earth is one of the dullest science fiction films to disgrace the genre.  First time director Michael DeGaetano seems to think that merely pointing a camera in the direction of his wooden actors and filming asinine conversations is all that is needed to compel his audience to watch further.  Even more galling, there isn't even a fucking UFO in the movie!  Let's get this anal probing started.

Nurse Sherri (1978)

 

     It's 1978 and the exploitation phase is quickly coming to the end of the drive-in era.  Looking to squeeze one more film out of Independent-International Pictures, known for such low-fare classics like Satan's Sadists and Dracula vs. Frankenstein, co-founder Sam Sherman is inspired to film an erotic nurse-related movie after watching Roger Corman strike gold with Night Call Nurses and Candy Stripe Nurses earlier that decade.  All he needed was a hook.  The supernatural horror film Carrie was all the rage and that was more than enough for Sam to combine the genres together and summon his partner-in-crime, Al Adamson to direct.  The result became Beyond the Living or Horror Hospital or Killer's Curse, Hands of Death and Black Voodoo.  Ya see, neither Al or Sam actually knew how to market their finished product.  Helluva way to end your run, boys.

Double Down (2005)

     Neil Breen, a Las Vegas architect and real estate agent, is a very unique man.  He was born without the ability of introspection, a trait only found in politicians.  You see, somewhere along the road when he was peddling two bedroom ranches in the suburbs for half a million dollars he realized that this was not his true calling in life and that, in fact, he is a messianic auteur that had an important message for the sake of humanity that could only be translated through insanely disjointed films that no one will see.  Oh, by the way: you're welcome.

Satan's Mistress (1982)

     Yeah, I know the screen cap above doesn't match.  This motherfucker has more names listed than a phone book.  The original U.S. title release was Satan's Mistress, however, when this was released on home video it went by Dark Eyes, as seen above, as well as Fury of the Succubus, Incubus, Demon Rage and lately on DVD the shoddily retitled Demon Seed:

Satan's Cheerleaders (1977)

     Why would God's adversary need cheerleaders?  While you ponder that thimble deep query let me address this misleading title.  Yes, there are cheerleaders — a whopping four of them in fact.  No, they are not aligned with nor affiliated in any way to the theological enemy of all humanity.  If you were expecting a campy romp used as an excuse to get young, pretty actresses to disrobe, you'll be left limper than Rock Hudson was in Pretty Maids All in a Row.  After sitting down and watching it, I still have no clue what director Greydon Clark — responsible for one of MST3K's most famous episodes, Angels' Brigade —  was trying to accomplish as there seems to be two completely different types of movies presented here that eventually collide together like two shopping carts in Wal-Mart's chip aisle.

Boy God (1983)

     There are some titles that are on everyone's "must see" bad movie list.  The shot-on-video ghetto puppet turned wooden rapist Black Devil Doll from Hell is one such film.  It has about two minutes of humorous content while the rest is pure, unadulterated horseshit.

Spawn of the Slithis (1978)

     "Yawn of the Audience" would have been a more honest title.  Motherfucker, does this thing revel in minutiae!  Filmed in Venice, California on a $100,000 budget blah,blah,blah ... you know the rest.  Too bad you'll be in stage 4 delta sleep long before this plodding film reaches it completion.  

     Two boys — one so fat that I believe his veins were filled with maple syrup — are playing Frisbee (in slow-motion) when the non-future heart failure victim discovers a mutilated dog corpse on the side of a canal.

The Meateater (1979)

     Theater is pronounced (thee-uh-ter) according to the dictionary — not (thee-ate-her).  Those who use the latter sound like uneducated rubes.  Thankfully, our star Mitford (the hopelessly lame yet likeable Peter Spitzer) wasn't trying to portray a sophisticated intellectual.  Every time he says the word — and, it's a lot — I want to karate chop him in the neck. 

Breeders (1997)

     Back in the mid-Eighties gay porn director Tim Kincaid (a.k.a. "Joe Gage") tried his hand at going mainstream by directing a few small budget direct-to-video films.  Unsurprisingly, they were all wretched.  Amongst his short resume of work that didn't involve male-on-male sodomy was the 1986 science fiction/horror movie Breeders which haphazardly told the tale of an alien that rapes Manhattan's scarce supply of cocaine-snorting virgins. 

The Werewolf of Woodstock (1975)

     It's almost Halloween so let's get into the spirit of my favorite holiday by taking a look at a rare miss from Dick Clark who produced this steaming pile that is worse than the bad batch of brown acid passed around the same historical festival in 1969.  Shot on video, this soap opera about a cranky lycanthrope's hatred of hippies and loud noises is so awful — and I mean awful in a "Why was this even made and who is the poor fucker I'm going to have to kill to stop this from ever happening again?" way — that I'm shocked Dick Clark didn't have every copy of this abomination bundled into a rocket ship and shot into the sun.

Supersonic Man (1979)

     Spanish director Juan Piquer Simon had quite the ambivalent career when it came to the type of films he helmed.  Two of his movies, Pieces (1983) and Slugs (1988), were both hard-R gore fests that, in my humble opinion, Simon really seemed to excel at.  Then there was his attempts near the end of his trade in what I can only describe as bland, vanilla-horror: The Rift (1990) and Cthulhu Mansion (1992) which I addressed in length before. 

Zeegrade Update

     Been very busy lately at work.  It's hard begging for change at the Interstate on-ramp during these summer months.  I use most of my "earnings" on Big Gulp refills.  My ex-wives have demanded more alimony leaving me little time to devote to my movie collection — a collection that has been gathering quite a bit of dust these last few months.  But fear not.  I have recently gotten back into an old, bad habit and viewed a Superman knockoff from Spanish director Juan Piquer Simon (Pieces, Slugs and Pod People)...Supersonic Man!!!

The girls in high school used to call me...hey wait a second!

Yeah, that's a fucking action figure flying through space.  See you real soon. 

Curse IV (1988)

     I know what you're thinking.  How the hell are there four Curse movies?  First, calm the fuck down — I'm not the one responsible for this.  Second, these four films have nothing to do with one another, not unlike the Beyond the Door series. 

Black Candles (1982)

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Monster Dog (1984)

     The one thing about Claudio Fragasso that really pisses me off is that this talentless cocksucker thinks he's actually a competent director.  This guy consistently churns out shit films, one after another, and if you ask him, a la his commentary on the Zombi 3 DVD after he replaced the late Lucio Fulci, this wine-soaked hack actually thinks he improved the film when he took over!  Troll 2 -- widely considered the worst film of all time -- was actually the piss-flavored frosting on his shitcake career.  Monster Dog was filmed during his "prime" and by prime I mean Fragasso was at his maximum suckage level.

Attack of the Beast Creatures (1985)

     At least Obelisk Motion Pictures showed some introspection and made this their one and only film.  I don't get the fascination with the word "obelisk" as that's also the name of the lifeboat that carries our survivors somewhere in the North Atlantic in 1920.  It doesn't help that the beginning credits are interspersed between the incessant bitching and moaning aboard the Obelisk.

Bell From Hell (1973)

     Run for your lives!  It’s a percussion instrument from Hades!  I wish I had some insight as to why this movie is titled like this--there is no evil bell terrorizing anyone--but there is plenty of praise heaped on this odd Spanish flick filmed near the end of Spanish dictator Francisco Franco’s reign.  Ironically, the original director, Claudio Guerin, died on the last day of filming when he fell from a bell tower constructed for the movie.

College Bowl Season! - Ghetto Trash Apparel Bowl

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Santa and the Ice Cream Bunny (1972)

     There really is no way to describe the visual pain that encompasses this incoherent dreck.  Like many other b-movie fans, I first became familiar with this legendarily awful film thanks to The Agony Booth's long review back in 2002.